Shexit (Shetland Islands)

We can all do with a bit of light relief in these trying times, so hats off to the good burghers of the Shetland Islands for giving it to us, via a real poke in the eye for those twats in the SNP.

Shetlanders, who have never been keen on the notion of Scottish independence from the UK, seem to be increasingly frustrated by the attitude of the Holyrood parliament.

Concerned at what they see as the ‘hoarding of power and money’* by Holyrood, and cuts in funding to the islands, councillors in Lerwick have voted overwhelmingly to pursue self-determination.

Apparently this would effectively involve becoming a self-governing Crown dependency along the lines of Jersey and the Isle of Man, thereby remaining part of the UK whatever the future governance of Scotland turns out to be.

Oh the delicious irony of it. It’s audacious and hilarious. So come on Wee Jimmy Krankie, let’s hear the SNP’s position on this. After all, you and your Westminster mouthpiece Ian ‘Bloater’ Blackford do nothing but bleat on incessantly about how ‘the democratic aspirations of people must be met’. Why aren’t you endorsing the Shetlanders’ call for a referendum on the proposal?. Perhaps you’re troubled by the paradox of how you can keep Scotland together whilst trying your utmost to tear it out of the UK?. Who’s next, the Orkney Islands, perhaps?

Mmm, silence has been the deafening reply so far… go on Krankie, put that in your bagpipes and fucking smoke it.

* approximate translation into English; ‘it’s Shetland’s fookin’ oil!’.

Nominated by: Ron Knee 

The Puritanical Guardian (12)

Once a-fucking-gain.

Since the advent of the Kung Flu, folk around the world have been in various varieties of lockdown, and The Guardian has been releasing a steady stream of articles along the lines of ‘how I gave up drinking in lockdown’, and ‘how lockdown taught me I didn’t really enjoy alcohol’ blah blah blah you get the idea, and just in case you don’t, the killjoy miserablist New Puritans of The Guardian are not-so-subtly spelling it out: you should give up the booze.

If I were of a nasty suspicious turn of mind, I would imagine that they were perusing this argument so that we can all the better accommodate a certain non-drinking religion of peace, but as a man who enjoys a good bourbon it doesn’t really matter to me why they want what they want, because they can get to fuck, and once they get there, they can fuck off all over again.

Nominated by: Chimp Licker 

Nosey Neighbourhood Cunts

Time to nominate yet another curtain twitching prick. I’ve probably mentioned before that the family QDM live on a street with just five other houses on it. It’s a nice street. It’s a quiet street. And most of us are friends. Excluding this year, we’ve had a street party for VE and VJ days, took it in turns hosting barbies, it’s been great. But a couple of years ago, a couple who I would say are in their sixties moved onto the street and quickly became known as “Les Miserables”. They think the fact they own a house here, means that they own the street. Literally.

The day after they moved in, the rest of us received a printed letter. It contained, a short, initial introduction and then a list of things they would not tolerate. They didn’t want schoolgirls or young women walking past their house in mini skirts (which prompted one male neighbour to buy a mini skirt and a crop top and walk up and down in front of their house for an hour, while flicking the V’s. Not a pretty sight, but fucking hilarious. They didn’t want the smell of barbecues getting in their house. They didn’t want to see people talking on the PUBLIC pavement outside their house. They didn’t want to hear music played loudly, or to hear parties. Basically, their nickname is well earned.

Those of us who have daughters have received letters of complaint, because said daughters dared to exercise their freedom to choose what clothes they wear. We’ve had solicitors letters, threatening legal action because they got the smell of barbecues in their house and could hear parties (all the parties were indoors, so unless they were spying on us, there’s no way they could have heard. Basically, they’re the biggest pains in the arse, ever. And those are only a small number of examples. The’ve even called police when we had our last street party. Unfortunately for them, the council were informed and approved it. We’re Cul-de Sac, so we weren’t disrupting traffic.

Well today Thursday 10th September they excelled themselves for cuntishness. This morning, we all came down to find printed letters stating that if we seen breaking the new Flu Manchu restrictions by meeting in groups of more than six, we will be reported to the police. I’ve just sent the one that was in our post box with my own addition, “shove it up your ass, you nosey cunts”. I’m told other neighbours have done similar. This is why I’m against the so called ‘Covid Marshalls’. You can guarantee that they’ll be cut from the same cloth as Les Miserables.

What is it with people like this? Are their lives so devoid of fun and happiness that they have to try to spoil other people’s fun? Cunts

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Willie Walsh: boss of British Wankways (2)

A greedy Fat Cat, I’ve had all the cream, cunting for British Airways ‘Boss’ Willie Walsh.

While coronavirus has grounded most planes & passenger numbers fell by 98%, BA’s finances are in freefall. Thousands of pilots, crew & ground staff are being sacked or forced to take substantial pay cuts.

Walsh, meanwhile is taking a £833,000 annual ‘bonus’ which brings his 2019 BA salary to an eye watering £3.2 Million.

During his last 9 years in charge, he has pocketed £33 Million in salary & bonuses.

His parting gift to his disgruntled employees is to axe 12,000 staff, and to impose new contracts on those that remain, that include a clause where BA can ask staff to stay at home for indefinite periods, unpaid, if the airline deems it so. Sounds like a fancy way of putting all the staff on Zero Hour contracts to me.

What a massive Cunt !

Nominated by: Lord of the Rings 

The XR Rainbow Surfer

Can I have a “I’m here for the trees, the bees, the seas, and the cats” cunting for the “ Rainbow surfer.

No, I’d never heard of this cunt either, but he’s made the news recently at a “ reparation rebellion “ protest.

Apparently, XR are joining farces with Black Lies Matter cunts and targeted Lloyd’s in Londonistan, because slavery was apparently “ manufactured and nurtured there.”

He was detained so the rozzers could issue him a fine for breach of COVID legislation related to organising mass gatherings.

He said,” I don’t understand your authority, I’m here for the trees, the bees, the seas, and the cats” . Why he mentions cats I have no idea, but then, he is a man of substantial cuntitude.

He was subsequently arrested for trying to walk away, which he was warned against.
The rozzers lead him away to a van and asked “ what’s your name “ to which this cunt of cunts replied “ you can refer to me as the Rainbow Surfer”.

Not only is he/it a cunt for being part of the Eco fascist XR, but the cunt was wearing a top hat, his face whitewashed, but he was wearing what looked like a fucking dress. Utter, utter cunt.

Nominated by: Cuntington Smythe