**Breaking News**
Following on from another abject batting display by England in the second Ashes test, the England and Wales Cricket Board has issued the following statement;
‘Having taken advice from Sir David Attenborough, the ECB is urgently looking to recruit a team of jellyfish to augment the squad in Australia, as Sir David believes that they will display more spine than the current team. Any jellyfish prepared to embark for Australia at short notice should contact the Board asap’.
A spokesman for No 10 has confirmed that Boris Johnson is to convene a meeting of the COBRA committee, to determine whether the team should be recalled in order to prevent further humiliation to the nation. ‘The SAS and RAF have been placed on 24 hour standby, in case it’s decided that an emergency rescue and evacuation is necessary to stop further slaughter’, said the spokesman.
When asked for his views on the matter, cricket legend Sir Geoffrey Boycott snarled ‘it’s a bit o’ rubbish, is this England team; cannon fodder, nowt else. Aussies are pissin’ on us chips. This lot wouldna ‘ave bin paaaayed in t’ leather washers in t’maaah day, t’big girls’ blouses’.
Stay tuned for further updates as the situation develops.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
And there’s more. This time from Cuntybollocks
The Ashes Test series
This is something I look forward to every two years. The current series is taking place in Australia, and England have managed to give Australia the series win before half the alloted playing time has been completed. Believe me, that means it was a fucking slaughter.
I think our test team should only play blind and spaccy teams from now, so the can be competitive. It’s been a fucking embarrassment.
I also want to cunt the Aussies too, for patronising the ‘indigenous’ Aussie they put in their team (an ‘Abo’ I think. I didn’t realise until they said so. I just thought he was an ugly cunt). The Aussie team were chasing him around, mobbing him and slapping his back, even between overs and even if he hadn’t taken a wicket.
The cunt played well to be fair, but it just felt like the Aussie crowd and the team were treating him a bit like ‘Ooh who’s a clever little monkey boy then?’
Maybe the ground staff messed with the pitch too before we batted and made sure it was flat when they batted? Or stole our team’s bats and replaced them with wonky ones? You never know with a country made up of the offspring of convicts, I suppose. Yes, these grapes are fucking sour.
Still, well played Australia, but I’d put the England team in the stocks on their return (apart from maybe Root, Malan and Anderson).
And well played that ugly abo cunt. No need to patronise him like that though, FFS.
