I should like to nominate butlers for a cunting. I have never met an honest one; they are a bunch of self-serving, drunken blighters who invariably work against their long-suffering employers rather than for them.

The latest transgression by my current butler (Arnold Shittern) is the wearing of a hazmat suit while going about his butlering duties and claiming it a necessary precaution against Covid-19.

You can imagine the impression created when visitors call. Despite being told repeatedly not to, he continues with this abomination, even when he’s out picking up odds and ends from the local food bank.

Obviously this has its advantages – no one dares question his appropriation of all the champagne, oysters or caviar for instance – but I really detest being served afternoon tea by an urban spaceman and having half of it spilled in my lap by the incompetent blaggard.

Not only that, I hear from cook that during his aforementioned trips to the food bank, instead of obtaining supplies of the common groceries necessary for concocting meals for those Below Stairs, he is, after obtaining the important Upstairs items, loading the rest of the dog cart with crates of brown ale for his own consumption.

You really couldn’t make it up.

Nominated by: Lady Chatterley

They just look fucking horrible. Too masculine, even if it’s a ‘cute’ tatoo.

It just puts me right off. One could imagine (but I would know nothing about such things) looking at a porn thumbnail and finding the lass attractive, only to find her covered in tattoos on the video itself. I could imagine your member would deflate quicker than the Zeppelin, but I would know nothing about such things.

Tattoos on women. Worse than genocide and men who like women covered in tats are probably secret ‘interior designers’.

Nominated by: Cuntybollocks

Ed Sheeran is a cunt.

How this substandard ginger fanny is seen as a singer/songwriter of repute is a mystery worthy of Mulder and Scully and Sherlock Holmes combined.

I heard one of Sheercunt’s pieces of audio excrement on the radio this morning. Some badly written drivel called ‘The Man’, with lyrics as crap as these: ‘I kind of knew you liked the dude from private school. He’s waiting for the time to move. I knew he had his eyes on you. He’s not the right guy for you. Don’t hate me cause I write the truth’.

Typical Sheercunt. A bog standard piss poor Leo Sayer impression, combined with pure cat sat on the mat and after all you’re my wonderwall bollocks. Once we had Dylan, Paul Simon, Tim Buckley and Donovan. And now we have this cunt. Another example of this ginger gremlin’s absolute shit is ‘Perfect’. With lyrics like ‘You between my arms. Barefoot on the grarse’.

For fuck’s sake. Who ever says ‘ you between my arms?’ It doesn’t even scan. Someone should tell the carrot cocked mong that it’s you ‘in’ my arms. As for rhyming the word arms with an elongated version of grass? Fuck me, primary school kids have done better than that. Even Oasis can outdo that shite.

And let’s not forget ‘She played the fiddle in an Irish band. But she fell in love with an English man’.

Sheercunt is fucking diabolical and he produces lowest common denominator shite.

Nominated by: Norman

…and this from Ron Knee

A tinged with grudging respect cunting for tuneless pop crooner Ed Sheeran.
Apparently he trousered no less than a cool £70 mill. last year, in spite of taking a break from recording.

Nice ‘work’ if you can get it; and this in spite of having no discernable talent whatsoever, and looking like the love child of Wurzel Gummidge and Aunt Sally.

Respec’.
The jammy cunt.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-9084077/Ed-Sheeran-earned-70-MILLION-year-despite-taking-break-music.html

I’m aware that a lot of you wholesome Cunters won’t have heard of this Bellend but believe me when I say Chapman is a Cunt Extraordinaire..a Cunt’s Cunt…dare I even compare him to The King of Cunts…James “FatGut” Corden?,,,,yes,yes I do.

Chapman is the betting “expert” on ITV Racing…the only thing that the loudmouth is actually an expert in is being a fucking Prick. He has blatantly ripped off the “John McCricick ( he was a wanker too…but at least he’s now a dead wanker) act”…this involves trying to make himself into a “character”. He does this by putting on a stupid voice while he screams his “controversial” views over the top of trainers and jockeys who know more about racing than this Cunt could learn (if he ever shut his fucking trap long enough to listen) in a thousand years…he knows better and in ChapmanWorld being a boorish Gobshite trumps experience
and knowledge.

Even his fellow commentators appear to detest the clown and appear to enjoy winding the dolt up and seeing him scream like a spoiled toddler.

* Chapman….I know you’re the type of arrogant Spunkbobble who’ll regularly “Google” his own name…I hope you read this before getting kicked in the bollocks by every owner,trainer,jockey,stable-lad,race-goer,betting-shop punter,television viewer and fucking racehorse in the Country. EVERYONE HATES YOU, CHAPMAN…FUCK OFF.

Nominated by: Dick Foxchaser-Fiddler

Bit of an unusual one here. Ufologists. Thanks to my Asperger suffering nephew, I’ve had to endure SIX fucking hours of documentaries that he’d recorded on the subject of UFO’s and aliens. Now, I do believe that there is intelligent life on other planets. It’s mathematically impossible (improbable surely? – NA) that Earth is the only inhabited planet. But I don’t believe for one second that other civilisations are coming here with the frequency that the fucknuts I’ve just had to watch reckon they are.

I certainly don’t believe that the US Air Force has hangars full of alien spacecraft that just happened to fall out of the sky. Are you seriously going to tell me that an advanced alien race can create something capable of crossing the vast depths of space, but can’t fly in a planetary atmosphere, especially when its raining? Seriously, to listen to some of these people, they are literally crashing all the time. Bollocks!

And then there are the tales of abductions and medical examinations. A scientist on one of these documentaries said that any civilisation capable of travelling from their world to ours would have to be at least a thousand years ahead of us technologically. If that’s the case, then surely they have the means of carrying out a medical exam from orbit? Or, maybe, aliens are just dicks.

Now we have the former head of Israeli Space Security, General Haim Eshed, claiming that a few decades ago, a ‘Galactic Federation’ contacted the US and Israeli governments and made a pact with them. They want to help us and give us at least some of their technology. But not yet. They want to remain hidden from the wider human populace, because we’re not ready. In that case, why bother contacting anyone on Earth? Oh yes, they also have a base on Mars. Eshed also claimed that they had to intervene, because Trump wanted to announce their existence to the world. And yet they did fuck all when Eshed did the same. Picky fuckers, this Federation, aren’t they?

Some of these potty fuckers have even formed a religion around UFO’s, how demented is that?

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw