Netball.

A very quick non-political, non-religious, non-sexist, non-racist, non-Brexit interlude of a cunting for this pile of old pony.

Netball. More specifically the Beeb’s sad and cynical attempt to ‘big up’ a playground game and represent it as a major sport, because they can’t afford much else and there’s a World Cup coming along.

It’s shite (and I speak as an emeritus professor of know it all with a PhD from ISAC, never having watched a game but seeing the same news clip twice already). A bunch of giggly tarts handing a ball around before it gets to the tall one stood next to the net. Everyone stops. Tall girl puts the ball in the net. All the other girls hop about and cheer. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Sports moment of the year 2018? Hardly.

Netball is no more interesting or relevant than many other ‘keep the kids busy’ pastimes – rounders, cross-country, hide and seek, British Bulldog – that should be illegal beyond the age of 16 (At which age, the boys need to be brushing up on their knife-fighting skills if they are to survive ‘on the street’ and the young ladies can move on to more interesting and useful endeavours; shagging, shopping, cooking, cleaning, nail technology and shagging some more.)

If you can’t live without live prime time netball, get the girls in the office to stand in a line and pass a crumpled sheet of A4 from one end to the other, where the last girl puts it in the bin. Whoopy fucking doo.

At least with rounders nobody in the UK takes it seriously once they have discovered the joys of wanking. (Not so in the US, where the two pastimes seem mutually supportive and go on well into middle age. Baseball? Rounders for fat cunts, no more).

Netball Schmetball. Turn it off immediately and do not, for fuck’s sake, encourage the Beeb in any way. That way lies madness: Wheelchair Netball, Celebrity Netball, Celebrity Netball in a Jungle, Celebrity Comic Relief Para-disabled Netball on ice, Naked Netball on Love Island with Bare Grylls.

Anyway; just had to get that off my chest. It’s been a busy few days and I didn’t want to take Morning Assembly in a foul mood.

Gunner.

Nominated by Gunner Sugden

What the fuck is going on with with these stupid bastards? A load of thick unwashed and attention seeking academics are disrupting the capital by putting boats in Oxford Circus and supergluing themselves to windows and trains while that stupid old sod Prattemborough bangs on about the death of the planet.

So what’s the answer? Well here’s the punch line – they don’t have one. Never mind. Protesting will solve everything.

Here’s my answer. Leave the stupid bastards superglued to whatever they attach themselves to until they starve and wallow in their own shit. Glued yourself to a train? Hold on tight because its leaving on time. Parked a boat in Oxford Street? Bulldoze the fucker and anyone who gets in the way.

And while we’re at it, starve the bastards of the oxygen of publicity by ignoring them on the media. Some silly bitch appeared on Good Morning Britain yesterday and Madeley asked what was the point of it all. She replied “It got me on TV” which pretty much sums it all up.

She actually said that she expected the human race to be extinct within her childrens’ lifetime. And this cunt is a lecturer teaching our children!?! Well, let’s hope the silly cow leads the way and going extinct first.

There’s some really stupid people out there. Why the fuck do we pander to them?

Fuck ’em all and the horse they rode in on..

Nominated by Dioclese

Extinction Rebellion are in desperate need of nomination. A bunch of middle class, private school, university ‘educated’ jobless fucktards, who think they have a divine right to tell us plebs that we need to stop using planes, cars, trucks, vans, trains, motorbikes, etc, and start using more eco friendly modes of transport. Presumably they mean walk, ride donkeys, horses, camels, Great Danes, pedal bikes.

For the past three days, these ignorant, arrogant posh fuckers have brought chaos to London…sorry…MORE chaos to London, by staging protests and causing a massive nuisance to road users, commuters and businesses. Not to mention the cost to the taxpayer for policing and the inevitable clean up of rubbish that these ‘eco’ warriors will inevitably leave behind them. When I joined the protest of military veterans in London, in support of Sgt Alexander Blackman (Marine A), we did so peacefully, respectfully and tidily. Plod had little to do that day, because unlike on protests such as their suffering now, they didn’t have to make any arrests, or put up with any abuse. Many of them are military veterans themselves, so they knew the score. And I dare Westminster council was quite pleased, because they didn’t have to pay for any clean up. Unlike these fuckers though.

This morning (Wednesday 17th April) Adam Boulton had one of the leaders of this group of trust funders on, and completely destroyed him, to the point that little Tarquin spat his dummy out and stormed off. The only thing that spoiled it, was Boulton referring to the group as right wing. Fucking what? Robin Boardman-Pattison is his name. Real working class name that, isn’t it? RBP reckons that we should all stop taking foreign holidays because, muh airplanes are killing the world. The interweb is not a good place to be if you’re a hypocrite. And Robin Boardman-Pattison is a massive hypocrite. There are loads of photos of this gobby little shite on his jollies. His foreign jollies. Skiing in the alps, visiting Pisa, Rome, other EU countries, and various exotic destinations around the world. And I dare most of his chums have similar photos too. I’m pretty sure they didn’t walk to their foreign holidays, they must have taken bikes. Or horses? Nah. We all know the cunts got their by plane.

I have a theory. I don’t think these dickweeds really want everyone to stop using things like cars and planes. I think they want us plebs to stop using cars and planes, so that THEY can drive and fly wherever they want, without being disturbed by us unwashed peasants. Fuck off Extinction Rebellion. You want my car? Come get it. I’ll show you a great view of it’s underside.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

The institution otherwise known as the John Lewis Partnership

John Lewis was founded in 1928. It currently employs 83,000 staff and has a turnover of over £10 billion a year.

In September 2018 John Lewis announced that their profits have fallen by 99% (from £83m to £1.2m), their first pretax loss in over a decade.

Chairman (Sir Charlie Mayfield) has already partly blamed Brexit for this for their disappointing figures. Dominic Raab criticized the chain for these comments.

Charlie Mayfield, said the main reason for its fall in profits was the £40m cost to its department stores of matching twice as many discount extravaganzas than in the same period last year. The results had been hit by heavy discounting at other retailers, which forces its department stores to lower prices under their signature “never knowingly undersold” pledge.

The company also added that the “level of uncertainty facing consumers and the economy, in part due to ongoing Brexit negotiations” made it difficult to forecast trading for the next six months but it expected full-year profits to be down.

“I didn’t actually say that Brexit is to blame for our results. But the fact is that sterling is weaker and one of the factors in that is uncertainty, I hoped not to see a no-deal Brexit, that would be a very bad outcome for the UK and the consequences are extremely unpredictable.”

Despite rumours that John Lewis has spent £5m on hiring Elton John for its Christmas ad campaign this year, Mayfield said the department store had not spent “a penny more” than last year on its advertising.

In January 2017 John Lewis promoted Paula Nickolds, who joined the company as a graduate trainee 22 previously, to be the first female managing director in the department store group’s 152-year history. “Paula has got the partnership in her DNA. “She is ferociously bright and a very good people person. She is hugely respected and a woman with outstanding taste,” said one person who knows Nickolds well.

Richard Hyman, the veteran retail analyst, said Nickolds was a great pick to lead the next phase of development at John Lewis because she was an “old fashioned retailer” who was in touch with what customers wanted and would help keep the brand relevant in a tough economic climate. “Anybody can reduce costs if they compromise on quality or service.

It would be a big mistake for John Lewis to jeopardize the single strongest competitive advantage it has which is customer service,” Hyman said.

https://uk.trustpilot.com/review/www.johnlewis.com

Good luck with that. Think I am right in saying that John Lewis has outsourced their complaints handling? Very easy to blame Brexit for everything, perhaps Sir Charlie and Paula should take a look as to what their customers think?

I have been a John Lewis customer for many, many years and have used them primarily for their excellent customer service. Don’t know what the fuck has happened there but looking at the evidence will not be using them again and think it is fair to say that their time is almost up.

John Lewis RIP. Or Mike Ashley?

Nominated by Willie Stroker

SHAKIRA MARTIN

A no-platforming, gentle soy boy cunting please for this hysterical lady , 31 going on 12 , who has taken to the Osborne Comic aka Evening Standard to voice her dismay over Steptoe (Jeremy Corbyn). She worshiped him, she idolised him she gave her “PERSONAL” backing to this wonderful man, but Mistress Martin is now upset with him, to the point where her voice breaks with emotion.

As far as I am concerned if you go to university you should just get on and study so you can try to get a good job to pay back the money we loan you to live on our charity for 3 years while you study feminism and get pissed in the student bars. In short they should just shut the fuck up. Why is a 31 year old still reliving her student days.

Of course she is a remainer and you can read her grievances here, if you have the patience, and reflect what a self important little up her own arse cunt she is:

https://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/esmagazine/jeremy-corbyn-young-voters-a4100906.html

Nominated by W.C. Boggs

Game of Cunts more like.
As I don’t want Sky-TV I’ll confess I’ve never watched a second of this steaming pile of shite. But then I don’t have to because every time I pick up a newspaper it contains countless pages which could be devoted to something sensible and not a load of wankery about some invented fantasy world complete with bollockery language all of its own a la JK Cunty. And then it creeps into the Westminster reportage as in “this is all similar to Game of Thrones” as if I give a shit.

I gather it’s ending soon so this is probably a few years overdue.

Well piss off into oblivion then.

Nominated by Isaac Hunt