William Shakespeare (2)

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Nomination: William Shakespeare.

Turned on the news the other day to see some cocksucker with a waxed moustache wanking on about fucking Shakespeare. Number one, anyone who has a waxed moustache in 2017 is a cunt and anything they say can be safely ignored. Number two (ooer, missus), I fucking hate the way Shakespeare is routinely described as the greatest writer (in English) ever. FUCK THAT STRAIGHT UP THE ARSE.

I’m pretty sure most cunters would agree that Shakespeare ruined their English lessons at school. Fucking pages of boring, barely understandable crap, interwoven with shite jokes and bullshit history. Shakespeare doesn’t hold a candle to Orwell, Hemingway or even Isaac Asimov when it comes to writing a decent fucking story.

Nominated by Cunt’s Mate Cunt.

Dara O’Briain (3)

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May I nominate a cunt, friends?

My sister recently emailed me to say how excited she was at having bumped into (ambushed in the street like teen-ager!) Dara O’Briain. Oh yes, I replied. He’s a cunt isn’t he?

Yes he is, and here’s why. Some time ago Rory Bremner explained why he doesn’t do Islam jokes: Afraid to, as indeed I would be. I forgave the lily livered fucker, as he was actually highlighting the situation, and making a point without putting his bottom on the line.

Dara O’Briain however is a slimy, dishonest cunt. Listen to the lying bastard:
“You do get people giving out and going ‘Well, you know, you will joke about the Christians but you won’t joke about the Muslims, huh, why is that?’ To which my slightly angry response is: my job is not to write YOU jokes about Muslims. I’ll write about stuff I know and I KNOW about growing up Catholic, but the Muslim stuff, you know…? It’s not any comedian’s job to supply angry people with anti-Muslim material, and it’s a question you hear a lot, as if somehow that balance should exist.”

So why isn’t O’Briain angry? Maybe if he had to pick bits of his daughter’s brain out of his hair he might manage a “slightly angry response” to that. It wasn’t his daughter though was it?

So, Dara isn’t angry, he can just hide behind his cowardly immoral politics, and expect us to believe he’s human. He’s a fucking worm.

Nominated by The Arsebishop of Cunterbury.

Facebook

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It’s about time Facebook had a cunting.

I’m currently serving 24 hours in FB prison due to meme I posted in one of the groups I’m a member of being removed, after some snowflake cunt reported me. It was a cartoon of a pig fucking a muslim, with the words, “That’s the way Allah, Allah I like it”.

The post I put it on was by some muslim gobshite bragging the UK would be taken over by muslims and we’d all become slaves.

(Ed: Provocative and insulting to all non-muslim British people. Slavery is a crime in the UK.)

Now I don’t really give a fuck about being blocked, I have a life outside FB. Besides, I see it as a badge of honour. I’ve offended at least one lefty, and that pleases me.

What annoys me, is Zuckerberg’s double standards. He’s quite happy to allow the most vile, left wing bullshit to be posted without sanction, but when those of us who are NOT braindead, lefty dickheads post something, we don’t even get to appeal. There was also mentioned in the message that they would delete my profile if I keep doing it. Big fucking deal.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw.

J D Wetherspoon

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Can I nominate for a royal cunting Weatherspoons?

I have been told they are the reason for a few of my favourite locals being put out of action.

I refused to be drawn to such a mighty symbol of the globalist elite, putting hard working grubby locals out of business.

Problem is I went into one of the culprits yesterday and found Doombar to be £2 a pint, a bowl chips topped with goodness at £3 a bowl, the atmosphere was terrific and the décor superb.

This throws me quite the conundrum. One of my favourite moans is that it is impossible to go out on £20 and pubs have lost their atmosphere. I am now faced with choice between getting stung at my local or capitulating to the den of commercialism. For that dilemma weatherspoons are complete and utter cunts.

Also having re-read the above and realising that I am becoming a middle class yuppy makes them even bigger cunts on a personal level than before.

Nominated by bandwagoncunter.

Virgin Media (2)

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It’s nice to finally have internet back after nearly 2 weeks, I would like to nominate a cunting for VIRGIN MEDIA for making me wait that long just to have a bloke “an engineer” come around and unplug one box and plug in a new one . Really two fucking weeks why couldn’t you send it in the post like they used to so I could have done it myself ……wankers.

Nominated by Sheriff Of Cuntingham.

I’ll second that cunting, because Virginmedia are fucking useless, their e-mail app is shit and when you finally wish to dispense with their overpriced services you have to jump through hoops on the phone for an hour while some hapless (and no doubt underpaid) poor sod in Calcutta or Delhi tries desperately to sell you more shite. I bet her bearded cunt of a boss dropped her into a shark tank for her failure, Bond villain style…

Nominated by Mr Bastard.

Virginmedia are indeed cunts of a higher order.

Bad enough trying to explain broadband problems to some Bangalore bot; then the fucking cunts throw in random £3.99 price hikes every few months.

Not coming across all fucking Anne Robinson but make sure you cunters ring up Virginmedia retentions at least every 6 months to try and get a marginally less excremental deal.

As an aside, nothing gets my fucking goat more than your average greasy-overalled phone company shitheel being described as an ‘engineer’ by Virginmedia. He is not a fucking engineer. He is a repairman. Perhaps if this fucking country held REAL engineers in higher regard, then we wouldn’t be treading human shit freshly laid by the fucking financial sector.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.