*Deadline Edinburgh, 2nd May 2024*

Oh dear, oh dear. North of the border, it’s a case of out with the the old, er… in with the old.

John ‘Mr Personality’ Swinney has thrown his hat into the ring to become the new First Minister after the discredited Humza Youseless threw in the towel. At the same time, another council has declared ‘a housing emergency’, as it is unable to meet the need for affordable rented accommodation.

When asked what he would actually do about this, Mr Swinney naturally went into SNP default mode of deflecting responsibility away from his own administration’s failings and inadequacies. ‘It’s a big priority’ burbled ‘Ornest Jawn’ (nae fuckin’ shite Sherlock). Sadly, he didn’t see what he could do about it, as it was all the fault of (wait for it!) budget cuts imposed ‘a hostile UK government’.

‘We can’t magic money out of thin air’ whined the slaphead twat. So his remedy? Why (stands back in amazement) independence, of course. Naturally, Swinney didn’t offer any indication as to just where the money might actually be magicked up from in the event of that prospect becoming a reality. Nae borther, it’ll be awreet awn tha neet.

Fuck off and change the record pal, this one’s been broken for years. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss…

Daily Record

Nominated by Ron Knee.

(The only long-term relationship this cunt can hang on to – Day Admin)

Lewis Crapaldi is a fat, ugly, self-pitying Jock cunt.

He can’t hold high notes, despite attempting them frequently in his ‘music’, and his entire act consists of whining about his inability to maintain a relationship and encouraging his audience of impressionable teenage girls to feel sorry for him about it.

It’s borderline incel behaviour and yet NO ONE calls him out for it. And the worst part? Courtesy of Hallam FM I frequently have to hear his moaning, narcissistic crap. His entire existence is pointless, and the world would be better off if it forgot him.

(The link is from 2020 but I can’t find anything else that would be relevant outside of Reddit threads. I suppose that demonstrates the extent to which th Crapaldi virus has taken hold).

The Tab

Nominated by:  OpinionatedCunt

What joy it brought me to see this news item on Al Beeb. It seems 500 of these devices are being given away free so that Endies (surely only a matter of time before “endie” is used as an insult like Spaz or Flid..?) can advertise their mongitude* to the emergency services via a handy “contact card with key information.”

How I will cheer when some hairy-arsed fireman is confronted with one of these polyester knob sleeves (complete with “STOP! Look inside to keep me SAFE**” printed on it 48 point), removes the contact card and decides to call the dribbly’s social worker for advice on neurodivergence, rather than cutting the spazzer out of the wreckage before it carries out some sort of mongtastic Joan of Arc impression.

The sergeant quoted in the article explains she’s concerned her son, being an endie, is likely to “run off”; not if his legs are trapped in the mangled remains of the engine block, he’s not.

There may be vanishingly unlikely edge cases where the willy warmers have a small degree of utility, but I’m buggered if I can think of one offhand.

* I have an idea for a game show called “What’s wrong with the mong?” where celebrity favourites like Katie Price and Carol Vorderperson are paired with consultant paediatricians and have to guess what ails a variety of dribblies.

** I am mightily pissed off with this widespread belief in the fallacy that ‘things’ can keep you ‘safe.’ It’s a bag of horse tits put about by cunts who don’t understand what safety is.

BBC News

Nominated by: Gloria Snockers

A cunting for Westminster City Council, and a fuck off great pat on the back for a bit of common sense at this fine lady who stood up to those that wish to push their own version of the gender agenda.

This lady was hounded by the powers that be for simply stating words to the effect of ‘just because you have your cock and balls chopped off, you’re still a man….not having a cock and balls doesn’t automatically make you a woman’

Westminster city council didn’t quite see it that way, and were annoyed that this social worker lady had stated some common sense, so tried to shut her up by threatening her with disciplinary action leading to potentially the loss of her job she had been doing for 20 years.

In a very rare bit of good news on this front, the judge agreed that her opinion shouldn’t be ‘hushed up’ and awarded her £58k.

The council also received a timely bollocking.

A quote from the article: The social worker took Westminster City Council and Social Work England to an employer tribunal for harassment and discrimination and in January it ruled in her favour.

Well, fucking good for her I say.

kent online

A wake up call for these glass jawed snowflake cunts that seem to be running this country now.

Nominated by Chuff Chugger.

If ever Kweer Charmer breaks both arms, he need not worry about his lavatory arrangements. His arselicker in chief, camp as Xmas, limp-wristed poofter Streeting will be there to wipe the Prime Ministerial bum and insert a soothing suppository.

Streeting really is the Starmer mouthpiece – His Masters Voice who will say things Kweer himself hasn’t got the guts to say, for example:

So any of us who do not vote for that shit Suckdick Khan is not at all duckie in Streeting’s bent little world.

Streeting’s price for this invaluable service? – a safe Northern seat for his boyfriend/husband/cocksucker, bumboy Joe Dancey, another Londoner like Streeting himself. Strictly Come Dancey – who does the womens steps?

What a poisonous little fairy Streeting is.

Daily Fail

Nominated byW. C. Boggs.