Restaurant Critics are cunts, aren’t they?

Why does anybody still employ these blowholes? There they sit with peremptory taste buds and haughty opinions, swilling ridiculously-priced vino whilst pitifully attempting to over-describe roast squirrel. Perhaps it’s the quaffing of so much free booze that encourages these parasites to dream up over-articulate ways to describe the sumptuous cheese sauce nestled on a sorry-looking piece of cauliflower, or boiled bollock of a butchered Lancashire pig. There they sit at their most recent free meal, with notebook and breadfruit and unctuous tongue. If I were the chef I’d have pissed into their glass of fizz and shat onto their nest of caviar.

Is it honestly worthy of a salary to boast, “Oh darling this roasted shark’s fin is to die for” or “If you haven’t dined at La Cou Grandeé then you simply haven’t lived.” Money for old cunts.

Anthony Bourdain thought he was something special, before the pompous turd shared noodles with Obama then killed himself; AA Gill was a cunt as well, even before he married the frumpy, democracy-hater Amber Rudd and Will Self is hateful turd, like an overgrown, metropolitan stary-eyed rat.

The only pricks who like or associate with restaurant critics are OTHER restaurant critics, as if they’re all sitting in a big circle having a wanking contest. “This circle jerk is to die for, glorious, my colleagues’ ballbags are super on the palate and taste simply divine. Pass the Chateau de Cunt.”

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

A nomination for selfies. Been cunted before, but just lately I’m seeing more and more celebrities taking them and then they end up on news sites.

Much as I think it’s a narcissistic thing for young girls and lads to indulge in, you can multiply that by ten when celebrities start doing it. Reality stars are of course made from it, but recently I’ve seen soap stars at it, the next rung up true. This week I’ve seen Liz Hurley at it, pouting like a teen slapper from Stoke, Michelle Keegan, not only taking selfies but also looking like an average slapper. What’s she’s done to herself?

Celebrities that moan they can’t even pop to the shop without people taking photos of them go home, take a photo of themselves and post it on social media to whine about cunts taking photos of them.

Talk about climbing up your own arse!

Nominated by Sixdog Vomit

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year cunting to Idris Elba (real name Idrissa Akuna Elba).

British bulldog Idrossa was born in London to a Sierra Leoneon father (although it’s not clear if the cunt was actually born there) and a Ghanaian mother. Apparently, he has just been given citizenship of Sierra Leone, despite the cunt never having set foot in the Civil War and Ebola ravaged dump (although he has been to Africa apparently):

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-50871307

He said that citizenship was “the biggest honour I could get from my country”. MY country? What’s it to be cuntface, Britain when it suits you or some 3rd World godforsaken shithole? He went on to say “The son of the soil is coming back to fertilise the soil.” Apart being such a ludicrous statement, when you go back to somewhere it normally implies you’ve been there before, dumb fuck. Anyway, it appears there is more to Idrossa’s love of his homeland then meets the eye as it seems he wants to exploit the local workforce to his own ends by “rejuvenating and “rebranding” the country.”

Cunt.

Nominated by Cupid Stunt

A prolonged and relentless Cunting for anthropologist, Mary-Ann Ochota.

For some reason, she’s on Sky News reviewing the papers, but rather than actually doing that, she turns her place in the spotlight into an anti-Tory, anti-British, pro-Stormzy, rant.

“Britain is racist!!!”, she blubs.

Too fucking right, luv. I see immigrants queue jumping and receiving all the benefits under the sun, whilst indigenous working folk struggle to keep their heads above water. If anything, Britain is soft in the head.

Typical privileged, liberal snowflake.
She needs a visit from that Naughty Boy, B+WC.

The stupid cow.

Nominated by Jack The Cunter

Nepotism is a cunt, isnt it?

Isn’t it marvellous how many celebrity parents facilitate an easy route for their children, by giving them roles in their films? It’s also not just luvvies. Others live off the reflected glory of their siblings, parents, even offspring. Welcome to the shitty world of nepotism.

Would Michael Douglas really have lasted if it weren’t for dad, Kirk? Would Lily Allen have irritated the nation if Keith had syphoned it into a nearby sock? Would Nicholas Soames or Hilary Benn, both bereft of any skill, honour, or intelligence, have managed to become MPs without their famous family links?

Talentless dickworm Will Smith “cast” his confused son in one of his shitty films. Kiefer “not as good as Donald” Sutherland’s talent has been stretched to breaking. These bastards have no shame. They say talent skips a generation. What say you, Rafe Spall? At least Mark Thatcher got lost abroad, the daft gimp. Even greedy, old spiv Stanley fucking Johnson has been filling his boots with his reflected fame. No shame whatsoever.

Oh, and Rory Kinnear, you can piss off as well.

Who knows which dreadful cunts are readying to foist their offspring onto us? Gwyneth Paltrow’s (herself a nepotistic slug) weirdos? The Beckham brood? Junior Rees-Mogg? Either of the Obama princesses. Psh.

Lily Allen, Sofia Coppola, all of the Kennedys, that horrible Clinton bitch, all slugs, all cunts, all stinking of the fetid odour of nepotism.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous