You’re sitting comfortably, enjoying a film. Perhaps it’s a thriller, and the tension is building. The hero and heroine are on the run through the forest, with the bad guys in hot pursuit. Then it happens. The heroine trips and slides, screaming ‘arrrgh, my ankle!’. Or perhaps they make it to a track, where a conveniently placed car is conveniently open, a key conveniently located behind the sun visor. Our hero desperately tries to start the engine. Cough goes the engine, whirr, whirr, whirr… He pounds the steering wheel, yelling ‘come on! come on!’. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.
Perhaps it’s a western. The piano in the saloon tinkles merrily, and there’s a buzz of noise. The doors swing open, and in swaggers a lean, mean hombre, Lee Van Cleef style. The noise dies and the piano jangles uncertainly to a halt. ‘Whisky’ growls the black hat. Whether he’s given a glass or a bottle, he reaches into his vest pocket and produces a single coin, which he declines to hand to the barkeep; instead he throws it down on the bar. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.
Perhaps it’s a cop drama. Maverick cop is chasing the killer down an alley. The bad lot promptly climbs up the nearest metal fire escape, discharging twenty rounds from a revolver in the process, in order to allow himself to be cornered on the roof of the building. He falls off the roof in the ensuing fight and crashes to his death on the sidewalk, as sirens wail in the distance. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.
Now clichéd scenarios are bad enough, but clichéd dialogue is even worse. Maverick cop; ‘just gimme fordy eight hours, black lootenant!’. Black lootenant; ‘ya got twenny four, now ged outta my office!’. Here are a few other of my ‘favourite’ bits of worn out dialogue;
– None of this makes any sense!
– Get outta town by sundown (could you be more specific? Say by half seven?)
– What is it you want from me?
– Try to get some sleep now
– Everything’s gonna be just fine! (to dying character)
– You set me up! You set me UP!
– We’re done here (spoken exclusively by sharp suited female lawyer)
– I don’t have time for this!
Welcome to the world of the film cliché. Yes folks, you’ve seen and heard these tired, lazy contrivances on many occasions. They’ve done their best to ruin many an otherwise decent film, and the next time you see a fight on a train, you can bet your boots that the protagonists will end up on the roof, leaping from carriage to carriage. They’re the default option for the unimaginative scriptwriter and the plodding director, and they are indeed a cunt. Let’s get outta here.
*Addendum to bad guys in California*
Never, under any circumstances, lock up The A Team in a cluttered garage, on the understanding that you’ll ‘deal with them later’.
Nominated by Ron Knee
Another cliche is when the bad guys are making their getaway and switch on the car radio at the exact time when there is a news report about them.
Also in a fight, one guy gets kicked in the crown jewels and immediately leaps up to continue fighting.
Also fed up of couples having rampant sex as soon as they get through the front door, can’t even wait to get to the bedroom, so they have to do it on the stairs or, more commonly, against the wall or kitchen sink, to the accompaniment of silly gasping and slurping noises.
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Or the fed up police captain/ lieutenant giving his maverick cop a time ultimatum
“ you’ve got 24/48/72 hours to sort this out”
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That’s funny Francis
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How comes john mc clane doesn’t appear to own a fucking shirt ?
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“Yippee kay-ay mother trucker!”
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In Die Hard with a Vengeance there were loads of car chases in one of the most congested cities (NYC) in the world, even the subway wasn’t as rammed as it would have been with rush hour cunts.
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Not a cliche but makes me laugh. In the film Die Hard, the late great Alan Rickman, an Englishman who plays a German baddie, kills someone then announces in an almost bored like tone, “Mr Takargi will not be joining us…for the rest of his life”.
🙂
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An absolutely great line delivered by a master, Spoon. Unusually ‘Die Hard’ had an English actor playing the baddy, but on this occasion as a German, so we were spared the charming but cruddy English Hollywood baddy.
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Nice one, Ron 🙂
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In my opinion Spoons Die Hard is still the greatest action movie ever made bar none. One in a long list of films that should never have had sequels, none of them came close to the first. Shame that Bruce Willis has turned into a prize tool over the years. Welcome to the party, pal!
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Couldn’t agree more. Die Hard needed a sequel like I need a smaller dick. But that’s Hollywood for you. It’s all about the bottom line for the suits.
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It’s the greatest Christmas movie ever, as well. I think it was in the cinema around christmas time 😀
Although really it should tie with Home Alone.
Joe pesci and co trying not to swear haha 😀
If that was made today… I dunno what to think.
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Interesting. Adult neglect of kid, kid abuse of adults. It would make the snowflakes have to think a bit.
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Bloody hell Spoons, sleepless night?? (Or perhaps you’re actually one of our indigenous friends over in bongo bongo land somewhere, I tend to forget not everyone on here is of Dog’s own country and a true Englishman)
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Or How lumbering orish oaf liam Nelson who’s knees appear to be creaking like crisp packets can run down a fleet footed criminal who’s young enough to be his son , who is nearly always some kind of martial arts cunt but gets battered by the craggy faced fucker …….
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It’s interesting how Neeson has somewhat cornered the ageing but hard as fuck lead these last few years. I suppose we’ve got ‘Taken’ to thank for that. Must say that I enjoyed the preposterous but hugely entertaining ‘Non Stop’ tho.
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Was that the one on the aeroplane?
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Got it in one Spoons.
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Neeson………….
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“knees appear to be creaking like crisp packets” ……. fucking funniest thing I’ve heard !!!
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Guys
It’s been enormous fun reading your comments on this nom. Thanks for your contributions. I’ve been waiting for someone to point out a few other of my favourite clichés, but I don’t think anyone has so far, so here goes;
* the ‘ugly duckling’ who lets down her hair and takes of her glasses, and suddenly metamorphasises into a stunning beauty
* the narrative inexplicably goes haywire, but it’s a nightmare. The character having the nightmare suddenly sits bolt upright in bed, breathing rapidly and covered in sweat.
* characters being followed never realise that they’re being followed, unless the narrative requires them to realise it. Anyone following somebody in a car in the city can always roll into a parking space just across the street when the target stops
* the feed from a ‘wire’ or a bug always starts to break up at a crucial moment when a drugs bust is going down
* when the hero’s chasing down bad guys in a car, some cunt in a van or lorry will always block him out in a narrow street
* during the climactic fight scene, the good guy always gets a right kicking for the first couple of minutes, before miraculously rallying to admit the coup de grace
* when the good guy and the bad guy end up grappling with a gun, they always end up grasping each other for a few seconds when the gun goes off. Mmm, wonder who’s actually copped it, then?
I know I know. But I did say at the start that I could write a bloody thesis on this!
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Bloody good nom Ron, I have enjoyed this one! Right in my wheelhouse
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Thanks mate.
What with Brexit and the election and whatnot, there’s been a lot of blood-letting of late. Cunters have been (quite rightly!) kicking the shit out of the usual targets (politicans, posturing luvvies, SJWs), and I thought this nom would offer a bit of a change; a bit of light relief, if you like.
As I said, I’ve bloody enjoyed it!
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American actors trying to play the role of a German character, but the accent is just a load of zeds replacing all the Ss in some words (“Where iz ze money?”)
Car chases – why does the driver in front have to constantly look behind him to see where the guy chasing him is? He’s got mirrors, but he still looks behind; and why bother looking behind anyway: you know you’re being chased so just concentrate on the fucking road.
Sex scenes (especially from films made in the 80s). A couple have full blown sex in bed at night, but then the woman wakes up in the morning and her hair is still perfectly set, there’s no sleep in her eyes, and her makeup is intact too!
In slasher films or murder mysteries – you’ll get the victim walk into her house at night, but never bothers to switch on the hall light when she opens the front door. Instead she just carries on walking around in the dark carrying her shopping or whatever. And then she hears a noise, and she says “Who’s that?” (as if the killer is going to say “Oh its only your resident nut job about to slice you up!”) But she still doesn’t bother to switch the fucking lights on, until its too late and she’s dead!
All the heroes and heroines are fit and beautiful – you rarely see ugly bloaters becoming the hero in a film.
And is there a particular reason why when you see Americans shop in supermarkets they always come out carrying fully loaded brown paper bags with no fucking handles?
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I know the post is about cliches but for a bit of light relief from a different slant, I thought I’d throw in this (totally original) dialogue from “A fist full of dollars” with Clint Eastwood getting somewhat annoyed at people laughing in the vicinity of his Mule ……..
“See my mule don’t like people laughing,” growls Eastwood from behind a Toscano cigar, before shooting four men in an instant. “He gets the crazy idea that you’re laughing at him. If you apologise like I know you’re going to, I might convince him that you really didn’t mean it.”
….Priceless!
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A role that launched him into the stratosphere career wise GD, and which amazingly still continues. A true legend, but a bit out of step these days in Hollywoke, I’d suggest.
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“You ain’t from round here,are ya?”
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