I crave indulgence from my fellow cunters, but today is my sister’s 77th birthday and I need to get this off my chest.

How the fucker has lasted this long is frankly beyond me. She is without a doubt one of the most truly evil people I have ever met. Her very existence is based around thinking “Who can I fuck up next?” She could give lessons to ISIS on being a cunt.

I not seen her since my mother’s funeral over 30 years ago. I even moved house twice without telling her where I live. While my mother was lying on her death bed, she was clearing out the house of her stuff. She persuaded my mother – not in the best mental health – to change her will to cut me out of it and then tried to persuade me to break my late father’s trust fund to get her hands on that as well.

She is so fucking evil that her husband committed suicide rather than live with her. Really. I can understand that. If I had to live with her, I’d kill myself.

At the age of 77 she is living proof that only the good die young.

Guess what, sis? You’re a cunt – and a fucking evil cunt to boot…

Nominated by Dioclese

Does your shit stink?

Then you need “Vipoo”!

A product dreamt up in the land of snowflakes! What you do – just before you’re about to evacuate your bowel – is give a few sprays into the toilet basin, cut one off and YOUR pongy aroma cannot escape, instead YOU leave a nice flowery smell for the next person to make stool on that particular throne.

(As advertised on mainstream TV – I shit you not, pun intended.)

Please note the perfectly formed donut shaped turds and therefore I can only assume are sponsored by Krispy Kreme Donuts (probably taste the same anyway).

The main issue with this product is that YOU fork out a fiver for OTHER people’s benefit!

Socially considerate as that may be, I would think it much more beneficial to have a product that nullifies the rancourous and noxious odour of the filthy cunts leaving a Guinness fuelled “Red October” in the pan 1st thing on a Monday morning at work which takes the whole day to set sail into the depths of the local sewer system!

Also, how is this product going to help when the rumblings downstairs are courtesy of a nice Vindaloo producing little solid matter in a flock of sparrows arrangement?

If I am subjected to stenches that would gag a maggot on a daily basis then I think it only fair that I inflict the same reward on my colleagues who can bask in it for all I care!

A perfectly pointless product for the most pointless folk in society: Generation Snowflake!

Nominated by Rebel without a Cunt!

Bitcoin is an annoying pile of cuntery, isn’t it.

I’m tired of reading about this flash-in-the-pan tedium. Rapacious nerds salivating over endless growth, constantly talking up this ‘phenomenon’ whilst normal people continue their life using money they’ve actually earnt. What in fuckery is wrong with people and their imaginary money? I’m tired of reading about this bollocks as if it’s doing something important or saving humanity.

Oh, Bitcoin gave you 1000% interest this year, did it? I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck about your untrustworthy scam or imaginary millions. Go away.

No, I don’t want to buy an overpriced rice crispies & Kale burger with Bitcoin. You’re a cunt.

No, I don’t want to have my beard trimmed and oiled and pay with Bitcoin at your pop-up Moustache-waxing hairdresser. You’re a cunt.

I neither wish to participate in this trendy fraud nor listen to wealthy, sanctimonious, ecology hipsters boring me to death about it. Just Shit Off!

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

I’d like to cunt Barista’s and the cunts that employ them who appear to instil in them a sense of moral superiority.

Foooooking cunts, I dislike many many aspects of modern life but I reserve a special hatred for those hypster type coffee serving cunts.

When in the fuck did becoming a cunt that served you a brew give you licence to look down your fucking nose at the person paying £3 for a bit of hot water and a few ground up coffee beans?

Oh and whilst I’m at it just because you’ve got a fucking stupid beard and some torture device in your ear lobe it doesn’t make you trendy, it merely confirms you’re a failure that dropped out of Sociology at the start of your second year.

Get fucking fucked you cunts.

‘like yah, can I just write your name like on this cup ya know so I can shout you out when it’s ready, ya know’

‘Sure it’s CuntyMcCuntface with a capital C’.

Cunt

Nominated by Cunty McCuntface

I know this is old ground but it really winds me up. This country ships about 13 billion a year abroad in foreign aid. We’re legally obliged to do it because Cameron enshrined it in law (so that Cleggy would keep him in number 10).

On the news this morning one of the main stories was about the NHS considering cancelling non urgent operations for a month because it’s creaking under the strain. Of course this has nothing to do with 300,000 + immigrants coming into the country every year. We have a housing / homeless crisis and numerous other social problems. We are cutting our armed forces continually and are now in a worrying situation re: defence. A lot of the homeless are ex services. Where’s the support ?

The politicians in this country seem to be more interested in helping foreigners than their own people. I called into the supermarket yesterday. In front of me at the checkout were a smartly dressed couple of the peaceful persuasion ; they had a trolley full of stuff which came to seventy odd quid. The woman whips out a wad of vouchers (now this supermarket doesn’t have a voucher scheme), so I can only assume that they were issued by some government department.

Anyway, checkout girl runs the voucher barcodes through the system and off they toddle happy as Larry. I pondered briefly to consider how hard I have to work for my money and lo and behold my piss doth reach boiling point faster than a jetboil kettle.

This country is in deep shit and if things don’t change very soon the consequences will be dire in the extreme. Any politician calling at my door canvassing for votes will be asked if they are committed to abolishing foreign aid and stopping immigration apart from people who are needed in critical areas. If they answer no they will be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

As an aside, the local labour party dropped a Christmas card through our letterbox. It was the 31st of December. Can’t even deliver a Christmas card on time, the cunts.

Nominated by Jack The Cunter