An emergency pre-emptive cunting for all the inevitable media coverage of the impending Royal Wedding bullshit – the endless fucking documentaries about the pair of them, the endless tabloid headlines gormlessly incorporating the phrase “A Right Royal”, the endless “What would Diana have thought?” opinion pieces by professional Royal rentagobs, and the endless quantities of wedding-themed tat which looks like it’s been designed specifically to adorn pikey caravans. How about a commemorative gold coin too? Yours for £99.99 and legal tender in Guernsey (worth a fiver). And wall-to-wall Nicholas Fucking Witchell too, intoning his pompous commentaries – “Invited they were, and come they did” – as though it’s the fucking death of Churchill and not simply the spare heir getting hitched to some yankee actress. The only people to benefit from this announcement are Theresa May and her shit show of cunts fucking up Brexit as the media lens won’t now be focused on their excruciating cuntitude on an hourly basis. I’m struggling to think of any positives about this – possibly the opportunity to see that hefty porcine daughter of Prince Andrew making “A Right Royal” cunt of herself in another of those daft hats?

Nominated by Fred West

Clareynce Arse has just announced that Prince Hairy is to marry Miss Marple-Merkel.

What a pair of twats. Months of arse-licking ahead from Al-Beeb’s specially-trained squadron of royal obsequials… Projectile vomiting seriously on the cards (and the ceiling, walls, and carpet…).

Victoria Derbyshire going stupidly gooey over the no-news this morning. Stlly cunt.

Sarah Lancashire is much,much hotter…

Nominated by HBelindaHubbard

I’m indifferent to the royals but what boils my piss is the news and the media wanking furiously over such things. ITV have just had an emergency news bulletin to confirm the Clarence House announcement.

A disgusting use of the news, imo. What the fuck is so urgently newsworthy about a ginger marrying a mulatto that warrants such a bulletin?

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

I nominate the engagement of that talentless Spam social climber Meghan fucking Markle and The Ginger Spawn of Hewitt (alleged ;)) for a cunting of Imperial magnitude. In fact, while we’re on topic here, can we also tar, feather and cunt the puppet mainstream media, for their sycophantic, relentless coverage of said ‘news’? If I have to endure one more gratuitous, simpering mention of this none event by simple Twatter mongs, the sheeple or grinning idiot, fuckwit presenters my TV is getting booted in! The force feeding has saturated the internet and snowflake media like the colossal load of ejaculate it actually is. There is no escape.

The favourable publicity brainwashing drive of The Establishment is in full force. Idiots getting all wild eyed, over stimulated and sentimental over the aristocracy and celebs, who in reality wouldn’t piss on these ‘plebs’ if they were on fire. This is after all, yet another exclusive event by and for the elitist ‘haves’, which will be paid for by their ‘have not’ subjects. The way the bovine, OK magazine addicted, bottom feeding morons were slavering about how ‘Diana would be sooo proud and approve’ is galling and sickening. These unthinking, Royal and celeb cunt struck, bum felchers were going on as if they were going to get invites as members of the family. Fucks sake, they HATE you all and think you are contemptible, tax paying, Civil List topping up CUNTS! Fucking wake up, realise this is of no benefit to the working or middle class and ask the real question: How much is this going to cost?

That smug silver spooned, entitled bastard, Media Whore Markle and their inbred posh cunt toadies are literally laughing all the way to the bank. Needless to say, this cunt will be booking a trip to darkest Peru ?? on the lead up to and actual, inevitable wedding. It’s the only way to escape the shitstorm.

Nominated by See You Next Tuesday

Jon Venables, one of two boys convicted of the murder of toddler James Bulger, has been returned to prison again after he was caught with kiddy porn for a SECOND time. I don’t know why they don’t just hang the cunt and save the taxpayer some cash.

Nominated by Fred West.

I hereby call for an extreme cunting for selfish owners of both cats and dogs.
I’ve just walked out of my drive to discover about 3lbs of shit right in the path the driver side wheels of my car will take in the morning. Fucking cunts! The dog is a cunt anyway but so is the owner.
I’m telling you, given the amount, the dog would have been squatting there shaking for about ten fucking minutes whilst the owner spent every one of those minutes planning to deliberately fucking leave it there.
If I knew who it was I would smear it over their front door handle, letterbox, bin handles, gate handle, front doormat, car door handle, freshly delivered milk, you name it.
What the holy flying fuck is wrong with these people?
And as for cat owners, well, CUNTS. They dont even walk around with the animal even pretending like they are going to pick up the shit.
AND! The law is on their side! You can’t do anything about it without the PC brigade rolling out in force and prosecuting your ass. What the fuck?
There is no recourse through animal control. There is no recourse through the law. There is no recourse through polite conversation and request. When you’ve exhausted all options, do you know what the official line is? Adopt the cunting thing and pay for it to be nuetered!
Any other less fluffy animal what be classed legally as vermin, but not those cutey kitties.
Bastards.
Killing all the birds. Digging holes everywhere. Pissing and shitting all over everything. Keeping us all awake all night with that wierd orgy chorus of theirs.
FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
Of course, pet owners say that they are animals and its natural and what can anyone do?
Well, at the very least if they’re so fucking lovely then keep them indoors 24hours a day so you don’t miss a thing. And learn how much fun it is to live with their shit and piss.
And if you’re feeling generous, do us all a favour and get them euthanized.
Bastard cunts.

Nominated by Cuntflap

For some sordid and perverse reason whenever I use me browser YT is inundated with ads featuring the Eton Arse Boy above flogging poorly cut and made cheap tat retro clobber. Never knowingly done anything to attract such attention and cannot stop it happening despite installing latest ad blockers and ticking every opt oit box I can find. Bastard.

Been plunged into an orchid scented poof’s pansy paradise straight oit orf some cunt Merchant Ivory fillum, A Room With a View ect ect) where Sebastian is forever mooning over Jasper’s bum. This camp cunt above giving it the old come on is the archetypal Eton/Cambridge twisted tosser, its armpits and arse exuding delicate whiffs orf gardenia and musk. Take it up the arse my son, you’ll soon feel a lot better.
CLOSING CREDITS.

Noninated by Sir Limply Stoke

In light of the passing of Rodney Bewes, I would like to nominate obituaries for a severe cunting on this esteemed website. Not Bewes but the people who wrote the gushing and over-the-top tributes that have been all over the media.

I’m too young to remember The Likely Lads but I know my parents liked it. However, the last series ended in 1974 and the TV fillum was in 1975. The last time I recall seeing Bewes on the telly was in a bit-part opposite Peter Davison’s Dr Who. Far from being a ‘legend’ Bewes was clearly a has-been living on decades-old kudos and a feud with his old co-star. A bloke I used to work with in the early 90s said he had worked in the theatre and Bewes was a hopeless alky who they had to drag out of the pub in time for performances. I’m sure Sir Limply will be able to confirm or deny this story.

But no-one good dies anymore. Everyone is a ‘legend’ or ‘one of a kind.’ Look at the outpouring of grief about Prince and David Bowie last year. Both great musicians but both Prince hadn’t had a hit in yonks and Bowie’s last number was in 1983. Again, I’m not cunting either Prince or Bowie but the completely over-the-top reaction to their deaths in the media. I’m going to Mars when Queenie finally croaks.

How about getting a sense of fucking perspective? Yes, you can be sad when someone whose acting or music you liked dies but you didn’t know them and their passing will be zero impact on your life.

Nominated by Norman