Neverenders Eastenders (6)

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s culture, media and entertainment correspondent Ron Knee reporting. Followers of the site will be well aware of ‘EastEnders’, the BBC series renowned for its gritty yet realistic depiction of East End life. I’m delighted to be joined by the show’s executive producer Josephine Bloggs, who is going to tell us about a couple of stunningly original plot developments”.

“Hi Ron! Hi everybody! Please call me Joe. All my chums at Auntie do. So let me
start by revealing our new 2023 Christmas storyline. Are you ready? There’s *gasp* going to be a murder in the square on Christmas Day!”.

“Huh? We only gave you this interview because you promised some ‘original’ content. There have been over thirty murders in ‘EastEnders’ to date!”.

“Yes but this is a first. A murder on Christmas Day. At least I think it’s a first; I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Anyway that’s irrelevant. What matters is we’re giving the punters what they want. The fans like nothing more than a whopping dose of despondency and misery during the festive season”.

“Er, right. So what else have you got for us?”.

“Well now this really is sensational. I’m letting the cat out of the bag *snigger* but just between us, I can reveal that Michelle Collins is returning to the show as Cindy Beale!”.

“But hang on. I thought that the character died in prison sometime in the 1980s. That’s hardly true to life is it?”.

“Oh don’t be a grumpy old crosspatch. It’s a real first for the show, just like when we killed off Dirty Den, then resurrected him, then killed him off again. People do ‘die’ and come back in real life you know. Cindy might’ve been in a coma or something for 25 years”.

“Cosmic. Well thanks for joining us Joe. I’m sure that our followers are reassured to learn of the BBC’s on-going commitment to realism in drama. You can rest assured that on the basis of these revelations, they’ll be flocking to renew their licence payments in their thousands. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.


Nominated by Ron Knee.

109 thoughts on “Neverenders Eastenders (6)

      • Indeed Mr Cunty Man, as do I. The relationship he formed with canine character Well Hard as I believe he was known brought an almost human quality to the beast and dare I say it, one not to dissimilar to Gielgud or Olivier…..
        The day Well Hard passed marked the beginning of the end for Dean Gaffney…… one of the greatest double acts of our time………. a truly saddening affair. One can only hope that hanging out the back of Stacy soliman rids him at least temporarily of the pain of the memory of losing Well Hard and simultaneously his career

  1. Saw it once, circa 1986, gave it five minutes and never bothered again.

  2. A 38 year old turd stuck in the BBC ubenders, which isn’t a (butt) plug for Schocunt as it’s too old. All soaps are a fucking waste of everyone’s time and money. Even Neighbours gave up by the time it was on Channel 5. Get to fuck.

  3. This is the BBC flagship which justifies all the moolah they scam through licence tax.

    If seeing your money wasted on this shite doesn’t make you cancel your tax I don’t know what will.

    It’s estimated that the bbc currently spends 29 million pounds per annum making this pile of festering pish.

    Wonder how much their other notable work of fiction costs? 24/7 ‘news’ can’t come cheap!

  4. Gerr ahht ah mah pabb!!

    Viss is gunna be va best chriss-miss evva!

    Etc etc etc

  5. I don’t watch live BBC anymore but whenever I came across this shite channel hopping back in the day it was just cockneys and Dakis shouting at each other.

  6. Nice one Ron…

    EastEnders. Overblown doom laden dystopian shite where the sun never shines. Like Wagner for chav scum

    One of the most hilarious things about this gorblimey crap is when characters like Phil Mitchell and Kat Slapper cross supposedly proper East End gangsters and get out of it without a scratch.

    This, of course, is but one cliche and overused story idea for this shit. Here are some others….

    The revolting incest plot. ‘Orrible Uncle Archie/Harry/Ernie raped me.’ Used several times for several chracters (usually slags).

    The pub (Ver Vic) having fires, rapes, murders, buried dead bodies and beatings in there. And yet it still has not been closed down.

    Characters officially pronounced dead. Then they return from the grave Lazarus style. Dirty Den, Kaffy and now Cindy the Slag.

    All the kids are evil cunts and murder somebody.Then they ‘go away’ and come back as an adult (and a new actor) and everyone acts like nothing ever happened. Like that psychotic poof Ben Mitchell killing that daft fat cunt, Hevvah. Now he’s having pooftah weddings and still lives in the place where he murdered someone (for fuck’s sake). Oh, and Bobby Beale butchering his own sister and then becoming a peaceful and then being accepted back into ‘ver community’.

    The ‘Me sister’s me mum’ storyline. Used several times.Those Slater inbreds and that Danny Dyer cunt for a start (I’d have shagged that Zoe Slater, mind).

    Janine Butcher. Always gets dragged off to prison, then comes back again. Like a villain from the 1960s Batman TV series. Janine also has a bigger body count than Jack the Ripper and the Krays.

    Hitherto straight characters who have been married and had kids suddenly turning dyke or poofter. That ugly bitch Sonia Stallone being an example.

    That fat bald alcohol drenched cunt Phil Mitchell still is king of ‘ver manor’. Absolutely laughable. The fat fuck is over 60 and has had a liver transplant, yet he still wins fights against younger and fitter opponents (usually with a baseball bat) and (hilariously) gangsters. And nobody younger or nastier has overthrown him yet.

    It’s 2023 and no cunt in ‘ver square’ has a fucking washing machine. The cunts still use the launderette.

    Absolute shite of the highest order.

  7. I remember that none of the cunts could talk properly. They all seemed to to have a speech impediment or were simply mongs! There was some curry noshed character called Gita, but one of the cunts thought it had a silent G, and T, and pronounced the name as ‘Eeeeaaah’. Thick, non talking cunts!

    • And the said Gita had an old man called Sanjay. And she had the habit of pronouncing it as ‘Sanjuh’. None of the cunts could speak properly.

  8. And the square’s resident weasel, Billy Mitchell marrying a piece of crackling like Honey just shows how ridiculous it is.

    • Blimey I just googled them; no way would that nerk marry a bird like that, even in a soap.

  9. Tha east end is full of curry houses and cunts praying on prayer mats not bleached blondes and 5ft tall hard men these days the krays are turning in their graves saw mark fowler and phill Michael in a chip shop in Highgate my 24 year old daughter is taller cunts

  10. The theme tune is also a load of shite. A dirge with an out of tune piano and crappy 80s electric drums. Fucking bollocks… And when cunts call the crappy drum bit at the end ‘Duff Duffs’ I want to put their heads in a clothes mangle, ‘Ooh, when Kat was gangbanged (again), that was a Duff Duff moment.; Get to fucking soddery.

    This version is better, The cunts want the piss taking out of them…

  11. Yes, bringing back characters from the dead is so feckin realistic… Just like the rest of the raddled old plotline.

  12. And although I liked Anita Dobson in it, her version of the theme was a steaming turd.

    And there were other EastEnders musical crimes. Sharon, Kalvin and The Banned, that Nick Berry cunt, and Frank Butcher’s daughter also had a hit. Mind you, she did give me the horn. I’d have done that, no danger…

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