May I respectfully request an urgent cunting for the ignorant scum who choose to bury unwanted chilled or frozen food, previously selected, in with electrical goods, household detergents, jam rags or anywhere else other than where they picked it up from, so it can simply spoil or rot away. Another example of the “I don’t give a shit about anybody else”, amongst us.

Lazy, ignorant, cunts.

I once witnessed an obese, tattooed (big hearts and roses) slag who suddenly noticed that her snot-dripping sprog was carrying an item he’d nicked off a shelf, so she removed it from him and simply winged it through the air into the fruit and veg some 20 ft away.

Fucking slag.

Nominated by SpleenVenter

We’re into what is known as ‘the festive season’, and as part of the celebrations, the Met has issued a list of the gifts that it would most like to receive this year:

https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/11/londons-wanted-criminals-time-christmas-11658723/

Yes, the nineteen beauties pictured comprise the list of those whose collars the scuffers would most like to feel before the end of 2019; they’re wanted for a range of offences from robbery, possession of weapons, kidnapping, drugs and GBH. Now fellow cunters are invited to peruse said mug shots carefully in an attempt to determine a common denominator. It’s not easy, so I’ll give you a clue in the form of a quote from our estimable capital’s Mayor, Sadiq Khunt; ‘Diversity is our strength’.

So citizens of Londonistabistan. Can you help by dobbing in any of these worthies to the Old Bill? I’d say that Londonistabistan politicians such as David Lammy and Dawn Butler, not to mention our illustrious Shadow Home Secretary Diane Flabbott, would regard this as nothing less than your civic duty. Keep your eyes peeled.

Evenin’ all.

Nominated by Ron Knee

I would like to cunt that load of turd that is ‘Fairytale Of New York’…

Every fucking year this pile of shite plagues radio and TV stations. Not to mention shops, pubs and the rest of it. Two frankly awful voices in Kirsty MacColl and that toothless, spud-fucking pisspot, Shane MacGowan, whining their heads off to stereotypically bad ‘Diddly Diddly’ music.

Of course, the thick, chav masses love it. The same fuckers that love Ed Sheercunt’s crap and think that Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ is a hymn, or a Christmas record. Of course, anyone with a bit of savvy does not want to hear a song about bog-trotting smackheads celebrating Christmas in the Plastic Paddy capital that is ‘Noo Yoik’.

“But..But, it’s a Christmas classic!”…..

Fuck off!

Nominated by Norman

And anyway, Dio and Chas’ version was much better!

Food of the cunts! How the fuck anyone can eat these fucking abominations is completely beyond me!

They only ever seem to make an appearance during Christmas time, and when I was a kid my parents used to hide the fucking things underneath slices of turkey or chicken, as if I wouldn’t notice!

They smell like Flabbott’s arsehole after 30 minutes on the exercise bike, and they probably taste like Flabbott’s sweaty g-string after she’s finished with the bike!

Yes, this is a wank nomination, but quite frankly anyone who loves/eats these fucking things are masochistic cunts who deserve to spend 24 hours in a locked cell watching Owen Jones being gang-banged by 20 Turkish wrestlers!

Nominated by Technocunt

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2019 p.c. edition…

1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
2. And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali” 
10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
13. And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
14. And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
15. And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

Nominated by Dioclese