Cornwall Council

A deserted, fully-lit council office in Bodmin, Cornwall. What could be going on here? Have the staff all walked out in disgust because someone put the jam on top of the cream on his scone in the staff canteen?

Are they hiding smuggled contraband and had to scarper fast when they saw the Excise Officer approaching? Is Rick ‘Mr Padstow’ Stein outside making another boring programme about how fucking marvellous Cornwall is and they’re all trying to be filmed in the background?

No, none of these. In fact it’s 9.30pm and the lights are all on because nobody has been trained to switch them off. It’s not the first time either, and apparently County Hall in Truro is just as bad.

Anyway, Management are on top of it now. After training in how to switch off a light, staff will receive training in how to tie their shoelaces and how to wipe their arses after a shit.

Cornwall live

Nominated by Geordie Twatt.

67 thoughts on “Cornwall Council

  1. Apparently it was ‘an isolated incident’.

    As Stevie G would say ‘yeah course’.

  2. Were all the instructions in cornish?
    And no cunt speak its.

    Give them torches till they learn, no fucking wonder potholes don’t get filled.

      • 🎶 Your sister is your Mother,
        Your Uncle is your brother 🎶

        There’s a village very close to Sheffield, where almost all the inhabitants have a webbed left foot ( just the one, Mrs. Wembley), allegedly.

      • I always thought Stocksbridge was quite refined, people who live in Oughtibridge always claim to live in Stocksbridge.

        Unlike Staveley, which is Zombie Spice land.

        No, it’s da da daaah!


  3. Shoelace and arse wiping training has been put on hold as it may cause offence to those employees with disabilities

  4. How many Roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One….Two….Two….One Two.

    Sorry about that.

  5. A certain nationalised industry customer of ours uses standard desktop PCs that we provide. The heavily unionised workforce refused to use it until they had received training on how to use the mouse. I kid ye not.

  6. The Cornish have been mining tin for thousands of years.
    It brought trade to our shores from all over Europe.
    You need tin to make bronze dummy.

    But they’ve only been reaching their webbed hands to turning off the light switch for 80years.

    You have to give them a chance to adjust.

    I like Cornwall,
    Ice cream,
    Cream teas,
    And they all sound like Wurzel Gummidge!👍

    • Pasties too Miserable, you can’t forget pasties. There is one on the Cornish flag you know.

      • The only bad thing about Cornwall is those surfer types.

        VW camper , long hair, laid-back attitude,
        Gnarly dude!

        Hope you drown you fuckin showoff.

      • Yeah, that cunts meant to be a serious academic!
        A expert in archeology and responsible for the digs.

        He’s finding spare change for cider isn’t he?

        Archeologists should be like Indiana Jones not earning cash in hand scaring rooks in a farmer’s field.

      • An fag dimps.
        That’s what’s in his satchel the dosser.

        Loose change an fag dimps.

      • @MNC. Coincidentally, me and Ethel are camped in a farmers field, by a rookery, in Somerset.
        I love the sound of them, in fact I chose this spot on purpose, with them in mind.
        Ethel is having a shower…..the horror….the horror……
        Me and the hound are slobbing out in a comfy spot.
        Don’t work too hard in this hot weather 😁

      • Evening Jack 👍

        Next time you visit the Peak District,
        Go to Edale!

        There’s a large rookery facing the church.
        The noise they make is something else!

        I like Somerset.
        As a wayward youth I saw the sun rise sat on Glastonbury Tor quire a few times.

        Far out!😆

      • I might well do that, MNC. I do have to say though, Hayfield was very nice.
        Lovely little spot.

        Brew time ! 🙂

        Good evening 👍

      • We used to holiday in Cornwall, when I was a tiddler.
        I can still remember the hot Cornish pasties my parents would buy from the Pastie van, like an ice cream van, but selling pasties.

    • Were you Miserable, also sent out late at night by your parents, to pick dimps for them from the top decks of buses ?

      • Yes.
        Yes I was Sammy .
        Until I was old enough to dance for spare change as a GoGo dancer at the Top of the Pops studio .

      • Not without shoving a tenner down my Gstring they didn’t.

    • MNC

      Glastonbury is about 25 mins from where I live. Quaint little town, lots of wizard and druid types mooching about, smell of weed and incense everywhere no matter the time of day, very relaxed, nowhere seems to open before 10am. Lovely walk and views up the Tor. Burns The Bread-best bakery I’ve ever been to, Glastonbury Pasty fucking superb. What’s not to like 👍

      • Mr Gravy@

        I spent a week camped on the Tor in the late 80s.
        And have wandered around the surrounding countryside,
        Frome, street, and Shepton Mallet
        ( My maternal grandad served time in Shepton Mallet prison for chinning a officer when in the army😁)

        You live in a nice part of the country.👍

      • Shepton Mallet prison is now open to the public and you can pay to be locked up for the night, not my cup of tea but it seems to be popular.

        Every part of the country has its nice parts but I’m lucky these days that I have the coast and nice countryside all within 10 mins.

        Not overrun with ethnics yet either but give it time

  7. Been to Bodmin a few times. The council building is a lot grander than most in the area. The place looks like it needs a little bit of TLC.

  8. Another bunch of tree huggers who cry about the dying planet but expect everybody else to do something about it while they virtue signal. They just like telling other people what to do, that’s all there is to it. Training my arse.

  9. Love cornwall, got married there too a couple of years back, stayed in bodmin jail hotel, but fuck those crazy surf doodes.

  10. Is it the Cornwall Council that issues those souvenir passports that some mad cunts used as I.D to fly round the world?

    Pasties are nice,the council are cunts.

  11. Are they capable of falling asleep by themselves, or will that be part of the thorough training ?

    • Evening MNC…I’ve nowt but good memories of Cornwall. Getting pissed and stoned with my mates in my 20’s, shagging a few fit birds at 2am on Fistral beach in Newquay…just heavenly.
      I’ll probably retire there in 10 years or so, can’t wait.

      • Better buy now, TtCE.

        The property prices down there are an utter fucking joke, and aren’t going to improve anytime soon.

        Unless, of course, some thick cunt decides that it would be the perfect place to commandeer several hotels to house dinghy riders.

      • Evening JP, how’s yourself?
        Aah, I’m only 51 so have plenty of years I’ll have to work before that.
        Besides, we might be on the other side of WW3 by then!
        My retirement money’ll buy quite a large bombed out crater.

      • Smashing it, Thomas. Hope you’re well too.

        That’s something that worries me, WW3.

        I can feel that we’re edging closer and closer to it.

        Hopefully, a member of the Politburo will slot him, before it comes to that.

      • I agree. The world population is entirely unsustainable. It’s quite surprising that there hasn’t been a cataclysmic health event since, what, Spanish Flu a century or thereabouts ago?
        I had high hopes for AIDS bit that was rather a damp squib.

      • Even Covid disappointed.
        I didn’t get it.
        Mind you, I’m nearly 70, and have been vaccinated/caught every disease or pox going in early childhood.
        Maybe I’m immune.

      • Fuck Putin!! If I was in a room with him, I’d call the fucker out. “Go on then, you poncing, puffed up little cunt. Let’s see how big and brassy those russki cojones are. Press the button cunto. Don’t keep threatening, press the fucking thing or go back to you Moscow bolt hole, shut the fuck up and get on with your life and that of your citizens”

      • Evening Thomas 👍
        Yeah, Cornwalls lovely.
        As is Devon.
        We live in a beautiful country don’t we?

    • I also caught crabs. Held a mirror under my bollocks and waited until they visited their mates and swiftly pulled it away. Another way was rubbing whiskey and sand into the nether regions and waited until they got pissed then stone each other to death. Thirdly was to crouch over a bowl of water and wait until they fancied a swim. Finally I decided to go to the doctors and have them removed for good.

      • Mine was a joke Sammy .
        A play on the famous Cromer crabs.

        Your a dirty devil aren’t you?
        This is a family site.
        Youve lowered the tone!

        Hope your contrite?
        You mucky little bleeder.

  12. Geordie Twat.

    I’m sorry. Your cunting seems to have been hijacked by various nefferious ne’er do wells, myself included.

    But if it makes you feel any better, the image of a younger MNC dancing in a tenner stuffed g-string is sure to be burnt on the inside of my eyelids tonight.

    Better have two cheeky gins, tonight!

    • I don’t mind at all Jeezum. I find the 3pm nomination invariably descends into a cesspit of sexual depravity. In fact this one’s been pretty mild, well so far anyway.

      And like you, I fear the image of MNC jiggling in his G-string will haunt me for years to come. I had no idea he was a member of Pans People.

      • Christ above, Geordie.
        I nearly choked, laughing.

        Maybe 3 cheeky gins.

        Sloe gin, absolutely fabulous.

    • All councils are pushing net zero. It gives them an excuse to steal your money and piss it away on what they want. After all they are saving the fucking planet, you can’t argue with that. The fact that their friends and relatives are in the green business and get all the contracts is just a coincidence.

      • Feeling that.

        We have the first green council in Kent in my district. They got into power by vowing to stop a development that would have netted the council proper bucks – Princess Parade development. The council is now in the hole for millions. The greens say they can offset this by reducing refuse collections and grass cutting. Here we go…….. for fucks sake. There’s no compromise with these cunts, they could have scaled back the development but no….. cunts.

  13. Typical council, the lights are on but nobody’s home. After learning how to turn lights on and off maybe they could learn how to answer the phone?

    Amazing when you consider they can send letters out of your a few days late with your council tax!

  14. To be fair it is the Cornish we are on about. Probably think some Wizard catches fireflies in glass everyday before everyone is up and if they touch it it’ll steal their soul. Generations of fucking your sister cause you can’t be fucked to drive for half an hour to the next village to fuck a girl there will do silly things like this to a county.

  15. I love Cornwall and interestingly have recently posted a nom on the shite programs about ‘Devon and Cornwall’.

    That said whilst it’s a lovely place around the coast and the main tourist spots you don’t have to veer too far off the beaten track to witness serious poverty and crime ridden estates.

    During the second half of lockdown and laid off as a result I moved down to live with my mate who has a truly fantastic place in Pendeen, close to the Lighthouse.

    And because I’m not proud I took a job delivering fast food 5 nights a week around Penzance as my redundancy package was disappearing at a rate of knots.

    What I saw proper pissed me off. Really shitty estates like Polmeere and Chywoone Hill where I would regularly deliver £40 worth of junk to the same houses at least 3 times a week and where it was clear the residents didn’t work.

    Seriously and in many cases the smell of weed coming from the houses was so strong you could smell it walking up to the door.

    So how’s this relevant?

    Well to me at least it seemed like the Government/ Local Councils had given up and swept so many people under carpet and just paid the benefits without much scrutiny.

    Coincidentally my former brother in law had taken a job as Temporary Director of Adult Services for Cornwall Council (I think that’s what it was) working 2 days a week at home in Chorley and 2 in The ‘office’.

    I looked on their website to see how much he was stealing for a living as councils have to publish the salaries of all the Directors and he was being paid £129k a year!!!

    Absolutely disgraceful and I almost wrote a cunting about it but decide against it.

    £129k a year for fucking condemning people to a life of benefits dependency and no hope.

    The largess exercised by these fat lanyard wearing coffee breathed yoghurt knitting away day attending meetings about meetings cunts makes me sick.

    And the money they pay themselves whilst turning a strategic blind eye to real poverty is nothing short of a fucking disgrace.

  16. When I visited Padstow all the locals thought Stein was a cunt for trying to buy up the entire village, not to mention his overpriced poncy fish and chips.

  17. There’s a lot of bile about Cornwall lately. This must be the second nomination in abaaaaht a week and another on the way looking at the nominations page.

    Did they piss on your Cornish Pasties?

    I’ve never been down their. Always been a bit wary of it.
    Worried it’s a bit like the Wicker Man.

    Same with the Fens.
    Give me 6 brother!

    • Evening Harold 👍
      Naw, it’s full of surfer fucks pretending they’re in Honolulu,
      And posh London twats in flipflops buying up all the housing and upsetting the locals who’ve had family there for 200 years.

      They’re all descended from miners and smugglers.
      Both stout trades.

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