God save us from the ‘amateur bushcrafter’ – a creature that buys all the books and DVD’s on bushcraft it can find. Especially those by Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and Lofty Wiseman. You’ve probably met one. They tend to wear Army surplus clothing and think they’re an expert on all things military, again because they’ve bought the books. And they usually like to try to make other people think they’re a military/bushcraft expert. I don’t know why they do that though, because they’re usually not an expert. On anything.

I am an expert on what’s known as bushcraft. I was taught about the outdoors from a young age by my Texan granddad and his Apache best friend (Native Americans are among the best people to learn this sort of thing from). I also learned a fair bit about the subject whilst serving in the Army. I even spent the last four years of my career serving as a jungle warfare instructor in Belize. But I’m only an expert because I’ve spent years practising my skills. These dicks think they can read a book and become an instant expert.

This was perfectly demonstrated earlier today. I went out for a walk in the woods behind my house. They’re quite big these woods, and one of the places I use for my wild camping trips. Near to the river that runs through the middle, I encountered two such cretins. They’d actually done an adequate job of setting up their tarps and hammocks but they were doing a piss poor job of getting a fire going. This was mainly because, despite the open book (Ray Mears) they had no idea about the correct way to build a fire. They’d all the gear though. Shiny, new stuff like a small forest axe, bushcraft knives, survival tin, med kit, etc. There was no tinder or kindling, just four large logs, about 8 inches in diameter and twice that long. They were wondering why they couldn’t get them to light. Did I mention that there was a shit load of dry grass all over the ground? Well I have now. As I’m sure you’re aware, you do not try to start a fire in an area that has that much combustible material on the ground.

So, I got them to clear the entire area that their camp was in, keeping some to help with starting their fire. To be fair, they were actually quite good students. And after only an hour, they had one of the logs ablaze. I advised them to do a bushcraft course and then went on my way. If I hadn’t been there though, they would either have started a massive forest fire, or they’d still be trying to get a fire going now.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve encountered an increasing number of people, usually young guys, who buy all the gear, and the books/DVD’s, and have absolutely NO idea what they’re doing. Sooner or later, someone is going to be seriously hurt because these dumb fucks haven’t the first clue what they’re doing. A book can’t tell them how sharp a knife or axe can be. And none of the books I’ve seen have mentioned the importance of practising the skills they demonstrate. I’ve been out hiking with my wife in the lake district, Cumbria and the Pennines and seen people hiking wearing jeans and trainers. No map or compass, just a fucking smartphone app. One idiot even asked my for directions to Ladybower dam. We were in Cumbria at the time.

In some ways, it’s good that people are taking more of an interest in the British countryside. I just wish they would clue the fuck up before heading out.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw