Alex Salmond v the SNP
“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee speaking. I’m joined today by former Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, who was recently cleared of a number of sexual assault charges made against him. Mr Salmond has agreed to tell us what he intends to do in the wake of the trial. Good afternoon to you, Mr Salmond”.
‘Ah simply cannat accept that. There’ll be nae guid afternoons ’til ah’ve gotten retribution agin ma persecutors’.
“I see. Retribution against whom precisely?”.
‘Is it nae clear ta ye that ah’ve been th’ victim o’ a conspuricy?’.
“Well, various stories and rumours are doing the rounds. Your supporters have blamed a cabal of civil servants and some SNP figures close to Nicola Sturgeon, who supposedly saw the chance to rid the party of your legacy, for reasons that I must admit, remain unclear to me. It all sounds a little far fetched, even paranoid, if I may say so”.
‘Ah simply cannat accept that. Did ye no’ hear yon Kenny MacAskill say that “dark forces” were at work durin’ th’ trial? Let’s jist say th’ noo that ah might hae some evidence that couldnae come oot at th’ time. It jist might show th’ depths o’ some peepulls’ infamy. Infamy!’.
“They’ve all got it in for me! *Ah-hem* that’s just my, erm, little joke. So the word is that you’re writing a book, an expose which according to SNP veteran Jim Sillars, will be like ‘a volcanic eruption’ under the party. He goes so far as to suggest that it will lead to a clearout of what he calls the ‘rot’ at the top echelons of the party. It looks as though the SNP could experience some very serious blood-letting. Can you give us a little taster?”.
‘Nae can do. Ah’m keepin’ a low profile an’ ma pooder dry ’til this Coronaryvirus cack’s died doon, so ah can come oot all guns blazin’ fer maximum publicity. Th’ JFK an’ Roswell conspuricies have got nuthin’ on this, ah tell ye. This is goin’ tae top best sellin’ lists fae Troon tae Timbuktutankhamun!’.
“Goodness. Do you expect resignations from senior party figures in the light of your revelations? Might you even relaunch your political career with a coup against the SNP leadership?”.
‘Those pygmies are no’ in ma league. Ah tell ye that by th’ time ah’m done… och, fae noo let’s jist say that when Wee Jimmy gets ah read, she’ll pap her kecks wi’ a new tarr-tun!’.
“Well as you know, we here at IsAC would be delighted if you’d give us a sneak preview prior to publication. Our followers would love a good old fashioned story of down and dirty intrigue and back-stabbing within the SNP, particularly when there’s a large salicious content”.
‘Aye wull, mibbes aye, mibbes naw; there’d be th’ matter o’ bawbees tae be agreed furrst. Nuthin’ fae nuthin’, ye ken’.
“*Sigh* ‘mony ah mickle maks ah mockle’, as they say in your part of the world. Well thank you Mr Salmond, and, er, stay out of any tunnels in the meantime. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.
Nominated by Ron Knee
