I would like to nominate modern advertising for an accumulated cunting; this fucking shit has been festering for years and it is high time that the phenomenon as a whole was covered in these hallowed pages.

Let’s be clear – adverts have almost always been annoying. There is the odd funny one or the odd ‘clever’ one. But on the whole, they are, and always have been shit. Unfortunately, advertising execs have taken increasingly bolder steps in recent years to not only up the cunt-ante, but try their level best to burrow inside your fucking skull; no longer with the aim of telling you about their product but like all things in the modern age, geared towards getting noticed and getting attention, usually via hashtwatters.

Trying my best to summarise this as succinctly as possible (and failing), consider:

1) The endless regurgitation of 80s songs – no matter how irrelevant to the fucking advert – with these eye-gougingly annoying breathy waifish cunts murdering them beyond recognition. Most of these acoustic cunts sound like crooning asthmatics… just who decided that this should be the backing template for every fucking ‘thoughtful’ add? Too many songs to mention that have been ruined by this type of ad; ‘Wonderful Life’, ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, ‘You Spin Me Round’ are a bare few examples… don’t get me wrong, many of these tunes were shite in the first place, but adding extra layers of fucking hipster appeal just makes me desperate to time travel and swap places with Belsen camp detainees circa 1942. Anything to escape this particular brand of torture.

2) The whole Hashtag #LOLZ-type fucking branch of ads. Filed under this category are mammoth examples of cuntitude such as Moneysupermarket’s dancing woofters, Compare the Bastard Meerkat, Confused.com… noticing anything? Yes, always the same type of shit comparison and insurance site. they have nothing tangible to sell so instead, buoyed by millions earned from their online ad revenue, they attack you relentlessly with such fucking #LOL creations as operatic Welsh cunts and stuffed Russian rodents. In fact, one of my all-time fantasies involves being locked inside a real Meerkat reserve compound, a 20-gauge sawn-off Remington and unlimited fucking buckshot.

3) Any advert featuring ‘yoof’. Any advert with any kind of 14-20-year old since 2008 always, fucking ALWAYS, depicts ‘street level’ with that fucking backward Jamaican-Bangladeshi hybrid patois of utter cuntdom; even when said youths hail from white-middle class Barnstaple or Windsor. What the fuck? Is this normal now? For every fucking kid in the land to sound like a tryhard cross between Ali G and Tim fucking Westwood? Fuck off, and take your cunting ‘fam’ with you. Remember that Galaxy ad with the innit rapper and the crooning waif sounding off in the recording booth? Oh, and talking of fucking which…

4) That bastard, Christing, OTHER fucking uber-cunt Galaxy advert with the CGI Audrey Hepburn. This fucking abomination has almost been going on as long as the Hillsborough aftermath. Please, make the fucker stop.

5) This more recent trend of using sounds and close-up noises (read up on ASMR) to almost drive you to distraction and grab your attention. Examples include that supermarket ad which had ultra-loud close-ups of cows chewing grass, and Crunchy nut adverts where the mic is almost inside the chomping fucker’s mouth. Fucking disgusting and excruciating at the same time.

6) Ads which attempt emotional manipulation. These range from saccharine stuff like that dead dad advert from McDonald’s a few weeks ago and the Paul Whitehouse weird undead shit advertising Aviva; right through to the starving African charity ads that hit us from time to time. Nothing however caps cuntlords like Ewan MacGregor lecturing us to dip into our pockets for UNICEF, while that cunt furiously wanks over his £50,000 appearance fee for the privilege of giving you the sermon. Cunt right off.

I’ve probably lumped in several cunt-worthy examples into one congealed cunting, but Christ. Modern ads instantly turn my piss into scorching hot vapour.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.

The UK is a cunt.

I cunted the UK a while ago but I feel a fresh cunting is urgently required for the following reasons:

The country is full of foreign cunts, loads of Africunts and Eastern European cunts and a load of Arab type cunts who I don’t even know where the fuck they are from. I am a black and white cunt with English and Jamaican ancestry but all these cunts are turning me into a racist cunt, I despise the blackies and whities equally, the arrogant cunts.

They prance around like it’s their country and they act like they own the place. Add the Somalian cunts who hang around the street all day every day and it adds up to a super sized piece of cunt.

We get ripped off on everything, we pay tax on income, tax on fuel, tax on the necessities we need, and we get totally ripped off with the Gas and Electricity we use.

Brexit will be a joke and anyone who thinks it’s going to be a hard Brexit is deluded.

All the lefties, snowflakes etc are turning this country into a pc, can’t criticise anything, let’s welcome a population the size of Hull every year, hashtag cunt, protest about shit that does not concern you, land of cunts.

As I get older I can see myself becoming a more bitter and resentful cunt but I don’t give a fuck.

Also worthy of a mention is the thriving community of cunts who we all know about who have this minority of cunts who are out of control.

Also the rich cunts who eat their rip off food and have dinner parties every other day and think by living in what was once a rough area makes them cool.

I was born in the late 70s and life was so much simpler back then, you had white cunts, black cunts (mostly Caribbeans), and Pakistani cunts, and Indian cunts.

Now look at the pile of cunt this country has become.

It’s a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, with an added piece of cunt.

Immigration should have stopped in 1972 and that’s it. It can’t be right to have an area 90% full of one type of foreigner.

The BBC which is a lefty broadcasting company pay ridiculous salaries to the likes of Jeremy Vine and Fiona Bruce without our agreement and send some cunt to your door if you dare to not pay the TV licence fee.

We make fuck all anymore and give it 30-40 years and we will be getting foreign aid from India. By which time I’ll hopefully be on my yacht in the Carribean smoking. and drinking the finest Rum.

Nominated by Black and White Cunt.

Can I nominate young blokes with beards for a cunting please?

Seriously, did your Dad’s old photo album not teach you anything about poor fashion choices that you think facial hair is anything that remotely hints at being a good idea? I have no clue why trying to make your chin look 80 years older than the rest of your face is currently in-vogue among the metrosexual beta male, but exactly how attractive is it to the opposite sex to have a head like a 1970s vagina? Not discounting the fact that the beard is always about 3 shades further into the red spectrum than the hair on their heads. How can this be?

Call me old fashioned, but apart from giving the impression that they are maths teachers, art historians or fugitive kiddie molesters, the only reason young blokes should sport a thick grizzly beard is to hide an acute dose of herpes.

Nominated by Megacunt.