Serena Williams [3]

Any Jack Palance I can put forward King Kong’s mother for a cunting?

Of course I speak of Serena Williams. The cunt has just gone off on one because she lost a final. Fuck me lady, have they removed all the fucking mirrors in your house you butt ugly cunt. Please, go and fucking haunt some houses, you self indulgent, useless player of a cunt.

Nominated by Dry Itchy Cunt

It’s actually good that Williams’ gotten so much attention because you can see her without the usual photoshop enhancement horseshit “beauty” she’s portrayed as in magazines and the press.
Now you see her “warts” and all

I don’t know whether “ugly” cuts the mustard to describe her… please someone come up with something more fitting, ‘cos ugly only covers the outside, and she’s even more ugly inside
Talking about fitting, what the fuck was that thing she was wearing today? A tutu on a 200lb woman don’t look good , she looked like an extra from “Gone with the Wind”

Not to worry though, she can always sell off the lace netting to a seine fisherman, or to the police when they have to drag a river, and maybe she’ll get some of her money back.

Nominated by Paul ya Plonker

Tantrums in the tennis world are as old as Keith Vaz’s *expenses misunderstandings*, but usually when they do it, it is truly disgusting to witness, especially in the case of Serena Slubberguts Williams. Perhaps she is upset because not so many have sailed on her as the good ship Venus*, perhaps the baby blues have caught up with her, but just watch her outburst as her 30 stone frame waddles up to umpire to castigate him.

“Use own me a APOLOGY!. I NEVER cheat, honeychild..I have a daughter!”…yes that is the true cunt coming out. The giant economy tub of lard hasn’t been doing too well of late: well she had a daughter, make allowances honkey. She bounces back and scores a win: well what a hero she is, as she so recently had a daughter. This is a true miracle for wimmin and motherhood.

This big mouthed heap of sweating 50 inch jugs, and reinforced arse, which looks as it was modelled on the boot of the old Austin Somerset, ought to be grateful she is over paid for doing a job she loves and is able to do so even though she has a daughter. Let’s hope she spends the money wisely. She is so big she has to get her knickers on prescription, and there are no freebies in the States (perhaps she will emigrate to Britain provided she isn’t too upset about Brexit).

Mum of the decade lost this time (as you will have guessed from her outburst), and what a change it is not to hear one of the Williams sisters win yet again (same applies to old Novak Jockastrap in the same racket/racquet and fuckwit on wheels Lewis Hamilton, who only loses when somebody cuts the vain little snowflake up, or gets lucky – never able to admit that somebody else was better on the day.

In fact fuck all professional sportsmen with their greedy pretentious sense of entitlement. Especially when they are obese.

Nominated by W.C Boggs

80s vinyl reissues

It appears that numerous record companies are remastering and re-releasing crap from the 80s on heavyweight (and coloured) LPs.

OK, the odd gem still resurfaces Manfred Mann’s first four 60s albums have just been reissued on record after many years), but record companies spending money on re-releasing the musical dregs of the 80s: like Five Star, Curiosity Killed The Cunt, The Thompson Twats, and Belinda Carlisle (OK, she was top of the 80s ‘To do’ list, but her music was pap), while great works from the likes of Humble Pie, Free, Jethro Tull, Faces, Blood Sweat and Tears, and Badfinger still remain unavailable on LP ?

It’s ludicrous, but I know who’s to blame… It’s all those coloured haired ripped jeans student cunts, who think that buying LPs is trendy and that all that 80s crap is ‘retro’ and ‘cool old school’…. Fucking cunts…

Nominated by Norman

My son-in-law collects vinyl. He is 35. He has lent me a Half Man Half Biscuit vinyl LP. I have put it on a USB stick because I am not a vinyl cunt. I have done this with all my vinyl so I can play them anywhere. Vinyl collectors seem to be hipster cunts.

80s music – Madness, Squeeze, Dire Straits, the Cars, Men at Work. The rest was forgettable for me.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Snowflakes [4]

Below is an extract from the South Wales Argus. Read it to gain an insight into the world of the Snowflakes.

‘AN IMMERSIVE production focused on terrorism has been premiered to Gwent police officers with the hopes of it gaining funding.
The Extremists is the first production of its kind, and will feature Callum Lloyd as right-wing extremist Sharif, and Nicholas Sturrock as left-wing extremist Adam Llewellyn Evans.

Reality Theatre spent months researching to produce the piece, which they showcased to Gwent police officers on Thursday, as the company are hoping to get funding, allowing them to use the performance as an educational tool. ‘

The comments section in the paper went for the obvious humour – Legs Akimbo, ‘Your my wife now Dave’, ‘Are you local’ etc.

However to me it shows the planet these fuckers live on.
Funding. Of course the Police will want to pay for this gritty realism.
Right wing, Left wing terrorists. No mention of religion of course.
Educational tool? Perhaps the fiction section.

God help us.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

India

I would like to cunt India.

Fed up of hearing and reading how its gonna “overtake the West” with cutting edge IT and massively successful industry.

Utter bollocks. Won’t happen.

This is the same place that still relies on 70 year old ex-British Empire railway infrastructure ; suffers power cuts most summers because too many fuckers are illegally tapping it or have bought aircon units so the power network can’t cope.

Today there’s news of 300 odd drowned in the annual (and thus entirely predictable) monsoons (which is really 500 cos they don’t really give enough of a shit to count the bodies properly). Buildings and bridges fall down with monotonous regularity in a way the Italians would envy!

Hilarious when Guy Martin once visited that truck stop where these 10 Rupees a day old biddies were cutting up trucks to cannibalise and put back on the roads-bald tyres and all- perfectly legally !! Looming over them was this huge mountain of unprocessed, steaming pile of shit!!!

I went there 25yrs ago and said to the missus that it would still be the same shitheap in Year 2100 and I know I was being generous.

99% of the population scrape by hand to mouth ; 1% live the life of Riley on the back of it. Open sewers everywhere; rubble; litter; heat; flies; begging; poverty. The Ganges is a polluted dead river, a blot on the landscape.

Yes, India is a venerable cunt sized, world class dump.

Nominated by Isaac Hunt

Wasps [2]

Earlier on today I was enjoying some time in my garden, and thought I’d take a look to see how my late cropping strawberries were doing. Flicking among the leaves, I came across four or five of these stripey little pests busily hollowing out the fruit. Before I could bat an eyelid, there were not one but two sharp stabs on my forearm and I got well and truly stung off the little bastards, who promptly beat it before I could even think about gaining revenge.

Now I appreciate that the more ecologically minded might consider that wasps get a bit of an unfair press. They’re part of the food chain (yes, believe it or not, some animals actually eat them), and they help in the important process of pollination. Up until now, it’s fair to say that I’ve been neutral as far as my views on the subject are concerned, but that was before I had two throbbing lumps on my arm the size of golf balls to contend with (think I might have an allergy).

No doubt about it; they’ll ruin your picnic, ruin your barbeque, ruin your fruit crop, and scare your grandkids if they get the chance, and that’s before they turn vicious. To add insult to injury I’m sitting here in my garden chair trying to console myself, and one of the wee fuckers has just nosedived into my glass of wine. As far as I’m concerned, wasps serve one purpose and one purpose only, and that’s to be a total fucking nuisance.

I’m off now to roll up yesterday’s newspaper and tape up the ends. Retribution is coming, and the cunts have proper asked for it.

Nominated by Ron Knee