Amazon,
Well Amizon is due so many nominations on so many levels.
I understand the concept of second sales and retail, but fuck do they do some strange shit.
As the cunt mobile is up on bricks (Like me) I thought fuck it, a simple service, plugs oils and filters seeing as we are both doing fuck all.
Now Amazon has a “My car” setting where you tell the fucker exactly what your car is, (engine type, model, manufacture) and all well and good an array of service kits should appear, take my pick buy now option and all done.
Does it fuck, it offered me a non existent unpriced service kit, and one for a ford fiesta, lots of bulbs, a few steering wheel covers and some other non related shit.
So why the fuck? I have bothered to give them exacting information as to type of vehicle and it offers me toss, I am fully aware that even engines accross brands can use similar components, but there is no way the filter kit for 1.1 fiesta is going to fit the 2.4l cunt mobile, arse.
Now knowing amazon, it is going to start sending me those shit e-mails.
Dear Cunt, you recently browsed coffins, we were wondering if you would be interested in these?
No fuck off I bought a coffin, what do I want another one for (Coffin was proberly not the best thought of example in these current times)
Why the fuck do they do this? apart from that it is ok.

Nominated by lord benny

A beef-curtain cunting for that detestable lezzer, Miriam Margolyes, who recently blurted out on ‘The Last Leg’ (whatever the fuck that is) that she wished death upon Boris when he contracted Coronavirus – but then had the cheek to back-track her statement so doesn’t look like “the sort of person that wants people to die”. Not that this matters, particularly – liberals have a long and colourful history of wanting those to do not conform to their deranged way of thinking to perish, or to suffer in some unimaginable way.

This rug-munching, spherical rent-a-gob is renowned for her deranged, left-leaning stance and is no stranger to sticking her nose into other peoples’ political beliefs – like the time she had the audacity to ask countless Americans who they were going to vote for during the run-up to the last election, and if they said Trump, she would pounce and berate them instantly.

This comment has undoubtably won her an army of new fans, probably consisting of the usual suspects, Labour mouthpieces, fellow dykes, “empowered” wimmin, unwashed students and middle class wankstains.

If she isn’t in favour of our PM and his party, she can pack her shit and fuck off to Australia (as she holds duel citizenship), so she can be right where she wants to be – deep in the bush.

Nominated by Lord Cuntony

Miriam Margoyles is a cunt isn’t it?, this hook nosed harpy has said that she wished that Boris had died of Coronavirus, I’m not a particular a fan of the duplicitous cretin that is Boris but I wouldn’t wish death upon him either, it seems to me this rug munching creature is so blinded by her hatred of anyone who is not okay or supportive of her views and deviences, deserves an excruciating death, also she’s made a career of being a ‘professional Joo’ such as on Stanley Baxters Christmas box, to name just one of many, also playing a fucking sheep on the film Babe, so all I can say to Miriam is “Baa fuck you”!!!

Nominated by Captain Quimson

Miriam Margolyes
A ‘learn when to keep your trap shut’ cunting for fat twat Remoaner and Labour luvvy Miriam Gargoyle.
Over the years Gargoyle has been at pains to establish herself as a character; an English eccentric and a bit of a raconteur. Viewers of the Graham o’ Norton chat show circuit will be familiar with her twinkly-eyed, ‘ooh aren’t I awful’ line of artful, knowing patter. Though obviously contrived, it was a mildly amusing routine once upon a time, but repetition quickly reduced it to being merely tiresome.
Of late the not-so-lovely Miriam has also established herself as an equally unamusing, tubby little hypocrite. She’s announced to (you’ve guessed it) ‘The Groaniad’ that she’s ‘not happy in England. There’s so much hatred, and that’s because of Brexit’. So much hatred? And this from the gobshite who recently said that she ‘wanted him to die’ while Boris Johnson was in intensive care fighting to stay alive. Irony is obviously not Gargoyle’s strong suit.
Well I can see a couple of options for you then, you charmless wally. Firstly, you could fuck off to Australia, where you hold citizenship, hopefully never to darken our doorstep again. Or you can stay on in your swanky London (of course) home, living your champagne socialist lifestyle, and setting yourself up as a target for the rest of us to rip the piss out of. Either way, you’re a first class cunt.

Nominated by Ron Knee

SIMON CALDER:

An Around-The-World-In-80-Days, No-spitting-on-the-upper-deck,leave-the-lavatory-as-you-would-wish-to-find-it-lift-the-seat and don’t-use-it-when-standing-at-the-station cunting please, for The “Independent” (sic) Newspaper’s Travel correpondent, and one of Wireless 4’s most favoured sons, teh prissy, purse-lipped-four eyedold woman. There is old Auntie Calder on the midday news, there he is again on You & Yours, yet again on Money Box and any time day or night when the talk turns, however vaguely, to travel (and who is travelling at the moment, apart from rubber boat fetishists?), on news programmes – you name it, there is the fey Mr C. holding forth.

Surely it is time that Calder, or the BBC itself, started training up an apprentice for when dear old Simon trades in his travel pass for his golden slippers.

Why does the BBC think only Calder is qualified to comment on travel matters and more importantly, why is Calder so vainglorious or greedy enough, to think he can take all the gigs?.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

UK Gun Law Dissenters

Along with the disingenuous art of Trump bashing, British liberals seem infatuated with America’s attitude to guns. Why? Unless you are travelling to Florida for a tacky holiday, US gun related murder rates don’t affect us?

This ingrained desire to proffer unsolicited opinion and social commentary must harp back to when our Empire equated to a quarter of the globe.

If we examine homicide in general, the United States, globally speaking, isn’t that bad. Although I concede, that Mexico experiences firearms ingress via the border due to less rigorous rules in the USA and stricter rules in Mexico. We must also concede that I don’t give a shit about Mexico either!

The worst country in the world for homicide rates is El Salvador. Followed by Jamaica and Venezuela. The US doesn’t appear in the top ten, twenty or even top fifty. Russia, Nigeria and even fucking Greenland are higher up the rankings of United Nations list (UNODC). Greenland? Stewed Whales’ bollocks can raise anger levels for sure.

USA ranked eighty ninth.

“But …but…they have the 2nd amendment, the ‘right to bear arms’ which was written at a time of muskets not like guns nowadays”. Would I be comfortable with some drunken, redneck neighbour, sobbing in his yard with an M15 assault rifle, after his wife has run off with his best mate? No! Then again, I don’t live in the States and therefore, don’t give a shit!
United Kingdom is 175th in the table. Great stuff. Well done everyone!

Perhaps liberal ‘do gooders’ in our relatively safe country could start thinking and commentating on subjects closer to home. Inner city knife crime, county lines drugs gangs, future of dementia care for the elderly. Issues that we should give a shit about.

Personally, I am more concerned with the Seychelles, ranked 32nd and have started a funding page to enable me to undertake a two month, ‘boots on the ground’ forensic review, as to reasons why this archipelago of islands in the Indian Ocean ranks so high. CUNTS!

Nominated by Daz

Warm weather and chavs. A cuntish combination.

Went out up the road for a box of eggs for the old lady yesterday. An admittedly glorious day weather wise. However, as I was walking back from the local Co-Op, a smear of quintessential Great British riff raff were blocking the entire pavement. Totally disregarding the distancing rules, there were about five women: all ugly fucks in Primark sun tops with lobster tans (think Viz’s Fat Slags). They were all gossiping and I couldn’t even walk on the grass verge next to the pavement, as some fat bloke was sat in the middle of it talking very loudly to the fat slags. The middle of a street in a suburban area during a medical lockdown, and they were acting like they were on an outing to Blackpool. I crossed the road and called them out for what they are. Which is living breathing shit and utter vermin. ‘It’s a free country’ shouted the fat cunt on the grass. ‘Aye. And it will also be dead one because of cunts like you!’ was my reply.

Nominated by Norman

Dying to go to the beach? Well, judging by the cunts out and about on the British coastline yesterday, lots of people are. A bit of sun and what little brains the great British people have left is parked safely at home while we swan off to the coast for a Coronavirus cocktail and a Covid and chips.

10 long weeks we’ve been in lockdown (Kinnock and Cummings notwithstanding) and what was it all for? So that when there is a glimpse of sunlight we can pack ourselves on the beach and fuck social distancing. It’s an insult to all us old people who, as far as I can see, seem to be the one that stick to the rules so that we can avoid …er… dying.

What a bunch of twats. Sit back now and what the infection rate soar. and then just as hit starts to peak again, let’s open up all the shops.

Proof positive, if any were needed, that this country is being run by and is populated by idiots. You can’t educate pork and you can’t herd cats…

Nominated by Dioclese