The DVLA are due are a cunting for being a bunch of time incompetent, bureaucratic, time wasting, no point to there fucking existence cunts. Alright, I’m partly responsible, for not having done it when I should have. But I’ve been busy, really busy. So, I’ve been the owner/occupier of McGraw Castle for three or four years now, and I’ll admit, I forgot to update my driving licence with the correct address. I finally got round to it, and decided that since technology is, allegedly, my friend, I thought I’d be all 21st Century and do it online. SIX fucking times I tried. Each time, I got to the end and was greeted by the message that the session had timed out, because I had been inactive for more than twenty minutes. That’s bollocks, because each attempt took me no longer than five minutes. Anyway, after the last attempt, my tablet was in serious danger of starting a new job as a satellite, so I decided to phone the DVLA. BIG…FUCKING…MISTAKE. As with all government/company phonelines these days, it’s a computerised, multiple choice, press 1 for this shite service, press two for that shite service, press three to go fuck yourself, load of bollocks. I listened to options, I pressed one, then I pressed three, then I pressed two, then I pressed three again, then I pressed one again, then I was told that I couldn’t change my address over the phone, it had to be done either online or by post.

To quote Samuel L Jackson, “MOTHERFUCKERS”!!! Why the fuck didn’t the computerised voice just tell me at the start that I couldn’t do it over the phone, instead of letting me waste time sitting there, pushing one, two, three, two, one? Is there even anyone at the DVLA? And if so, what the fuck do they do all day, apart from feeling self-important? WHY can’t you do it over the phone? I’m only changing address, if they need a new photo, I can happily send them one through the post, (then again, at no point during my online attempts did mention a photo. So I see no reason why doing it over the phone is so difficult). But no, they’ve chosen the path of cuntery, and won’t let you do something as simple as that, and since their online ‘service’ is equally cuntish, the only option now is by mail. The only comfort I can draw from this, is that I know they hate getting things through the mail.

DVLA, you bunch of cunts.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

Songs and Music I Never Want to Hear Again

I would like to cuntify certain pieces of music and songs that I NEVER want to hear again in my life. This list is not exhaustive but features some of the most irritating pieces of music ever created. I have heard them so much that I want to scream when they surface anywhere near my ears.

“Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”, “The Four Seasons”, “Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis”, “Enigma Variations”, “Water Music”, “Brandenburg Concertos”, “Concerto de Aranjuez”, “GYmnopedies”, “Moonlight Sonata” and “Bolero”.

“Yesterday”, “Satisfaction”, “Every Step You Take”, “The Girl from Ipanema”, “Windmills of Your Mind”, “With a Little Help from My Friends” (Joe Cocker version), “Baby Can I Hold You”, “Lady in Red”, “The Final Countdown”, “American Pie”, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”, “New York, New York”, “Begin the Beguine”, “Annie´s Song”, “God Save the Queen”, “The Internationale” , “Happy Birthday to You”, “You´ll Never Walk Alone” and “Auld Lang Syne”.

That´s all for now folks.

Nominated by Mr Polly

Theresa May is in need of an urgent cunting. So, having spent the past three years being a lying cunt, and less use than a severed testicle, May now intends to ask the EU for permission to extend the deadline for our leaving that shower of shite to June 30th. Now, I have to admit, that as well as all the other reasons for nominating her, I have a personal one. June 30th is my birthday, and I don’t want May, or the rest of those EU cock sucking traitors ruining it with their lies, their treachery, their deceit, or even the fact that they fucking exist.

The official date for the UK leaving the EU is the 31st March 2019. But as that date draws nearer, EVERY pro-EU cuck is panicking, Bercow especially, and doing everything they can to stop it happening. Especially May. After Cameron spat his dummy out, I said that May was the worst possible choice to replace him. Since day one, she has done nothing but lie to the British people and capitulate to the EU. “Brexit means Brexit”. “No deal is better than a bad deal”. “I will be a bloody difficult woman in the EU negotiations”. She even lied to her cabinet, telling them that she would not call a general election, then called a general election when the arrogant bitch didn’t even NEED to. Now she’s come up with Brexit plan that is so bad, it’s actually worse than staying in the EU. All while allowing those traitors in the Commons to have meaningful vote after meaningful vote to destroy Brexit. The problem they have, is that there was only ONE meaningful vote, on the 23rd of June 2016. THAT is only the meaningful vote. Because that was the vote in which we gave the British government a mandate to leave the European Union.

I’ve also been saying for months that May has to go. Well after the disgrace of the past couple of weeks, she DEFINITELY needs to go, and go soon. May has turned the UK into a laughing stock and enough is enough. Today (21st March) she’s actually had the gall to tell the British people that she’s on our side. Another lie. If she were on our side, we’d have been out of the EU months ago. Look how she handled the malicious midget, Bercow, after his disgraceful show of contempt for democracy and the British people earlier this week. She’s done NOTHING. Can you imagine Thatcher allowing that evil little shit to get away with doing what he did? She would have nailed his balls to the gates of Downing Street, with him still attached to them and hanging upside down.

It’s a sign of how weak that bitch is that parliament is in such crisis. The Tories have to find a spine and kick that piece of shit out on her arse, soon.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

Carole Malone

This fat, self-inflated windbag, who has no interest in anyone else’s opinion but her own, seems to be infecting my tv screen all to often.
A ‘columnist’ for some shitty tabloid rag; who the hell this self-important rug muncher is, and why anyone would have the slightest fucking interest in her opinion on any subject, is quite simply, baffling.
I’d put her on board the same moth eaten boat as Schofield, Willoughby, ‘Mrs’ Brown, Claire Balding, Sue Barker, Alan Carr and all the other useless cunts (who’s names for the moment elude me) – sail it into the Atlantic with a Khazakstan flag, and let the Russian navy use it for target practice.
What a stain of a cunt she is.

Nominated by Lord of the Rings

A severe cunting and a blast with a hose, with a good dousing of industrial soap, for cunts that refuse to bathe.

You go to your local store to see the same cunt waddling by who wears the same clothes every day reeking of stale BO and the scent of his/her unwashed balls/snatch sending the dogs nearby into a frenzy.

The closer the proximity to these filthy cunts, the fucking worse it is. I have to share an elevator at work with a sweating fat bastard whose peculiar odor haunts the elevator long after he leaves. He knows he’s a filthy fuck, everyone knows. You only have to look at the sweat pouring out of his shirt for everyone to know. People have suggested he get his act together, get washed and groomed. People like myself have even told him to his face he smells of shit and the unrepentant cunt squeals to HR about being discriminated at work. Now we have some fruitcake lecturing us to be kind and understanding to everyone at work.

It boils my piss. I’d drown them all by the lake but that would only kill the local wildlife.

Nominated by Cuntflappage