“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s legal affairs and Scottish political correspondent Ron Knee reporting. Today I’m looking at the progress made regarding ‘Operation Branchform’, Police Scotland’s investigation into alleged *cough* ‘irregularities’ in The SNP’s finances. In the latest of a series of sensational developments, the police are now investigating the purchase, and subsequent sale, of a top-of-the-range Jaguar. I’m now joined by SNP spokesman Jock McSporran”
“Och aye laddie. Well let me say the noo thet as far as thess investahgayshun is concerned, ah kennit porsibly corment on ra detail. Suffice et tae say that ra party’s rec-urrd fae awnesty an’ integrity in government is impeccable. The poliss have nuthin’ on us, ken. As fer Nicola an’ Peter en parteklur, well, the pair are as innocent as a pair o’ 16-year-old virgins fae Drumchapel. Nae further corment aye”
“Mmm. I’m also joined by Special Constable Angus McCoatupp, lead investigator for ‘Operation Branchform’. What can you tell us by way of an update Constable?”
“Aye. Natchrally ah cannae corment in detail awn an orngoin’ investahgayshun. Suffice et tae say thet investahgayshuns are orngoin’ et ra moment”
“But these investigations have already been on-going now for over two years, no doubt at enormous expense to the public. When can we expect to see results?”
“Aye. well natchrally investahgayshuns tek up a great deal o’ time an’ resources, ken. Let me jest say thet ah expect us tae ah reached conclusions bah summer 2028, at which time *winks and touches nose* it will be fount thet there’s nae evidence o’ any wrong-doing bah naebody, nae arrests or charges will be made, an’ it’ll be shown thet naebody kent absolutely nuthin’ aboot nuthin’. Aye”
“Well I must say that things appear to be progressing rapidly towards a most satisfactory conclusion for all parties, not least the taxpayers and voters of Scotland. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”
Nominated by Ron Knee.
