Are useful cunts. Maybe C.A.

Spiders, and how to keep them outdoors.

Short answer, you can’t, and why would you if they’re going to eat these infuriating fruit flies that are driving me insane!

The females live indoors mostly, you just don’t see them, while the males do macho stuff outdoors, like hang gliding and abseiling, and probably barbecueing, for all I know.

I was bitterly disappointed by the non-invasion of flying ants. Not a bloody one! I bought insect spray guaranteed to kill anything with wings.
Ha! The fruit flies haven’t got the memo.

Anyway, as you know, I have an aversion to insects, except butterflies and dragonflies.
I don’t even like caterpillars ( yes, I know. It’s like hating babies but quite liking small , well-behaved children ).

I once watched a woolybear, must have been six inches long, hump it way up my drive, the drive is a good car length, the wooly did it in about 3.8 seconds and quite frankly terrified me.

Enjoy your winter guests folks, though there’s one currently taking refuge under my two sofas and frightening the crap out of me when I catch it moving to and fro with the corner of my eye.

aol

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

I refuse to give the hook-nosed old cunt his titles. Arsehole he was, and always has been.

Khan has always denied that London had gtooming gangs,which they plainly had – and have. He was asked by a reporter for a comment, and an apology. That last word was probably too much for the old shitstain, and he refused to comment because he had “no time to spare”. This happened a coiuple of times, but the silly old bastard was so busy,he had tie to talk to the alcoholic dodgy dossier writer, Alistair Campbell. I hope his alcoholic breath made the little brown turd drunk:

aol

Nominated by W C Boggs.

 

Maybe She/he is Trans.C.A.

Call me a cynical, ungrateful cunt, but the ‘heroic’ Whelford farmer deserves a good old ‘look at me’ cunting.
The unknown (at the time of writing) woman has been lauded as a hero in some quarters for calling old bill when she spotted some shifty blokes and their transit vans in the dead of night, outside the perimeter of RAF Fairford.
Well done, you might think.
But it would appear that isn’t enough for our one woman agricultural anti terrorist squad.
She’s also claiming she ‘foiled’ the whole plot.
She’s obviously got herself down as a sort of Bruce Willis in a Barbour jacket and wellies.
At the end of the day, there’s nothing much heroic about seeing someone up to no good and calling the police.
Even a fucking child could do that.
What’s she after, I wonder?
The George Medal? A slot on Celebrity Masterchef?
I’ve seen people develop an ego after years of being told how great they are, but she’s only been in the news 4 hours.
What a self aggrandising old mare!

the sun

Nominated by Field Marshal Cuntgomery.

is a cunt .and why it won’t be around in the next 18 months or so.

HIGNFY….used to be a staple diet for me on a Friday evening many years ago…I even went to a recording of it when the London studios were a thing and Eddie izzard was the guest captain as Merton couldn’t make it for some reason. This is the time when Izzard was (for me anyway) A. very funny, and B a man who just liked wearing a bit of lippy.

Now, though it would seem it’s days are numbered. A few years ago the BBC brought out a rules that said panel games must include at least one woman….funny or not, they had to be there. Start of the decline IMO.

Now, this week we have had a report whereby 2 (yes, just two) viewers were in some way offended that Victoria Beckham was potentially being referred to as a cunt by the host of HIGNFY….that unfunny cunt Katherine Ryan. She never mentioned it directly, but merely inferred it.

Too much clutching of the pearl necklaces for two viewers who complained, and was upheld……..back in the day HIGNFY was far more cutting edge and no one complained. Tub of lard…anyone? Ripping the shit out of Boris, Ken Livingstone…it all went on, and that was for the better of the show. Now, though the sensitive cunts who watch get offended that Ryan may think Beckham may be it bit of a cunt. The BBC should grow a pair and tell them to fuck off, but I dare say the two complaints were from two employees, so the BBC can use them as an excuse to kill it off. It’s all gone a bit woke in recent years anyway.

bbcnews

Nominated by Chuff Chugger.

Is a cunt, probably though I haven’t a clue what Sir limply is cunting C.A.

The Dormeo Octasmart Memory Fresh Mattress Topper

These foam replacement mattresses have been punted around for a decade or two mainly on the telly and the proposition usually includes a fifty day money back guarantee and a running permanent discount. No I take that back – a special online offer now includes a 200 day sleep trial – if you don’t like it return it ….so how does that work? Ah well it is very well hidden in the blurb but the punter has to pay return carriage of £45 and the mattress must be as new and in its original packaging. If the mattress is accepted then the carriage is deducted from the lucre you have paid before you get your money back.

Now on to online reviews. As has happened to an old character of my acquaintance it appears that Dormeo or their agents do not sterilise the returned bedding before reselling it hence the tight coiled black pubic hairs embedded in his cover. Nice.
A typical review from TrustPilot
May 10, 2026. Note the recycling.

“I just this product but it on a bed i definitely not the bestt…
I just this product but it on a bed it was fine after a few weeks of using it noticed mattress and pillow started to come apart had a look inside both and was disgusted to see that was made up bits of old material the mattress springs if you can call them that were degraded and not looking that good the pillow was just full of bits and material left over definitely would never use or buy again”

trust pilot

Nominated by Sir Limply stroke link Unkle Terry.