Well, we’ve all done it, haven’t we.

”Lawyer dies from gunshot wound after MRI machine caused gun to go off”

Yes, you nip to the hospital to get an MRI scan for your mother and fuck me, you go in the scanner room which works on the principle of a huge magnetic field, and forget you have a loaded, primed gun on you.

I am going to have to complain to my local hospital about their lack of diligence. I had a scan some years ago and nowhere was there any notice that guns should be left at reception. It’s a fucking disgrace.

MSN News Link

Nominated by Cuntsable Cuntbubble

I’m sure we’ve read the recent announcement of Shell’s record-breaking £32bn pre-tax profits for 2022.

Inevitably there was outrage from the usual suspects, and rightly so. More so given that most of their profits was generated either directly or indirectly with the ongoing war in the Ukraine, oil embargos to Russia and the massive spike in energy prices throughout last year.

Wishy Washy’s Windfall Tax only generated roughly £110m from Shell’s profits, although that is expected to rise to around £420m this year. The £110m tax compares quite poorly to the EU’s equivalent tax on Shell of £430m for 2022.

Opposition parties, unions, poverty groups and eco-loons want the Windfall tax threshold increased not only for Shell but other Big Oil companies that announce record profits of a similar nature.

Shell also issued dividends to shareholders of some £5.1bn on the back of those profits, some of which went towards topping up private investment portfolios and private pensions. But again critics argued how ethical it is for private investors in Big Oil to profit while millions of households struggle with energy and food bills, along with thousands of Ukrainian and Russian people dying in the conflict..

The only good thing about Shell, is that last year they moved their HQ from the Netherlands to London. Not that it got much media attention probably because it would have bolstered support for the Brexit argument.

The Big Oil companies are indeed cunts for profiting on global conflicts. But that’s business and the basic concept of supply and demand.

The windfall tax as it currently stands is just a piss in a vast ocean and does little or nothing to either relieve some of the pain millions of ordinary people are going through, or boosting the Treasury’s coffers to help pay our crippling debts.

Guardian News Link

Nominated by: Technocunt

I am sick of Sunak doing soft-as-shit Starmer and Cooper’s work for them, “asylum seekers” from some of the most dangerous areas of the world with some of the most violent criminals, and they are being “nodded through” to reduce the waiting lists, because “95%” of the gimmigrants are granted asylum, but it begs the question of what the other 5% might get up to.

BBC News Link

Nominated by W.C. Boggs.

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More on the same topic by Ferrars below.

I nominate the Current soft shit approach to the Dinghy invaders!

As reported in the Daily Express/Mail Thursday 23/2/23. It seems that Sunak has devised a cunning plan to solve the current migrant crisis.

Sunak ( Brain of Britain ) has devised a 32 question application to assist in the rapid process of their acquisition of property, benefits, residency and all that this country has to offer.

It seems that the questionnaire almost guarantees admission , and will clear the enormous backlog of cases.

My question is. What are we allowing claimants who are here illegally to progress any application to remain ?

Sunak is certainly a slimy piece of Punkah Wallah Shit.

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Another cunter’s view on the same subject this time by Ron Knee.

The Government’s been claiming that it would do something to tackle illegal immigration for years. We’ve all heard the rhetoric; ‘crackdown… new hard line… blah’. Now we’re told that the problem has reached ‘crisis proportions’. No fucking shit Sherlock.

Well I’m pleased to learn that Rishi ‘Baldrick’ Sunak and his Merry Men have devised a cunning plan which no doubt will throw a spanner in the works of the smuggling gangs and their clients, but good and proper.

It appears that the powers-that-be have at last come up with a sure-fire method of deterrence. They’re going to put a near insurmountable barrier in the way of *ahem* ‘refugees’ in their quest to ensure indefinite free board and lodging at the tax-payers’ expense. Applicants are going to be forced to, er, fill in a 32 page questionnaire.

No doubt waves of despair are already sweeping through the camps in France as would-be boaters see that the jig is up and prepare to head for Sweden instead. Get-rich-quick lawyers will be throwing up their hands in horror at such a flagrant breach of yooman rights.

Isn’t this is just such a British way of addressing the problem though? Don’t know what to do to sort the mess out? I know, let’s create yet another layer of bureaucracy. That’s really going to make it look as though we’re getting tough and protecting the interests of the British people…

You’ve really cracked it this time Rishi. You’re a shoe-in at the next election.

Daily Mail News Link

There’s this cunt (this time white and English) who has started on the dialysis unit.
And the thing with this old cunt (he’s not actually that old, he just looks it) is he’s a motor mouth pain in the arse who’ll do anything for attention. For a start, he literally ‘squeals’ when the needles go into his arm. Straight up, he screams like a girl and he isn’t ashamed of it. No man should scream when injected with a needle. Of course, he does this to get attention and sympathy.

Then the fucker natters on ‘outgoing’ crap to any staff member who will listen. Not any sort of rapport (and even a grumpy cunt like me has formed a couple of friendships with staff), it’s just endless ‘Aren’t I a chirpy cheeky chappie?’ bullshit. He will say any old crap to get noticed, and -needless to say – a lot of them see him as a ‘character’. When in actual fact he’s a bore and a pain in the arse. Four hours next to him is like having teeth pulled, by the Gestapo.

Then, he also has this extremely annoying habit of ‘yawning’ consecutively. It’s put on, of course. The fucker makes a short yawning sound three or four times. It sounds like the ‘Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha’ part of the Bee Gees’ ‘Stayin Alive’ on slow speed. This twat does this every other minute and he does it very loudly. If I wasn’t wired up to a machine today, I’d have been tempted to deck him. Of course, he also does this to get noticed.

Another thing I heard him say today to a nurse was ‘I do like attention.’
Yeah, I’ve fucking noticed.

I’ll tell you what, I bet Beethoven was glad when he went deaf.

Nominated by Noman

In the dead of darkest night, the door of a crypt in Islington has creaked open, and out has staggered the decaying political corpse of Jeremy Corbyn. I think it’s fair to say that he’s not a happy zombie.

IsAC readers will be aware that The Jezza is currently suspended from Labour Party membership, and meantime sits as an independent in the House of Commons.

Now Labour leader Sir Weird Charmer has stated that Jezza will not be allowed to stand as an official Labour candidate at the next election, a decision that has left the People’s Champion with a popping vein in his forehead.

‘I’ve championed the rights of the proletariat and champagne socialists in Islington North for nigh on a hundred years’ raged the Mickey Mouse Marxist yesterday, or possibly the day before. ‘I won’t be elbowed aside by our vain and inglorious so-called leader. It’s for the party apparatchiks of the People’s Republic of Islington to decide on their candidate, not some cunt who can’t even get off the fence on the issue of whether or not a woman can have a cock’.

Acolytes of the two time election losing former leader were quick to leap to his defence. Jezza’s erstwhile squeeze Diane Abbott claimed that Charmer was a former friend who now wanted to get him kicked out of the party. ‘He’s a former friend who now wants to get him kicked out of the party’, fumed Abbott yesterday, or possibly the day before. ‘I’m so mad that this morning, I put my shoes on the wrong feet, and my drawers on back to front’ she fizzed, before adding ruefully ‘mind you, that’s not an unusual occurrence on my part innit’.

Clearly Jezza isn’t going to take this lying down and will likely challenge Charmer’s decision, leading to chaos while we all look on gleefully. So let the rumble in the Islington jungle commence. It’s Weird ‘Brylcreem Boy’ Charmer v Jeremy ‘Stings Like a Bee’ Corbyn.

Seconds out, round one *clang*

Express News Link

Nominated by: Ron Knee