People who use Animals as Accessories

Everywhere we go now seems to be festooned with small dogs, particularly dachshunds, many of which are being carried or chauffeured in puppy pushchairs.

Obviously, a new must-have accessory for the dim-witted and/or unselfconscious.

But let`s not get all depressed – my belief is that every cunt has a silver lining.

Why don`t we use this opportunity to have a fun competition – `Name That Sausage`.

So, if you had a sausage dog, what would you call it?

Mine are, if it’s a girl, Strudel; and a boy, Hitler.

Or maybe you already have one, possibly called Swastika.

Either way, I look forward to your suggestions.

Nominated by: Sam Beau

64 thoughts on “People who use Animals as Accessories

  1. To honour its shape and heritage, I would call it das boot. Though they are better in a pack..

    If it was old and incontinent and regularly shit on the carpet, then it would be called Merkel..

  2. In choosing a dog I have a few requirements.

    Top of that list is legs.

    It should have fur.
    It should be able to go a long walk without being carrie
    It should be able to carry out it’s job of guarding the house and it’s occupants.

    And it should instill terror into the hearts of ethnics.

      • Morning Cunt Engine.

        Good to see you back in the fold after helping the police with their inquiries.

      • Hey Thomas,
        What’s this I hear about you going to work in California?

        If you come on here bragging about new BeeGees teeth,
        talking about yoga and crystal healing you can fuck right off.


      • Morning MNC…Yep, and I’m going to buy a Tesla, a bicycle and refer to criminal beaner wetbacks as ‘new citizens’, as is required in California.

      • Well have fun and try not to get bummed.


        Trust nobody.
        Lots of grassing cunts out there

        And if you want to impress them tell them your family in the good ol’ days used to own Beyonces family.

        Don’t eat the chocolate.
        Like licking a dogs arse hole.

      • Morning LL…I refused to help the police with their enquires. They’re not to know the location of my love dungeon.
        Alas, by the time of my release on Friday, the poor girls had died of malnutrion.

      • “The filthy, cruel, slitty-eyed yellow cunts”

        Amen to that Mr Cunt Engine.

    • Morning TCE, Lovely to have you back! Loads of serial killers in Cali. Highest body count. I saw it on Netflix. ‘Keep your distance, wear a mask,stay safe’ as they used to say.

  3. In my experience small dogs are like small people who display a Napoleon complex. They try to overcome their lack of stature by being aggressive, snappy little bastards.
    So I would name a dachshund ‘Bercow’.

    • Morning GT…you reckon it’s because people think they’re too cute to discipline and train properly?
      Chihuahuas are all little pricks.
      Jack Russells too.
      Too big for their tiny boots.

      • When my dog was a pup we took it to puppy training and obedience classes.

        There was a puppy sausage dog there,
        It’d become enraged at the sight of other dogs,
        They had to put a screen around it so it calmed down and didn’t distract the other dogs😂

        It was a cute little thing,
        Just psychotic.

        I prefer large dogs,
        Harder to trip over and much calmer.
        But each to theyre own.

      • I got bitten by a Jack Russell as a small boy, that’s not the reason I hate them, but because they’re yappy little fuckers.

      • Morning Thomas, good to see they’ve let you out on licence.

        You mention chihuahuas which reminds me of a short break Mrs Twatt and I had in Paris once. In the neighbourhood where we were staying, every morning a veritable army of skanky old tarts (all mutton dressed as lamb) would emerge from their apartments, each carrying a chihuahua. The dog would be lowered onto the pavement to shit and piss, then picked up and carried back indoors. That was the dog’s daily exercise.

        Actually I felt sorry for the dogs. If that was my life I expect I’d be a nasty little cunt as well.

      • When I was a kid we had a dog called Polly, called that because she self-identified as a parrot.

      • Welcome back TCE. I was going to nominate you in deadpool.

        Good to read your about your depravity again.

        As for the nom, I’ve not got a dog in this fight.

  4. I’ve nothing against the little blighters, but they should be only on display on a mantelpiece with uncle Bert’s ashes⚱️….if I was paid a ridiculous amount of money to have one I’d call it tallshanks 😵‍💫

  5. The other day, there was some silly woman in the bookies with a push chair. When she tried to leave she was having a real struggle managing the chair and the heavy door. I thought of leaving the inputting of my footie bet to give her a hand. However I hesitated because I don;t really think wimminz should be allowed in bookies. It is not natural. Just as well I did as there was no baby in the chair, just a stupid dachshund. A close shave indeed.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • These short legged little fuckers seem to be everywhere. There’s a fucking epidemic.

      Probably something to do with Covid.

      Morning all.

    • Every time I see something like that I scream internally. It takes all the effort I have not to say something (and sometimes I don’t succeed).

  6. Tends to be those French bulldog type creatures that are popular with the false eyelash, inflatable lips, sub 70 IQ brigade, where I live

    I love dogs myself but there’s something amiss with those things.

    As well as being ugly, the poor little fuckers tend to be riddled with all sorts of genetic ailments and are over bred by a lot of unsavoury types who are frantically tapping into a fertile market of brain-dead cunts willing to part with their money.

    Good Morning

  7. Off topic but it would appear the Iranian regime have been busy sending fireworks towards Israel during the night.

    What a time to be alive.

    To any cunters who were relieved to see the back of Donald Trump and the installation of Joe Biden:

    Have a good look at the world since then and tell me things have improved.

  8. Cant agree with comments about Jack Russell’s had a few of them along with Dobermans, the Jack’s hold their own with the big dogs and you should thank the good lord that Jacks aren’t any bigger their spirit is unbelievable for a little fecker, they would take on a lion.
    As for naming a Dachshund I would call it Chipolata.

      • well spotted Thomas. it was indeed from the Viz strip Zip-o-lightning.

        I have been in my hometown today and my best mate and I were discussing exactly that.

        just by the way, I have all of the original Viz comics going back to 1988 in a box in the loft

      • well spotted Thomas. it was indeed from the Viz strip Zip-o-lightning.

        I have been in my hometown today and my best mate and I were discussing exactly that.

        just by the way, I have all of the original Viz comics going back to 1988 in a box in the loft

  9. I feel sorry for the ones with short legs, suffering the pain of having to drag their cock and balls along rough ground. For the dogs, I suggest a thimble placed on the end. For the owners, they’ll have to take potluck, the lucky cunts.

    • For those Cunts more familiar with archaic trades . What is the difference between a Costamonger and a Daschund?
      One bawls out his wares on the pavement, the other ……

  10. Just like to thank all the magnificent contributors to this particular light-hearted cuntiferous banterage. Makes a change from the usual (but unavoidably necessary) paragraphs of doom and witnessing our way of life crumble before us on a daily basis.

  11. A nice nomination Sam Beau, particularly as the love of my life was a wire haired dachshund. Your suggestion that i should have named her Hitler reminded me of a trip we took.
    Mrs. W. and I were driving from Innsbruck to Bologna about 20 years ago and stopped for lunch at a trattoria high up on a pass somewhere near Linds, where Adolph had been born. We hadn’t long been sat down when Mrs. W says it’s a bit Nazi in here and pointed to the wall panels which were decorated with the Maltese Cross. I suggested that Maltese Crosses were an old German symbol and not Nazi at all. Anyway we had a decent meal and I went to pay at the reception desk, no one was about apart from a big fuck-off German Shepherd Dog, a nice old boy. Eventually the owner lady comes out and sees the dog making a fuss of me and she says “Komm see hire, Goering” . I look up and there are photos of Adolph an Benito having a meeting at the caff. It was a bit spooky.

    • Can’t remember what we had but strudel would be a good guess. It was a surreal experience.
      It was in the South Tyrol where the Italians think they are Germans, think Gunter Steiner on Drive To Survive.

  12. The cunt Hanibal started this off with elephants. It as degenerated to the horrible pugs, chihuahuas, French bulldogs. My kid has a Dachshund, I like them barks like like a Doberman.

  13. This is one of my pet peeves with dog ownership. No madam, your Jax Russell isn’t a plaything – get it out of the fucking stroller and treat it like an actual working animal.

    • Yes i would piss myself laughing watching you say that to one of the lads I’ve worked with.
      You would certainly be made to feel the more likely candidate for ‘botty shenanigans’.

      • I can’t work out what the fuck you mean.

        Are you saying that French bull dogs are not the favourite of gays?

        Are the lads that you have worked with ‘really tough’?

        Should I be nervous?

        Or are you just stalking my posts and making inane comments?


  14. Council keep turning down my dangerous animals license. The Hyena is only a problem if someone pisses it off. As most persons would not come within 100. Yards of a pair of Hyenas I really fail to see the problem and begun to believe that I am being discriminated against for metal health reasons. This World is bloody unfair

  15. People who dress up their pets in an outfit because it’s ‘cute’ are a bit weird aren’t they?
    Then when you call them out on it they’ll say ‘he likes it’.
    How do you know?
    Can you read the dog’s or cat’s mind?

    It’s this infantilisation of grown adults again. Using that stupid doggo language.
    It’s encouraged ffs.

    If you attempted to play ‘dress up’ with certain cats some of my friends have owned, you’d have had more claw marks on you than Bruce Lee in the hall of mirrors at the end of Enter the Dragon.

    It’d serve them right.

    • Doggo speak irritates the fuck out of me, and I like most dogs.

      The dressing up thing is weird unless done for a one off lighthearted event at a dog picnic or show. Even then it seems odd.

  16. I`d cal mine Syndrome. If he jumped up at people I`d have to shout “Down, Syndrome!”.
    Or I`d call him Shark and let him off the lead at the beach. Then I`d have to find him by running around and shouting his name.

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