Kleenex & Gentlemens’ Relish

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Bugger me, latest PC news fresh in the press is that Kleenex “Man Size” is to be re-branded as “Extra Large” due to complaints orf, you are ahead orf me, “it’s sexist” me dears.

Fine for those orf us with a generous Blighty Beezer and a todger to match but in this snowflake age orf all inclusive (went to Pontins Ramsgit once orn one orf those, never again) trans up-arsing it don’t cut the mustard. It short Yours Truly is oitraged and demands a re-branding orf the re-branding.

What turn-key phrase could immediately convey to the end user the product’s USP, its functionality in absorbing all bodily fluids in a non binary existential paradign sort orf way me hearties? Light bulb moment. I give you:

Kleenex Wank Size.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Waitrose is having to change name of its ‘Gentleman’s Relish Chicken Caesar Roll’ after a complaint by one Amy Lamé, who objected on the fatuous basis that she always assumed sandwiches to be gender neutral.

Following a bonfire glow of self-righteous rage from the Twitterati (well, half a dozen half-wits), Waitrose made a snivelling apology, and agreed to change this ‘sexist’ branding. I’m sure that the smug Ms Lamé (make that Lame) will have enjoyed her sandwich as she basked in the adoration of the righteous, and then returned to the demanding duties of being Sadiq Khan’s London Night Czar, whatever the fuck THAT is.

Personally I think that she should get out more, you know, GET.A.LIFE.

Nominated by Ron Knee

A massive cunting for companies who cave in to feminist demands. The makers of Kleenexe tissues for changing the name of the Mansize tissues to appease the whingeing wimmin, and also Waitrose for changing the name of a ‘sexist’ sandwich.
What cunts, grow a spine and tell those tiresome screeching feminists to fuck off.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Little Napoleons

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Shortish people are little cunts, aren’t they?

I’ve never liked the spooky fuckers and I simply abhor the way they are treated with reverence, doused with accolades just for being short-arses. Yes, yes, we all like a bit of Panto and frankly Time Bandits is a marvellous film. However these are exceptions. Let’s face it most of them are mean-spirited, nasty little shits with a permanent chip on their tiny shoulder. A smidgeon of meritocracy should be applied to prevent excessive praise just for looking odd.

Take one little fucker in the news today, John Bercow. Elevated far above his talents, everything is compact about this pint-sized prick except his modesty. This deformed baby howls at anything in targets (Trump, Brexit) whilst constantly bullying women, and all the while supposedly remaining impartial! Does he obtain special dispensation because of his stature? Is he treated specially because he plays the ‘short-arse’ card?

They seem to fall into one of a few categories:-
▶ Creepy: like that Mini Me or the one from Fantasy Island. Also that terrifying freak in Don’t Look Now.
▶ Overrated: Toulouse-Lautrec, any special Olympian athlete, Tom Cruise.
▶ Cunts: Wee Krankie (the hideous, angry one who fronts the SNP, not the weird, angry one who fronts the comedy marriage) and John Bercow.
▶ Not funny: Wee Krankie (the weird, angry one who fronts the comedy marriage, not the hideous, angry one who fronts the SNP) and Warrick Davies.

Kenny Baker (R2-D2) and that Peter Dinklage chap from Game Of Thrones were the only cool smaller people actors (especially Dinklage who spent the first few series whoring, drinking, and quipping).

My awkward anxiety is palliated if these height-challenged Napoleon clones are not in my immediate vicinity and are doing things like roly-polys or riding hilarious, miniature bicycles in a children’s Christmas theatre production. Otherwise they are creepy, insidious, traumatising, cunty runts of Nature.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Bono [14]

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Okay, okay, I know it’s a case of ‘been there, done that, bought the tee shirt’, but does this pompous, opinionated gobshite deserve yet another cunting, or what??

Not content with foisting his ponderous dirges on us for years, the short-arsed tax dodger continues to delude himself that he’s a player, a mover and shaker on the world stage, and that everyone outside his privileged little bubble actually gives a flying fuck for his opinions on anything.

Of late, the little turd’s being giving it out on the question of Europe. According to this self-styled visionary, ‘Europe is a grand, inspiring idea… the idea of Europe deserves songs written about it (just no, please no!!), and big, bright blue flags deserve to be waved about’. Yer man has indeed been doing just that at gigs, describing said flag waving as ‘a radical act’.

As further evidence of his progressive, social justice credentials, the wee tosspot dressed in a clown’s outfit at a recent concert in Paris, and called Swedish Democrats ‘Nazis’ (complete with a ‘Sieg Heil’ salute) for having the audacity to question their own country’s extremely liberal immigration policy.

In other news, we learn that the wankstain has recently met with Pope Francis at the Vatican, to discuss, as he told reporters afterwards, ‘themes that include the wild beast that is capitalism’. ‘The wild beast that is capitalism’. What a bunch of totally pretentious, up your own arse wank. Tell you what, Frankie boy, just grant the hypocritical arsehole’s secret wish, and make him Saint Bono immediately.

Recently U2 was forced to abandon a show in Berlin, when Cunto’s voice gave out temporarily. Personally, I would take it as proof positive of the existence of the Almighty were this temporary state to become permanent, and we were spared any more of his tedious, sanctimonious bullshitting.

Meanwhile, all we can do is look on the bright side. Bono; the gift to cunting that just keeps on giving.

Nominated by Ron Knee

CNN [2]

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A massive, uber cunting for CNN. In case any of you haven’t seen it, Kanye West met Trump at the White House and to his credit said a lot of true things about Hillary, the left, the Democrats and how they behave. And how did CNN respond? They called him the ‘token n3gr0’ and said ‘this is what happens when n3gr03s don’t read’ – or, in other words, you are a minority so you must get in line and agree with us or else – no leaving the plantation for you! And they say WE’RE the fucking racists?! Cunts!

Nominated by OpinionatedCunt

Benedict Cumberbatch [5]

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Benedict Cumberbatch is a cunt, isn’t he?

According to eye-witnesses (well, him) he foiled an attempt by four attackers to mug an innocent man, alone in London. This was in the dingy, mean streets of Marylebone. Apparently, according to an on-the-spot witness (erm, him again), he prevented the crazed, presumably drug-fuelled, madmen severely hurting a poor delivery bloke on a moped.

Hmmm.

Marylebone High Street is a wealthy restaurant area frequented by the type of entitled turd with oodles of spare cash and hardly a dodgy area. Dave “I won’t resign if Remain loses” Piggy-Cameron dines there. It’s also in close proximity to Baker Street. Cumberbatch and Baker Street. I smell the rancorous odour of a cheap marketing story.

Furthermore it was last year. Why’s the story bursting now? In vain have I searched for this daring crime-fighter to be flogging some new, insipid tv dogshite but no; nothing except a film about Brexit. Psh.

Listen Benny, you’re not fooling anyone. Your Harrow days weren’t spent scrapping overTop Trumps in the playground and your RADA stage-fighting wouldn’t beat a cripple with spaghetti arms. Your story’s about as authentic as the refugees you pretend to house. Cease interfering in virtue-signalling politics and fuck off back to Castle Cuntbags in Hampstead to rub talcum powder on your balls, you one-trick pony, poodle-faced ponce.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous