Christ on a fucking bike will nobody rid me of these fucking meerkats???

I have now reached screaming pirch and am in genuine danger of smashing the TV screen when this fucking advert comes on. Bad enough when some fucking dickwit thought up compare the fucking meerkat. Worse that they ring it to death. But now they give us Auto-fucking-Sergei.

Let’s be objective for a moment. Comparison sites push the companies that pay them for click through. Then they push the companies that pay them for advertising.

When you get through all that shit, remember that the prices they quote are “indicative quotes only” so when you actually get the price, it’s inevitably different.

So – bearing all that in mind – would you seriously let this piece of crap do your switching for you using your money? Do you really think you’ll be able to get the best deal? If you do then you’re fucking soft in the head!

I reckon it’s time for, some fresh approach to meerkat advertising . After all, they must be running out of ideas. So how about…

Life insurance : Watching meerkats boiled alive in oil
Car insurance : Driving a car full of meerkats over a cliff and being smashed to bits
Home insurance : A house full of meerkats burned alive

Or best of all, travel insurance : A plane load of meerkats crashing into the Compare the Market headquarters with no survivors.

I’d pay money to watch those…

Nominated by Dioclese

LORDS AND LADIES:

Words fail me – the greedy fat elderly piss-stained fuckwits who sit in the House of Lords are “demanding” to receive their £323 a day “attendance” allowances for sitting on their shit encrusted arses in their own homes, instead of attending the private public urinal they normally squatin at Westminster:

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2020/04/17/peers-demand-323-daily-allowance-log-virtual-parliamentary-proceedings/

Considering the fucking nuisance most of these bastards made of themselves during the Brexit debates, I would suggest they are told to either “contribute” at home free, or just shut the fuck up. They need to be reminded that they can’t take it with them when they go – it would probably melt.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

Peers of the realm are due a nomination. With the times we’re living in, most people have either been furloughed or outright lost their jobs completely. Peers are in the fortunate position of not having to worry about this sort ‘ordinary’ person sort of thing by virtue of the fact they’ve been getting overly generous salaries, courtesy of the British taxpayers for years, sometimes even decades. They have enough in the bank to ensure that they don’t have any financial worries.

Now that parliament is closed, they’ve accepted that things have changed and that they won’t be able to live in the manner to which they had become accustomed, i.e. dining in one of the Lords subsidised bars, clocking in in the morning and then fucking off during the day just to pick up their daily allowance. That kind of freeloading has come to a temporary end. Well, the dining has anyway. It seems a number of our unelected officials have been demanding they start receiving their £323 TAX FREE daily allowance when they attend the virtual parliament that will shortly be opening. I need to stress that this is only a minority. Surprisingly, most of them seem to have realised that taking a large tax free payment for sitting at home in front of a laptop to conduct parliamentary business would send out the wrong message to us peasants.

Unfortunately, some of these cunts have decided that having to actually do what they were put in the Lords through cronyism to do for a change means they’re entitled to pocket our money. I disagree. These are the kind of twats who, as I said, turn up in the morning, clock in to ensure they get their daily allowance, and then leave the Lords to spend the day…doing whatever lazy bastard Lords do when they’re not earning the money they just effectively stole from taxpayers. What are they going to do? Refuse to appear via Zoom? Then kick them out. It’s that simple.

I’ve just done some quick sums. £323 per day for five days comes to £1615 per week. That’s £19,380 per year. Then of course there’s the expenses and other…err…’perks’ of being an unelected member of the upper chamber of parliament. Not a bad screw, especially since that minority don’t actually do anything to earn it.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

Speakerphone using CUNTS

People who use the speaker on their phones in public spaces are cunts. Using the loud speaker instead of holding the phone to your head like a normal person, or getting a hands-free, when in public, betrays a basic lack of common decency.

There are very few conversations I want to hear that I am not part of and even half of those are a waste time. Being subjected to half a conversation while someone yaks away about whatever inane bollocks is bad enough -but putting it on speaker so I and any anyone else within range has to be subjected to full banality of both sides of the exchange is offensive. Don’t get me started on Facetime in public.

Same goes for those twats who go around playing music from their speakerphones. Buy some fucking headphones moron! You could be playing the most beautiful music ever written but no one would know it because from a mobile phone speaker, out in the open, it all sounds tinny and shit.. it’s just fucking noise.

To conclude, people who use speaker phone in public are cunts. If they don’t understand why -they’re STUPID CUNTS!

Nominated by The Recuntable Dr. Pig

‘Opinions are like assholes’, said everybody’s favourite hardnose ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan; ‘everybody has one, but they think each other’s stink’. You said it Harry, and boy, has the Coronavirus emergency proved your point.

Since the government’s first daily briefing, senior figures and their top medical advisors have gone to great lengths to explain the strategy underlying the response to Covid-19.

Still, this hasn’t prevented a huge number of trumpeter’s lips from pursing and farting out an opinion, most of them probably ill-informed, many of them politically motivated. The government hasn’t done this but should have, it’s done this and shouldn’t have. This was done too early, this was done too late. Suddenly there are armchair experts everywhere.

Take columnist Peter Hitchens, who’s gone on record as stating that the approach to tackling C-19 is disproportionate to the threat it presents, and endangers civil liberties. ‘Anyone not angry at the lockdown has something wrong with them’, he pontificates. Well maybe so Hitch, but tell that to families devastated by the loss of a loved one.

Take commentator Tom Harwood. When asked what his credentials were to opine about the pandemic on Sky News, Harwood responded ‘BA (Hons) Politics, Durham’. A leading light in the field, then.

Then there are the outright gobshites. Ex-footy thug and jailbird Joey Barton springs to mind. Quoted in bogroll substitute ‘The Independent’, Joey the Jerk slammed the government for its ‘horrendous leadership’ during the crisis. ‘We needed strong governance and got a bunch of space cadets from Eton’, burbled the Scouse shitehouse. ‘Well it’s great to get a view from one of the world’s leading epidemiologists’, said absolutely nobody anywhere.

Naturally circumstances are ideal for axe-grinders to weigh in. How about Julie Heselwood, a Labour (never!) councillor from Leeds? This halfwit claimed that the PM’s stay in ICU was a con, a stunt designed to ‘change the narrative’ and deflect criticism away from the government’s handling of the crisis. Not so much an expert as a loony lefty then. What about… oh well, you’ll have gotten the idea, I’m sure…

Hands up if you’re sick of all the verbal diarrhoea being spewed forth by individuals who probably know as much as I do about how to tackle C-19, which is to say practically fuck all. In an ideal world, where resources are unlimited and Mystic Meg provides the authorities with unfailingly accurate predictions, the UK would be perfectly placed to deal with the epidemic.

But we don’t live in an ideal world. C-19 is novel, and struck with the speed and power of a hurricane. In a situation that is so fluid and dynamic, it’s inevitable that mistakes and misjudgements will be made. Professor Graham Medley of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine hit the nail on the head for me when he recently stated that ‘anyone who tells you that he knows what’s going to happen in the next six months is wrong’. So I’d say that in the circumstances, the government has played the best hand that it could in managing the hellish task of balancing the threat to life with the imperative of allowing life to go on.

Never mind though, there’s always some mouthy cunt who knows better ready to go on the telly or vent his spleen on the keyboard, as often as not with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. Well, here’s a thought for all the know-alls out there.

Experts aren’t always right, and governments can abuse trust, but in this sort of emergency, they’re MUCH more likely to get things right than you. Epidemiology is a serious business, so is government in a crisis, so let the people who do these things for a living get on with their jobs and stop nipping their heads all day.

Most of all, stop looking for someone to blame for every setback. Do that, and you’re much less likely to end up looking and sounding like the man in the pub.

Nominated by Ron Knee

EMERGENCY CUNTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BBC News reports that – I cannot FUCKING BELIEVE THIS – a flight containing 150 Romanians is coming into Stansted on Thursday, completely ignoring our own Government’s State imposed imprisonment of us!
This is the first of SIX flights coming in between Thursday and the end of June – DEFRA state (direct quote) “It is encouraging people across the UK to bring the harvest in”. News for you mate – we have Millions of people who have lost their jobs in the last Month and just to have one final laugh and rub our noses in it our own Government is breaking the lockdown, against all medical advice, to bring yet more Foreign labour in!
WHY DO WE GET IMPRISONED AND TORTURED WHEN OUR OWN F*CKING GOVERNMENT IS DOING THIS?
I have now genuinely lost my f*cking shit.
Insanity.

Nominated by Vernon Fox