The ‘Natural Cycles’ App.

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Actually not the App itself but the fucking cretins that used it then fell pregnant.

I’d not heard of this steaming pile of cunt before today but as is always the case with a slow news day, shite makes the headlines.

Apparently this app somehow follows the users ‘natural cycle’ and claims to be 99% effective.

As I was in the mood for a bit of self harming I put the TV on and on came the Al-BBCeer news at 6pm.

The report featured a proper cunt snowflake millennial who’d got pregnant after using it.

She spoke in that grating millennial way, inflections at the end of every fucking sentence, stated she suffered from depression (you don’t say – who wouldn’t after the cunt B Liar promised you everything for nothing then realised you’d been conned) but focussed on the fact she felt ‘conned’ as the advert of Facefuck stated it was 99% accurate.

The advert on Facefuck. Hold that thought…

Nominated by CuntyMcCuntface

Dead Pool [111]

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Congratulations to ‘Er Indoors who predicted the very sadly inevitable death of BBC Five Live Presenter and newsreader Rachael Bland who has very sadly died aged just 40 after a 2 year struggle with breast cancer. Thoughts are with her husband and young son at this difficult time.

Apologies to Black and White Cunt who was named the winner before we realised that he’d been pipped to the post by an earlier nomination.

So we move on to Dead Pool 111.

Here are the rules (pay special attention to the first one):

1. Nominate who you think is the next cunt on the way out. You can have up to five choices. List your nominations in the comments of this post. It’s the current Dead Pool. Comments not in this post (e.g. in the previous one or other posts) will be ignored!

2. You win if your Cunt dies first.
Then the slate is wiped clean and we start again. Of course, you can always be a really annoying cunt and steal someone else’s dead cunt candidate from the previous pool (like Black and White Cunt frequently does).

3. It actually has to be some newsworthy cunt that people have actually heard of!

Oh, and the usual “Our Blog Our Rules” thing applies.

Litter Louts (2)

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I’d like to nominate litter louts for a right royal cunting.

My dear old grandad always used to say that a dog shites on its own doorstep because it doesn’t know any better. You’d expect that people would know better, but sadly not. There are thousands of brain dead mongs everywhere who’ll ruin any public place, be it a street, a park, a beach, a motorway, a playgound , whatever, by burying it under a pile of their cans, bottles, food containers and other assorted shite.

These arsewipes should be herded up and slung into concentration camps. Hitler might have been a total cunt, but he wasn’t ALWAYS wrong. Cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Dandelions

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Hands up if you fucking well despise dandelions.

I love flowers and plants of all kinds, and while I’m the first to admit that I’m no Monty Don, I do enjoy a spot of gardening, a pastime which I find to be both relaxing and therapeutic. But one thing puts the mockers on it for me, and that’s dandelions, those pig ugly little triffid wannabes.

We’ve had precious little rain these last few weeks, and gardens have started to resemble the Kansas dustbowl as most plants have shrivelled up and died. Not dandelions though, oh no. You’ve almost got to admire just how tough they are, harder than Jason fucking Statham and that’s a fact. Get a drop of rain and they’re like a rat up a drainpipe. There are suddenly hundreds everywhere, and you can hear them growing.

You can rip off their fucking sickly looking yellow heads, blowtorch them, dig them up and poison them, but you can never succeed in getting rid of them. Miss one flower, and you’ve got a ‘clock’ which scatters a thousand seeds to the wind. Flies envy their ability to breed that fast.

I’m not paranoid, but I reckon that Mulder and Scully need to get on to this bloody sharpish. The fuckers are out to take over I tell you…

(enter Mrs Knee with my meds and a soothing ‘now calm down, dear, the doctor’s coming…’).

Nominated by Ron Knee

Netflix (2)

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I would like to nominate the Netflix (un)Original series “Designated Survivor” for a cunting.

The premise is great: during the State of the Union address the Democrats and Republicans nominate a “Designated Survivor” to remain in a protected location away from Capitol Hill. Usually cunts who’ve upset their respective parties.

Now what happens if Capitol Hill is blown the fuck up and all of Congress with it??

What a great premise for a series. Kieffer Sutherland playing the impromptu President thrust into the ultimate position of power.

So potential rag heads have blown fuck out of DC. So in complete opposition to the Trump mantra of “Let’s stop this shit…” (cunts from predominantly “peaceful” shitholes) “…until we know what the hell is going on!”, Kieffer – me auld sausage – takes the opposite slant that it CAN’T POSSIBLY BE PEACEFUL SCUM so let’s let all of the cunts in anyway and fuck the unworthy, waycist US citizens in deference to our bomb-makery friends.

Also there are strong nods that the attack could be – shock, horror – from within the US Govt itself.

In fact pick any line Trump has said in the last 18 months, flip it 180 degrees, and you’ll be in the ball-park of what Kieffer says.

His wife is an immo lawyer fighting to keep ICE targets in the US.

You really couldn’t make it up. Except Netflix has. Not that their preachy fucking message will ever affect the glitteratti or meejah establishment where THEY belong!

An original idea completely ruined by leftist neo-liberal bullshit.

Fuck you Netflix you unpatriotic cunts!

Nominated by Rebel without a Cunt!