(..and no, before you crack the bleedin’ obvious joke, this ain’t Diane Abbott or Katie Price on their day off!! – Day Admin)

How many of us have ever heard of the alligator snapping turtle, I wonder? Certainly not me, perhaps because it’s a native of the Florida swamps. Yet one has been found in a Cumbrian tarn and named Fluffy by a local vet.

This uninvited, invasive species from one of our erstwhile colonies is known to be dangerous, so our esteemed Prime Miniature wants to deport it to Rwanda.

Claiming that his aggression is due to mental health issues, Fluffy has enlisted a team of Turtle Rights Lawyers, at our expense, to fight his deportation. Luckily, the Rev Dick Head, vicar of St Fuckwits, Penrith, says Fluffy has converted to Christianity and will likely face death if returned to his native land.

Fluffy has now applied to become a British citizen, and the Home Office are fast tracking his case so it will come up for consideration in just 10 years time.

And who is the cunt in this story? Well obviously not the turtle but the stupid bastard who bought it, discovered the thing could grow to 90 kilograms and would cost a fortune to feed and keep warm, then dumped it in a lake. What a fucking irresponsible cunt.

BBC News

Nominated by: Geordie Twatt

(Very funny nom, mate. Good one! – Day Admin)

This has annoyed me for fucking years but today I experienced it five times in just over an hour, in Cardiff city centre.

It must be unimaginable to some cunts that someone else has been traipsing around for hours and might welcome the respite of a few seconds whilst being transported up a floor.

They must get to their all-important assignation or appointment a whole 5 seconds earlier than they would have done by staying still on the thing. Crisis averted.

The last cunt bashed into me and didn’t apologise, I asked him why he did not use the stairs that were nearby, I was told to mind my own business. This cunt was wearing a vest and shorts as well, so possibly using the thing as exercise equipment.

Any cunt walking or running on an escalator should be fucking electrocuted at the other end.

Nominated by: Mary Hinge

Yes, we have met up with some of these London types who have moved up here to escape the takeover of Londinium by the usual suspects!

My wife calls them friends, but I call them knobheads. And snooty knobheads at that.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago we were invited to a dinner party with them and 10 more of their equally knobheaded chums. All very plush with dinner plates and about 10 rows of cutlery and napkins and all sorts of posh bollocks just so that the hosts could show off their wealth in their rather posh home just outside Windermere.

I will admit the food was excellent, as was the drink. And to some extent the topic of conversation. However, as the drink flowed the hosts and their friends became ever more candid and it quickly became apparent that they were nothing more than plastic woke-types who believe everything they read in the Guardian and tick all the usual trending news headlines such as immigration, Brexit, net zero and all that shite.

It was very hard for me to restrain my temper as these cunts supported open borders, detested Brexit (and this government) and wanted more people off the roads and on public transport.

The massive irony here is that they both drive ICE cars, they both travel 20 odd miles too and from work every day; they have gas central heating, and take trips abroad at least twice sometimes three times every year!

Their lack of self awareness/irony was amazing. And I was so tempted to pull them up about it, but the missus pleaded with me to STFU.

This just underlines the two-faced hypocrisy of these plastic woke warriors. Very vocal about telling the masses what they can and can’t do (especially at street demos), but then doing the exact opposite for themselves.

Nominated by Technocunt.

The animal rights charity Peta has called for British fairgrounds to stop using horses and other animals on carousels because it encourages exploitation and instead replace them with objects that celebrate human achievement.

“It would be wonderful to see UK fairgrounds replace animal-shaped carousel figures with vehicles such as cars, unicycles, tractors, aeroplanes, rockets, and bulldozers – or more whimsical designs like shooting stars, rainbows, or brooms,” said Peta spokescunt Elisa Allen.

I would suggest these dickheads read their history. Horses have been domesticated for about 5000 years and have been essential for human development, used in everything from travel, transport, war, hunting, and trade, helping build great civilizations and empires and opening up trade routes like the Silk Road and the King’s Highway. How much more human achievement do these cunts want?

What better way to be celebrated than being ridden by a fat hyperactive six year old at a depressing British seaside resort.

Maybe these joyless fucking weirdos should concentrate their efforts on actual real life animals that are being exploited and not a child’s fairground ride. I hope their suggestions of vehicles are all electric or we will have the Just Stop Oil nutters laying down in front of Bertie the Bulldozer. Maybe whizzing round on a rainbow coloured dildo or a peaceful Rotherham taxi driver will keep everyone happy?

Daily Mail

Nominated by: Anyone?

Having read this piss boiling news item below I pass it on to my esteemed cunters to stick the boot in further. Whilst Chris Evans our Jeremy, Steve wright and Zoe Ballock brain and can’t be arsed to nominate other assorted glove puppets who used to boil my piss on a daily basis.

Having fucked about with catering for the snowflakes, and fucking the boomers off to other stations, the management now decide that they are now going to do something like Boom radio catering for old farts.

Too fucking late you commie cunts, you fucked up a basically working schedule and now want us to come back?

No sorry, It will be a fucking cold day in hell before I tune into your shit show radio stations again.

MSN

Nominated by CuntyMort.