Neverenders Eastenders (6)

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s culture, media and entertainment correspondent Ron Knee reporting. Followers of the site will be well aware of ‘EastEnders’, the BBC series renowned for its gritty yet realistic depiction of East End life. I’m delighted to be joined by the show’s executive producer Josephine Bloggs, who is going to tell us about a couple of stunningly original plot developments”.

“Hi Ron! Hi everybody! Please call me Joe. All my chums at Auntie do. So let me
start by revealing our new 2023 Christmas storyline. Are you ready? There’s *gasp* going to be a murder in the square on Christmas Day!”.

“Huh? We only gave you this interview because you promised some ‘original’ content. There have been over thirty murders in ‘EastEnders’ to date!”.

“Yes but this is a first. A murder on Christmas Day. At least I think it’s a first; I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Anyway that’s irrelevant. What matters is we’re giving the punters what they want. The fans like nothing more than a whopping dose of despondency and misery during the festive season”.

“Er, right. So what else have you got for us?”.

“Well now this really is sensational. I’m letting the cat out of the bag *snigger* but just between us, I can reveal that Michelle Collins is returning to the show as Cindy Beale!”.

“But hang on. I thought that the character died in prison sometime in the 1980s. That’s hardly true to life is it?”.

“Oh don’t be a grumpy old crosspatch. It’s a real first for the show, just like when we killed off Dirty Den, then resurrected him, then killed him off again. People do ‘die’ and come back in real life you know. Cindy might’ve been in a coma or something for 25 years”.

“Cosmic. Well thanks for joining us Joe. I’m sure that our followers are reassured to learn of the BBC’s on-going commitment to realism in drama. You can rest assured that on the basis of these revelations, they’ll be flocking to renew their licence payments in their thousands. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.


Nominated by Ron Knee.

109 thoughts on “Neverenders Eastenders (6)

    • Cracking idea LL.

      Suggest you forward your observation to the Beeb on its ‘comments’ page.

      I’d watch that on Christmas Day.

      • How about a recreation of the last episode of Blakes 7, where they are all standing in a circle and shoot each other dead.

        Now, I’d watch that!

  1. Even though I don’t bother with this reality show tee-hee. May I suggest napalming the lot ? I’m sick to death of hearing about it.

  2. Is it still going? Haven’t watched it since 1992.

    Last time I watched the usual script was – “leave it out”; “your havin a laff”; “we gotta talk”. There was that ugly man-scrote Pat Butcher and those two bald gits. And there was always a madi gras atmosphere at the Fowlers. I bet it hasn’t changed.

    Televisual diarrhoea and not a packet of Imodium in sight.

  3. A few daisycutters would sort out this pile of cack.
    Not watched it since having to record it for a girlfriend in the 90’s.
    Core blimey
    Fuck orf.

    • Ron,

      “Shut it you slag” was The Sweeney.

      Great nomination, I use to work in Hackney, there was a great sense of humour there, more strokes being pulled than Oxford and Cambridge in The Boat race. None of that has ever been conveyed in Eastenders.
      One example I had a mate who was in partnership with a Greek bloke (bubble), Andy Keph, who had a number plate ANK 2. He got a bit of black masking tape and put 1 and a W in front and Andy, who was a weapons grade wanker, wondered why everyone was blowing their horns at him and giving him the thumbs up when he drove home through Stamford Hill and Tottenham.

      • Ah so it was Wank. ‘The Sweeney’ was great.

        ‘We’re the Sweeney, and we ‘aven’t ‘ad any dinner!’.

  4. Yonks ago I took a peek at it out of curiosity. Found out you needed the attention span of a gnat.

  5. Is that the only bbc show with way too many honkys in it..
    East London could pass as Mumbai but more pungent.

    • If it was realistic, all the honkeys would have fled to Essex or Kent by now and the entire neighbourhood would be full of brown people who don’t speak a word of English and refuse to understand each other.

  6. Haven’t seen it since the 80s.

    Bag of wank. Not even much totty.

    Wasn’t a bird on it an actual real life murder victim in recent years? Or did I dream that?

    What a shite dream if true.

    • There have been 2 murdered, Sian Blake (along with her 2 young sons) in 2015 and Gemma McCluskie in 2013. I think they’ve been fortunate only 2 of the cunts have been murdered.

      • Cheers Moggie.

        Let’s hope these TV star murderers don’t move on to Match of the Day.

        That would be fucking terrible.

  7. Never watched a single episode. That applies to all soaps on the idiot lantern.
    Have you nothing more interesting to do in your life..?

  8. It seems to be a feature of dross like ‘EastEnders’, ‘Corrie’ and ‘Everfail’ that when the ideas well runs dry again, they have another murder or two.

    It’s real-life at its most unrealistic. They’ve been on the go for far, far too long. Talk about utterly clapped out.

    Morning all.

    • Coronation Street was great from 1960 to about 1984. But now it is fucking shit and has been for nearly 40 years.

      One of its most gruesome and terrible plots was when that can’t act tart Michelle Collins was made landlady of the Rovers Return. Annie Walker would be turning in her grave. Here is the great Annie facing down a couple of thugs in a classic episode…

  9. For the likes of this programme to appear realistic, they must have to be effin and jeffin at each other for a start. Some how I can’t see that happening for the time it goes out. There’s a pisstake version of it on YouTube with all the bad language dubbed in, which is a laugh.

      • Hi Ron,
        I’ve only an iPad. Don’t think I can send a link. I’ve had a good search for the sweary pisstake version and don’t see it anywhere, unless it’s been taken down. Best try yourself with suggestions, you might get lucky.

  10. My aunt does the hairdressing on Enders and she told me that later this year,
    Tamzin Outhwaite will return as Mel Owen… but she now has a penis and
    there is going to be a scene where she teabags the one off Spandau Ballet
    in the Queen Vic then runs for Mayor of London.

  11. How about a really seasonal approach this Xmas? A few loose Camels stampede in the square ( shouldn’t be hard to find Camels in Londonistan )

    A couple of stabbings, but not of the Turkey kind, and featuring a Semtex Vested Burka Babe taking out the Queen Vic.?

    I have so many ideas for Eastenders. Usually bloodthirsty and wholly inappropriate for daytime viewing, but never mind, threse always thay other Xmas Fuckfest at Correr’s.

    • A fucking hilarious read CQB! And no doubt a true reflection of the box morons addiction to orchestrated shite!

  12. Up North we still think of cockneys as Arfur Mullard an Babs Windsor types eating eels and drinking watneys,
    Or Dave Angel from the Fast Show.

    But in reality your modern day cockneys are your Saddiqs and Shamimas.
    More time in the mosque than the Queen Vic.

    All the Gor Blimey types moved out years ago,
    With their west Ham sticker books, pork pie hats, Chas &Dave Albums, an jam Roly poly.

    I’ve never been a fan of EastEnders the show.
    That awful accent gives me indigestion.


  13. The least they could do is put it on later, after 10 or something and include swearing like wot proper landannerrrs is like and no mistake. Or just cancel the fucking lot. Hollyoaks does have some decent fluff in it though. Swmbo worships this dross.

    • Eastenders shouldve been post watershed for years. It’s the shouting and domestic tear-ups showing adult life is full of tears and tantrums.

      A bad example to children who see this and then mimic it in their play time.

  14. Only briefly watched it if it’s on when i walk in the Lounge. It looks incredibly grim to me, it’s been filmed in Sepia to add more grimness to it. What i have noticed is people can’t go five words without having a row with each other . Awful show

  15. The show where they all live in half a million pound houses in a London square, but nobody has a washing machine.
    They all go to the launderette.

    Everyone drinks in the local pub.
    Blacks, whites, Pakistanis and homosexuals.

    Every wedding day ends up as a total disaster.

    I don’t think that anyone has actually smiled on the programme since 1983.

    It can’t go on forever.
    Someone has got to stop this shit!

    Mrs Cunter is made to watch this crap on her own TV.

    • Spot on.
      In reality the pub would have closed and the launderette would have changed into a madrasa school

  16. It’s had more murders than a Crips and Bloods Christmas knees up. Fack off you caaaaannnt.

  17. Not really realistic is it? You ever heard anyone say ” NO WOT I FAKKIN MEEN!”

    • Yes, daahhhn ‘ere in da sarf, usually in asda, or chavda as i call it.

  18. Not realistic at all.

    I’m from the East End.
    I never knew the names of any of my neighbours and they didn’t know me.

    Not because I am a miserable cunt, that’s just the way things are in the city.
    Everyone ignores everyone else.

    The cockney slang that they use on the programme is either wrong or made up.

    “Your ‘aving a Turkish”
    “Got to have some grub, I’m hank marvin”


    • Ank Marvin, starving, deffo heard that in my youth when I was in Ees Larndon. E17

      • Hank Marvin?

        He was in the late ’50’s band, The Shadows!

        Cockney rhyming slang pre-dates him by a long way.

        I have never heard anyone say that until the mockney cunt Danny Dyer invented it.

        Either I am much older than you or you are having a giraffe.

        (Which is something else that no Londoner has ever said).

  19. Buggered if I can find it on-line, but I recall a Viz comic advert featuring Leslie Grantham, a shotgun and these German taxi drivers being fired out of a clay pigeon machine.

  20. Does Kaff still work in the caff?

    I remember laughing my tits off when Ian Beale suddenly became a long haired bearded tramp for a few weeks because he was traumatised over some nonsensical story.

    Dirty riddled tramp Cat Slater as a football coach for a few episodes once.

    Some ugly charmless fella called Max who has to carry a stick around with him to fend off the women who seemed to throw themselves at him.

    Sharon Watts – the blond bombshell who resembles a bison in a dress stood up on its hind legs.

    Pint sized former alcoholic crack head Phil Mitchell – the most unconvincing hard man in television history.

    I don’t watch EastEnders (honestly) but unfortunately I’ve been subjected to dribs and drabs of it over the years because the Mrs and my mother often watch said shite.

    Good Afternoon.

    • Famous cockneys

      Guy Ritchie
      Jack the Ripper
      Jamie Oliver
      Damon Alburn
      Dick van Dyke.

      An naughty likkle pistol fingers, oi oi! Hello John gotta new motor Danny Dyer, innit treacle?

      Born bow legged at the bells or some shite.

      • Albarn is a posh cunt from Colchester. He plays at being cockney and started supporting ‘Ver Chelsea’ when the Premier League started.

        The little twat likes to think he’s Ray Davies.

    • “Sharon Watts – the blond bombshell who resembles a bison in a dress stood up on its hind legs.”

      Ha ha – quote of the month. That’s precisely what she resembles.

      • Hardly any fit ‘uns in Walford ever. Samantha Janus (Ronnie Mitchell). Kim Medcalf (Sam Mitchell Mk II) and Michelle Ryan (Zoe Slater) are the only ones I can think of…

    • Why do the women watch this dross, then in a dour mood whether you take the piss out of it or not? It’s miserable and not even realistic, with a fuck-ugly cast.

  21. I am from London but can’t stand this dogshite tripe. I used to watch it when I had a hard days work and needed something to mong out and dribble at, although Zoe Slaaaaater was something worth dribbling at (Michelle Ryan) and still is, at a fuckable age of 39 – yum!

    However, Cuntantion St. Hollycunt, Emercunt is all for one thing, advertisers.

    Our TV is full of fucking shite these days, nothing original.

    Wannabee fucktards on Love Island Cunt, wannabee chefs on Mastercunt, wannabee bakers on Great British Baking Cunt and what I can’t stand is Repair Cunt, cheeky chappy geezers fixing things.

    Some old dear with an original 1901 dildo that has broken over time from being inserted into many dry holes is suddenly restored to former glory for her to use on Bertie, her 90 year old husband.

  22. Last time I saw an episode some drippy cunt called ‘Lofty’?? Was proposing to someone. It was fucking shite then and I cannot imagine it’s got any better!

    • Wasn’t Lofty a window cleaner?

      He must have been a fucking good one to either pay his mortgage on a £500.000 house or the rent of £2.500 a month on it.

  23. Isn’t Eastenders graced with the royal presence of the true King of England, His Majesty St Danny the Dyer? The man with more royal ancestors (including a saint) than all the crowned heads of Europe put together. Surprised it hasn’t got a royal warrant.

  24. Saw it once when they were being socially responsible and banging on about “Anally Induced Death Sentence ” when it was all the rage trying to convince people it was a heterosexual caught thing, never seen it again or any other of it’s ill, rather burn me pubic hair off with an oxy acetylene torch.

    • They’d probably have to put a trigger warning on it today in case any Oxbridge students saw it in the students’ union and became traumatised.

  25. The Eastenders is trapped in a some warp. Nathan Barley on Channel 4 i was more like the modern east end. Hipsters on scooters and web design offices and Cafes run by miserable cunts who think they’re in an Ingmar Bergman film.
    I pointed this out to both the family and an ex but they persisted until even they said it was getting woke.

    I don’t think ive seen it since the Masoods.

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