Bell’s Palsy, you are a cunt.

Contracted via a viral infection, causing partial paralysis of the right side of my face and looking like the bloke from “The Goonies”. Not content with giving me a severe fucking headache every morning I wake up, which lasts until I take the enormous amount of prescribed tablets needed, you then allow my right eye to weep all day and dribble to run down my chin.

Then at meal times you play with my mind, you vindictive fucker!! You somehow allow me to forget that I have developed the said paralysis and permit me to bite down on my food and then scream in pain as it includes a portion of the right side of my bottom lip!!!
The prognosis is good for a full recovery, however, whether I have any bottom lip left is another matter, you cunt of a disease.

Nominated by Fact Hunt

An “I’m desperate and I’d fuck owt with a pulse” cunting please, for the wankshafts at Tinder. News just in, as they add a PANIC BUTTON to the app:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-51218336

Yes, me neither, but apparently it will “enable users to alert emergency services and transmit highly accurate location data”.

I’m sure the emergency services are delighted. This will work perfectly – no accidental false alarms, no trivial calls and no diversion of resources.

I can imagine it now: “Lads, forget the murder at No. 45 and the ongoing kiddie-fiddling at No. 23, someone on Tinder has hit the fucking PANIC BUTTON. Location coming in…the bike shed just down by the knackers yard. Apparently a woman is FUMING that the gent in question has asked her to pay half the McDonald’s bill. Attend pronto!”

What could possibly go wrong?

I hear there’s a far more effective panic button out there…its called the ‘X’ in the top right hand corner of your screen.

Tinder…you are a cunt.

Nominated by GeneralZod

This fucking news story boiled my piss:

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/lollipop-man-banned-high-fiving-21335481

A lollipop man was banned from high-fiving kids crossing the road, and probably talking to them too I would bet, by a school who received a massive ONE compliant from some fuck-knows-who cunt who thinks it ‘inappropriate’. Some cunt has paedo-hysteria and thinks any man being friendly to kids is some raper threat. Fine, there are loonies everywhere, but it’s the fact the school receives a single complaint and acquiesces without question or consultation. Just a mindless reaction to a single stupid, irrational cunt giving any dumb fuck out there power over the sensible majority.

We see it in all areas of life – Christmas trees taken down for a single complaint, three cunts of Twitter being reported on the news as a ‘backlash’, five cunts and it’s a ‘Twitter storm!’. Can we just ignore cunts who complain and instead show some common sense and question the sanity of their argument, rather than mindless observance of every cunt who wants to spoil anything they don’t like, however hysterical and unwarranted?

Nominated by Dr Shagga and His Cunt Munching Machine

Robert De Niro has had a distinguished, iconic career in Hollywood, starring in such landmark films as ‘The Mission’, ‘Raging Bull’, ‘Goodfellas’, and of course ‘Taxi Driver’. This has brought him fame and fortune; as he himself might say, ‘very nice, very nice’.
Unfortunately, De Niro has of late succumbed to what is known as ‘Hollywood Celebrity Syndrome’, a pernicious delusional condition which leads actors to believe that their celebrity status entitles them, indeed requires them, to harangue the rest of us with their world view. So from their profound knowledge of social and political issues, the likes of De Niro, Meryl Streep and Sean Penn want to instruct us as to how we should think and act on a range of matters such as gender issues, world poverty and climate change. This delusion exhibits itself through persistent outbreaks of self-indulgent moralising and virtue signalling from the remote heights of their ivory towers.

Sadly for him, De Niro has gone on to develop the full-blown, particularly virulent strain of HCS which experts have labelled ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’, to wit; an extreme, irrational reaction to Donald Trump based on distress and loathing, leading to fears that the sufferer may lose touch with reality.

Since the election of Trump to The White House, De Niro has launched a series of increasingly rancorous attacks on the President. These include such comments as ‘he’s blatantly stupid, totally nuts’, ‘he’s a dirty player’, ‘he’s a punk, a pig, a mutt, a national disaster’, ‘I’d like to punch him in the face’, and ‘I’d like to see him hit by a bag of shit… right in the face’. Even when accepting a lifetime achievement award at the recent Screen Actors’ Guild Awards, De Niro couldn’t resist politicising the occasion to take a swipe at Trump, accusing him of ‘blatant misuse of power’.

You talkin’ to me? Well, here’s the thing, Bobby old son. You say that you’re entitled to your opinions on Trump, and of course that’s true. But you shouldn’t presume that just because you’re a famous actor, the rest of us want you to foist them upon us repeatedly, especially when they appear to consist of a string of vitriolic personal insults rather than anything substantive.

Now you can go on all you want about Trump being ‘a fake President, someone who shouldn’t be President, period’, but I think you’ll find if you look closely that actually, he really IS the President, and that’s not going to change for a while. So please, enough already. Get off your soapbox and stop the finger-wagging, before you bore us all to death. You’re in danger of becoming regarded as a twisted, bitter old man, with a touch of paranoia thrown in. Bloody hell, you’ll be wanting a no Trump ‘safe space’ on set next.

Just be quiet and stick to the day job. For us, that really would be ‘very nice, very nice’. Capeesh?

Nominated by Ron Knee

I think a well overdue cunting is required for stupid fuckers in the middle of a midlife crisis.

You know the type, and I’m sure everyone does. He’s the man of 35-45 years old who one day decides to go out and buy a Harley Davidson or a Porsche, and then drives it like he was 17 again. The compound I work on has a firm of architects and one of these cunts is in the middle of a Porsche midlife crisis. This involves buying an as bright as possible [please look at me] baby Porsche, fitting an attention -seeking loud exhaust, and then driving down a 200 metre stretch of narrow road with cars parked down both sides twice a day, like it’s the fucking Mulsanne Straight at Le Mans, even today when it was icy.

Everyone on the site is waiting for the inevitable road smash. I’m almost looking forward to it, so I can go out and film the cunt being cut out of the car, and then chin him just before he gets loaded onto the ambulance. Get a life and act your age, you cunt.

Nominated by Fuglyucker