A couple of years ago our fridge/freezer packed in. I cunted the fucker for all the inconvenience it caused us, not to mention the cost of buying a relacement. Well lo and behold, said replacement has duly gone on the fritz, springing an even bigger leak than its bastard predecessor. These days an amoeba has a longer life cycle.

Out came the engineer, and after some sucking in of breath and rubbing of chin, a professional opinion was proferred. ‘It’s fucked’ says he. ‘John Lewis can no longer supply a like-for-like replacement on this model, so call the warranty company, quote this reference, and you’ll get a full refund’.

And so it began. Ordeal by phone loop.
*brrrr…brrrr…*
‘Hi. Pleased be advised that your call may be recorded for training and security purposes. Details of our privacy policy can be found at burble blah… in order to connect you to the appropriate advisor, please select from one of the following six options burble blah…’.

*brrrr…brrr…*
‘Hi. Your call is important to us. All of our advisors are currently busy. Please hold, and we will connect you as soon as the next advisor is available…’.
*onset of cheesy music*. A minute or so passes…
‘Your call is important to us. All of our advisors…’.

And the loop of hell continues, along with your growing frustration and uncertainty. Do you hold, not knowing how long you might end up holding for, or do you hang up, knowing that you’ll only have to go through the whole piss-boiling cycle again later? I chose the former option, only to grow more angry with every fucking ‘your call is important to us…’.

So after 47 minutes of utter frustration, I finally got through to the most world-weary advisor I’ve ever heard. Time from the beginning of call to completion of the arrangement for refund; one hour one minute.

At least I was able to curb the urge to take my anger out on the poor sap at the other end of the line. It’s not his fault. For all I know, in fact he could have been the only ‘advisor’ working. The fault lies with the companies concerned; is it too much to ask that they might at least advise of average waiting time, or the caller’s place in the queue? Is it too much to ask that they could offer a call-back service at busy times? Apparently yes, it fucking well is.

Let’s face it; customer service is the last thing on the mind of most businesses out there. Their primary concern is the bottom line on the balance sheet, and customer service doesn’t bring in any lolly to add to the plus side. I don’t think they actually care for us at all in this respect.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they upped their game, and instead of telling us how important our call was to them, they started to fucking act as though it really was? ‘Your call is important to us’ my fucking arse.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

A cunting please for the dishonest anti-British lawyers, and the great ignorant left wing bastard citizens that prevented 33 African criminal cunts to be deported yesterday.

Only 4 of the old lags left. One of those smug, self satisifed lawyer bastards even twisted the knife by claiming it was wasting the tax-payers money.

Well, if it hadn’t been for him and his sort, we could have cleared out 37 pieces of criminal shit rather than just 4. Who are the stupid ignorant cunts who sign these petitions::

BBC News Link

Nominated by: W.C.Boggs

I often have to wait in a print shop for work to be done and have noticed that the walls are covered with “inspirational” slogans and “motivating” quotes that would drive me mad if I had to work there.

Here is a sample to illustrate the sheer crassness and banality of the “message” behind them: “Negative Thinking Banned Here”, “Live, Love and Laugh”, “Do Everything with Love, “Live Your Dream”, “Every Setback is an Opportunity”, “You Learn More from Failure than Success”, “Don´t Regret the Past – Learn from It”, “You Get the Best View After the Toughest Climb” and “Today´s Gonna be Fuckin´ Awesome”.

Is anybody really inspired or motivated by this kind of muddled mushy drivel?
Whatever happened to “You don´t have to be crazy to work here but it helps”? Presumably in today´s world of globalspeak and universal wokeness the word “crazy” would not be used in case it offended some nutcase, oops sorry poor misunderstood victim soul.

Nominated by: Mr Polly

Steven Gerrard and Aston Villa FC

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s sports correspondent Ron Knee, reporting to you from Villa Park, where I’m joined by Villa’s new man at the helm. Steven Gerrard, Stephano Gerraldo, Stevie G! Wa-hey!”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… calm down calm down. G’wed”.

“*ahum* yes. Tell us what you know about your new club Stevie!”.

“Eeeeeeeeeeee… yes, no… Villa Aston, famous ol’ club an’ dat. Dey’re boss, but pure antwacky like-ecch. Not wun nuttin’ in an ‘undred years like-ecch”.

“So what are your priorities?”.

“Me top priority’s ta get me piccy takun ‘oldun up de new shairt like-ecch, fer de rags an’ the telly an’ dat. Den I’ll get me trabs an’ trakkies on fer a kick about with the lads”.

“So what’s your initial impression of your new charges?”.

“Eeeeeeeeeee… great bunch of lads, but dey’s playin’ like a bunch of feckin’ meffs an’ fannies at de mo. It’s an absolute show, da big girls’ blouses. I excelled meself in the finer arts of de game, an’ need to learn ’em up pronto”.

“Oh, could you elaborate for our followers?”.

“Well, rollun about like-ecch yer’ve bin shot. Windun up de oppo, gobben off at de ref, spittin’, shairt tuggun. Den dare’s me own speciality, divun in de box”.

“You’ll also be looking to apply your movitational skills straight away, no doubt”.

“I’ll be kicken’ their feckin’ kecks la, like-ecch me arl fella used ta do ta me. Did me no ‘arm”.

“Now some Villa fans of a more cynical disposition are already charging that you see this appointment as a mere intermediary step before you inevitably make your way back to Merseyside”.

“Ya wha?”.

“You’ll be on your toes to Anfield first chance”.

“Eeeeeeee… daydodatdontdaydough. Feckin’ gobshites, de lorra”.

So what’s your message to the Villa faithful?”.

“Walk-ecch on walk-ecch on, with hope in your heart, an’ you’ll never walk-ecch ah-er lone, you’ll NEH-VERER walk-ecch ah-er lone”.
*beep beep* “Aye up la, dat’s me moby pager gowun off ta let me know me bacon butties are ready. I’m feckin’ starvun me, me belly thinks me throat’s bin cut. If I don’t get me scran soon, I’ll end up in the ozzy. See ya, tra”.

“Ah, well sadly, I never got to ask that most interesting of all questions; namely, why does a multi-millionaire insist on going about looking as though he’s had a three quid haircut at a side street barber’s in Govan? Anyway, good luck Steven, something tells me that you’re going to need it at Villa Park if history is anything to go by. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.

Sky News Link

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Welcome to Policing in 21st Century Britain…….

The police no longer respond to reports of shoplifting (too minor) ….
They comfort and assist Extinction Rebellion protesters blocking motorways & gluing themselves to the tarmac …
If you report a home burglary, they might come and see within a few days…
If you get murdered, they may possibly investigate ?
If you are a mixed race LGBTQZ couple and someone has posted a ‘tweet’ that hurt your feelings – we’ll be straight round….

Darrell Meekcom is dying ( aren’t we all? ) but Darrell is Terminally ill.
He made a bucket list and one of his wishes was to moon at a speed camera. He got the opportunity and seized it, baring his bottom….

20 minutes later, 3 police cars screeched up to his home and 6 police officers wrestled the over-weight 55 year old white man to the ground.

Am I alone in suspecting that a similarly aged efnik would have received a quiet word in his shell like ?

…need I say more ?

Sky News Link

Nominated by: Lord of the Rings

(I suppose when the incident was called in, the first question plod asked before getting off their fat arses was “Is he white or black?” followed by “Is he middle class or pleb?” And this is the result – Day Admin)