Author Archives: A Cunt Who Cunts Cunts

Birders

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Mission, Texas - birdwatching (exposure & crop)_resize

Why do birders have cameras with such massive lenses? Is because they have small dicks? Probably…

Just spent two weeks in the Russian Far East with a group containing several twitchers. Picture it: There we are floating in a little rubber boat of the coast of Kamchatka watching brown bears on the shoreline. Cameras are clicking away furiously. Suddenly the bloke at the front of the boat swings his 500mm penis substitute around nearly knocking me out of the boat. Fuck the bears! He’s spotted a seagull and simply has to have as photo to prove it.

A few days later we are floating around in a little rubber boat with a driver who’s a bird expert. We are admiring sea lions. We’re in the wrong boat. The driver decides to hair off downstream to find some birds. Do we see any? Not really. There’s apparently a reed warbler in the bushes in winter plumage – but you can’t quite see it from here!!!

Don’t get me wrong. I like birds. But some of these guys are just cunts!

Nominated by: Dioclese

Rik Mayall

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Ade-Edmondson

Bugger it to hell! Missed another dead cunt…

News yesterday that Rik Mayall died at the age of 56. Now you might say that one should not speak ill of the dead, but I’m having none of that. As far as I’m concerned the seriously unfunny cunt is now just a seriously unfunny dead cunt. Simples!

Seen above, Mayall is pictured with another seriously unfunny cunt, Ade Edmonson. Apparently they used to be great mates until they fell out. Don’t know over what, but could it possibly be that someone suggested they do something that’s actually funny?

Nominated by: Dioclese

And while we’re at it :

This is a pre-emptive re-cunting of Stephen Fry as I’m sure it’s only a matter of minutes before he posts something about Rik Mayall’s death on Twitter.

Nominated by: Fred West

Nespresso

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Don’t get me wrong, I like decent coffee. None of the cardboard cup Starfuck’s shit for me! But FFS will somebody please shoot the pretentious little shit that Nespresso have writing their sales and marketing blurb?

Here’s an example of their latest shite that hit my mat in this morning’s post : “The new Fortissio Lungo Grand Cru is a symphony of length and intensity” Grand Cru? It’s fucking coffee FFS!

It goes on : “The coffee beans are exposed to monsoon winds after harvest to recreate the conditions of the long sea journey to Europe in the age of sailing ships.” Translation? They’re left lying around for a while before they’re processed.

Whoever this cunt is, he should be right at home with George Clooney who’s another pretentious cunt.

Check this out : An aspirational lifestyle

There. Got it off me chest. Time for a coffee…

Nominated by: Dioclese

Plastic Paddies

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The Ireland team of the 70s and 80s was shit, and nobody (especially in Ireland itself) gave a fuck. Then that ex-Leeds cunt, Jack Charlton, ropes in a load of Englishmen (and the mighty Paul McGrath) to play for the Irish and they get to the 1990 World Cup. Astonishingly they get to the quarter finals and these Irish ‘fans’ come crawling out of the woodwork.

Then four years later (USA 94) the whole world is infested with these ‘lifelong’ Irish fans who think football started in 1990. They were all over the place: Celebrities, journos, comedians, members of U2 and so on. None of them ever showing any interest in football, but all of a sudden part of Big Jack’s green and white army Seriously: in the mid 90s you couldn’t move for the bastards.

Fast forward to 2014: The Irish team is shite again, once more nobody gives a fuck and all their showbiz arselicking Plastic Paddy lifelong fans are nowhere to be seen. Gloryhunting, bandwagon jumping Plastic Paddy cunts!

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside

The Haka

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Load of fucking shit this is. A choreographed, stylised, quasi war dance, written specifically for the rugby team, performed in the name of “culture” at a sporting event. Get fucked. There isn’t one single drop of Maori blood running through any of these thick cunts, so where is the culture? And why do it?

Answer: because it amounts to blatant gamesmanship. These fuck-wits slap, gurn and snarl their way into a nice warm frenzy while the other bunch of hapless morons stand around freezing their tits off on winters night in New Zealand. Come kick off, only one team is capable of moving. Load of cheating, boring fucking shit.

P.S. When performed by Maori on a marae, a traditional haka is a thing to behold.

Nominated by: Kiwi Cunt