I would like to cunt checkatrade.com. These are the adverts you see that make you think you are hiring an honest, quality tradesman to do a job for you, so you are safe in the knowledge you will have a professional job done and won’t be ripped off. Now it turns out anyone can buy into this website, fake their on reviews along with the likes of bookmygarage.com and all those other bollocks websites promising a good job by honest people at a fair price; it’s all bollocks and I will explain why.

Yesterday I get cut up by a van for a company that does driveways and is an affiliate of checkatrade .com. I’m on my way to get petrol so pull in behind said van to fuel up. Out of this van get two pikeys, at first I thought they have nicked the van as you do with pikeys. I thought I would Google the company and sure enough the address is a gypsy camp, so it’s their van, third business and these cunts are on checkatrade.com. Fucking hell, thinks I. That’s taking the cat to the pigeons is it not, so I’m sure the pikey cunts do a great job, that is too quality for an honest day’s pay….yeah right. What it actually means is checkatrade and all those other bollocks websites, that make you think you will get a good, honest job done, either don’t check out the company, or if they pay, any fucker can join up and the best bit is you will be inviting criminals into your house.

Fucking excellent…

Nominated by Fuglyucker

Obviously created by people who have never actually been on a plane in their lives.

They’ve never had the hassle of getting to the airport hours before the flights, queuing to get through security, taking off your shoes and belt, immigration and customs, which in some places literally takes hours, being fleeced by the cafes and restaurants in the departure area, logging on beforehand to try and get a seat beside your dearest so you can at least hold hands when the plane crashes. Ryanair, for example, deliberately separates couples so they can charge them for the pleasure of being squeezed together on seats that have as much space as a lavatory seat. “Food” that pigs would refuse and fellow passengers who are so uncouth they would have been thrown off galley slaves or Viking longboats. Don´t even think about the cramped stinking toilets where you bang your head trying to wipe your arse after voiding you bowels of the in-flight dysentery, i.e. “meal”.

Yet look at the adverts. Everyone has empty seats on either side, are relaxed because the weather is great, no turbulence or crying babies and they are surrounded by a harem of stewardesses wearing nothing underneath their uniforms who are just waiting to introduce them to the pleasures of the four-mile high club.

Nominated by Mr Polly

This gathering of cunts does not represent the people who elected it. 400 Leave constituencies would be a landslide under voting protocols but the reverse is true.
They voted for a referendum
They voted for Article 50
The main parties had Leaving the EU in their manifestos
They voted out May’s deal three times.
They seem to have made No-deal illegal, thus scuppering any chance of negotiation.
They don’t want an election despite Magic Grandpa calling for one constantly.
They wont table no confidence as they don’t want an election even though there is now no majority government.
They have used the sainted Jo Cox as some sort of symbol to tar Johnson.
The Speaker is entirely biased against Brexit.

400 or so MPs have lined up with the Establishment, the City, Academia and diverse vested interests to deny the referendum result. They don’t want a deal… they want to stay in the EU.

There were terms for parliaments in days gone by – Long, short, Addled etc, but this is the Traitorous Parliament.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

A minor cunting for my doctor, his technique and grammar.

I seem to have developed a Baker’s cyst in my knee joint…its rather sore to say the least, so I went to see the trusty doc to find out whats what. He examined my knee and put his thumb into the back of the joint and pushed in.

He asked “Does it hurt when you do this?” I think what he meant was “Does it hurt when I do this?” because no sane person would jab their thumb onto a painful cyst, so no, it doesn’t hurt when I do that because I WOULDN’T DO THAT.

You would have to be some kind of deranged masochist to consider doing that to yourself.

Nominated by lord benny

I would like to nominate the delivery company DPD.

Now, you would think that the delivery of parcels would be a fairly simple and straight forward business, one that it’s hard to mess up. Unfortunately, in my bitter experience, DPD seem to be constantly able to find new and complex ways of fucking things up royally.

The latest parcel that DPD attempted to deliver was “not eligible for collection” from the depot, according to the DPD website. This instantly made things more complex, meaning that I either have to take a day off work, or ask one of my neighbours to receive the parcel. Fortunately, one of my neighbours very kindly agreed to sign for the parcel, so I breathed a sigh of relief and got back to other things. However, DPD then fails to deliver to the neighbour. In the past, I have been able to salvage similar situations by calling the DPD helpline early in the morning, to talk to a human being and try to establish a time I can go to the depot. When I try the phone line, I now get an automated voice message saying that the line is not available. No replacement number, just “not available”. Utterly useless. I check the website again, which says that the parcel is waiting at the depot. I then carefully plan to finish work at 4 pm the next day and get a taxi up to DPD depot. After much scratching of heads, and whispered conversations, my DPD pals first tell me that the parcel codes are not on the system, and then a bit later that the parcels have been returned to sender. The whole thing is an absolute farce, which would probably have been funny if I hadn’t just wasted £25 on a taxi, and if I were not waving goodbye to the books I had ordered.

DPD couldn’t find their collective arses if you gave them a map and a tutorial video. They are the most useless collection of clowns I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I don’t think it’s appropriate to describe them as cunts, as I feel this is far too cuddly a term for them.

DPD are shit. Just absolute shit. I sincerely hope their useless company is flushed away in the very near future.

Nominated by WearyAndDisgusted