Once upon a time, many moons ago, I was on an internal flight with Southwest Airlines in the States. I ordered a drink, which was accompanied by a packet of dryroasted peanuts. Amazingly, the packet bore the legend; ‘Caution; contains nuts’. I mean, who could possibly have worked that out by themselves?

On another occasion in the States, we got pizzas to go. On the box it stated ‘open box before eating pizza’. Then the was the Heinz Ketchup bottle which had ‘serve on food’ in big letters on the front label. Honest. As Yoda would say, ‘I shit you not’.

Everywhere you go, you encounter these statements of the bleeding obvious; instructions for idiots. You get in a lift at ground level, and press for level three. A disembodied voice then tells you ‘doors closing, lift going up’. No fucking shit. You buy a tube of haemorrhoid cream and the label shrieks ‘for external use only; do not consume!’. Well I don’t know about you, but I always thought it tasted good spread on toast. When I was working, we got this ‘health and safety’ shit circulated, and one thing it strongly advised was ‘wear sensible clothing and shoes’. As cunters will appreciate, I was immediately driven to forego my cherished fishnet stockings and stilettos.

This kind of persistent nannying has always driven me nuts, but this morning I came across possibly the most ludicrous ‘statement of the obvious’ instruction ever. I’ve got to go in for an operation soon (which I fervently hope proves to be completely routine) and received the usual information pack to prepare me about what to expect. Included in this was a leaflet about the benefits of getting up and moving about during your stay in hospital. Fair enough, you might think, but it contains this absolute gem; ‘if you have a urinary catheter, you can still be active. Just always remember to take the catheter with you’.

Fuck me sideways. Thanks for that. While you’re about it, why not advise us always to ensure that we’ve got our heads screwed on when we stroll up and down the ward?

pwdirect

Nominated by Ron Knee.

Dog obsessives are cunts.

Now, I don’t mean normal, responsible dog owners who train their mutt, exercise it, pick up its shit, obey lead laws etc. I’m on about the people who are so in love with dogs that they see any criticism, or any rule regarding their ownership, as an infringement on their yewman rights.

The people who refuse to train their dog to behave properly because ‘rules are cruel.’ The people who seem to believe that the world is made exclusively for them and their pet, and that they have the right to take it anywhere and everywhere. The people who post endless photos of their pooch on soshul meeja, and make it their entire personality. The people who think that those with a phobia or allergies should just ‘get over it’ or go somewhere else. The people who believe the ‘no such thing as a bad dog’ horseshit and refuse to recognise genetic differences between breeds.

The people who have so little regard for others that they won’t even bag and bin the shit after their dog does its business… you get the picture. These people are vermin. They are a cancer to society. And, worryingly, they are often the sort who are too lazy and/or incompetent to even own a dog in the first place.

Proper licensing is needed urgently.
(To be fair, you could easily swap dog for kid – NA)

RD.com Link.
(It’s older and American-centric but the most relevant one I can find. Unfortunately the media doesn’t discuss poor ownership enough).

Nominated by : OpinionatedCunt

Barbara Furlow-Smiles, former Facebook Diversity, Equity and Inclusion ( DEI) manager, used her position from January 2017 to September 2021 to defraud Facebook, to the tune of $5m+.

She faked events, business deals and invoices using fraudulent vendors, faked invoices and cash kickbacks. Friends and relatives, as well as Ms. Furlow-Smiles benefited.

GB News.

She also ran a similar scheme while working for Nike in a similar DEI role, though only managed to scam a paltry $120k from them.

Miss Furlow-Smiles is now enjoying the hospitality of the prison system, and will be doing so for the next 5 years. She’s also been ordered to repay both Facebook and Nike (good luck with that!).

I now invite my fellow cunters to guess Miss Furlow-Smiles ethnicity without reading the article. (I guessed correctly – NA)

Nominated by : Jeezum Priest

I was listening to a music channel while driving the other day. Well, I say ‘music channel’ but between the phone-ins, the news, the weather and the competitions, there was actually precious little music on offer, but that’s maybe for another time.

Oh, and let’s not forget the bastard adverts. In this case, I’m going for one in particular, one where a gushing, incredibly enthusiastic female was trying to convince the audience that a mobile phone deal was fantastic value ‘from just £something 99 pee per month!’. Even better, the superdelux deal was ‘from as little as £something 99 pee per month! That’s right; only £something 99pee per month!’ (Limited offer, terms and conditions apply rapid blah babble).

It will come as no surprise to cunters to learn that I was so impressed that I raced home and immediately signed myself and the wife up*.

Why, I ask myself, are advertisers so lacking in imagination that they still believe that anybody anywhere is influenced by this hackneyed, worn out technique? ‘From just… for as little as… only…’ ; and they always sound so amazed, you’d almost think they actually believed it themselves.

Fucking boring twats.

*Actually, I didn’t really…

Sporting Life.

Nominated by : Ron Knee