The School Run.
How did it ever get this bad. I was a child at school between 1974/1986 and one thing I remember as clear as it were yesterday is that no fucker ever got dropped off by their parents in a car. Neither primary nor high school. Maybe it was just because it was the seventies and eighties, the fact that cars were usually one per family and only used at weekends, maybe kids were less lazy, I don’t know.
What I do know know is this – the hour between 0800 and 0900 is possibly the most stressful in my day. I work weird shifts so the privilege of taking my spawn to school falls usually on me. As an appetiser to this cunt of a main course I usually finish work at 0200, in bed for 0230 and up at 0645, (sometimes I come off nights at 0700) giving me a solid 4 hours sleep in preparation for this fucking treat as my wife nonchalantly applies her make up and informs me I was snoring.
Following my prepping the kids’ packed lunches and winding myself up asking my 14 yr old if he’s ready we eventually get in the car. The first bit is the high school drop, distance 3.8 miles. some of it on a dual carriageway. Problem 1…Why the fuck do people get annoyed when you overtake them…. on a dual carriageway? It’s not synchronised driving or the video to fucking “Metropolis”. I’m not questioning your manhood. Half the fuckers giving it the big man would run a mile if I stopped. I have never understood road rage. The rest is a windy B road which seems to be a suicide hotspot for foxes and badgers and a test track for the local council bin wagons. Kicking the 14yr old out half a mile short is the easy bit, the return journey and subsequent walk to the primary school with the the 4 year old is the real test.
Our primary school is lovely, C of E, good OFSTED rating and up a long cul-de-sac and “no parking” markings everywhere for safety. Because I’m not a lazy cunt and think child safety is important I park a good half mile away and walk. By doing this I don’t wind up the residents, I promote exercise to my child and during the ten minute walk I wind my self up to the point that I act out scenarios in my head where I drag the always the same fat lazy cunts parked right outside the fucking school on the fucking zig-zags in the same fucking “their spot” in their same fucking cars which invariably fall into two fucking categories, the pile of shit; usually a Vauxhall or Ford with a magic tree hanging from the fucking rear view mirror in a pointless attempt to mask the smell of counterfeit fags being chain smoked by the driver and passenger as they wait to disgorge Lexi or Callum in a blue fucking haze so they can fuck off home and either watch Judge Rinder (she) or play Call of Duty (he) or secondly – the “aren’t we well off car” Audi, BMW, Merc, you know the drill, bonus points for those badges in a 4 x 4, usually “parked” in the most arrogant fucking manner, across driveways, forcing people onto the road and more often than not occupied by either – lone female, blonde, over fucking forty, bottoxed to the fucking max and either a) dressed for the coffee morning with the other cunts of her ilk where they will feign liking each other and secretly examine each others faces for fine fucking lines or b) “dressed” for the gym. Not to do anything remotely useful like fucking exercise mind, oh no, just to ponce about like an absolute cunt, pouting at the invariably gay fitness instructors and looking at other women’s arses wondering if it is better than theirs. Or lone male, he’s the male equivalent of the above but usually does the school run just once a week in order to let people know that above cunt has a husband, he will inevitably be dressed for work, usually a suit and, more often than not, a bluetooth earpiece which he will constantly speak loudly into with the fucking window open, pretending to talk with Ryan in fucking accounts regarding some fantasy deal when he is really watching fucking Pornhub on silent between his fucking legs whilst Georgia or fucking Henry watch their iPads in the rear. Following this ritual scent marking this absolute cunt will fuck off to his work and prematurely ejaculate in his dog rough minimum wage secretary whilst secretly wishing his cock was bigger. My daily fantasy usually ends the same, after dragging these utter cunts out of their cars, they are all stood in a line, they all apologise and are then machine gunned to death in front of the cheering children for being such utter selfish cunts.
Nominated by HenryV
Michael Gove
