Gavin plumb. Who dat you ask..

He is the fat, wheezy, heart attack waiting to happen security guard, who was going to kidnap holly willobore..

A 35 stone fantasist, planned to kidnap, rape and murder her.
Seeing as he probably hasn’t seen his winky in a good long while, he is not off to a good start..

Apparently gav had assembled a abduction kit..
Composing of a 12 piece kfc bucket,10 greggs sausage rolls and a diet coke..

Mr plumb pudding aslo had 10,000 photos of Holly on his phone..
One would of sufficed as she only has one expression, surprise..

Though she would of been surprised if professor plump had climbed over her outer wall.

The walrus couldn’t drive and would get out of breathe looking at a pair of running shoes..

Forget locking him up, just strap him to a treadmill, he will be gone in 60 seconds..

ITV News.

Nominated by : Barry zuckercunt

Just when you thought this four yearly wankfest and the BBC’s all expenses paid jolly for its staff couldn’t get any worse, they come up with this.

BBC News.

Yes indeed. That we’ll known sporting hero and Olympian, Fred Sirieix has been invited to enjoy BBC hospitality at our expense at this year’s event. How does a reality tv nonentity qualify to be a member of the commentary team at this global event, I hear you ask? We’ll, his daughter is part of the GB diving team, and erm….that’s about it. At least it gets the numbers up and gives the Paris hospitality sector a massive boost.

This from the beebs director of sport….
“ People can tune in to live coverage morning, noon and night, following all the biggest sporting moments as they happen.”

Whoopedey doo! I can’t fucking wait!

Nominated by : Field Marshal Cuntgomery

A deux added by Chuff Chugger:

i second this nom. on the basis the bbc have realised the olympics are based in france so have thought to themselves we need someone french…as you do (not) and this Fred non entity came up in some sort of pissed up discussion. in my opinion they should have used the policeman from allo allo…..far more convincing

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met heaps of Ukrainians in the UK who have come from the Donbass and have lost their homes thanks to bombs. Most are superb.

Tonight, tho – me and the wife get a BBQ going. Across the road, they get loud, lairy, decide to have a fight. I go outside and shout “shut the fuck up!” in Russian at 23:00 because, erm, work tomorrow …

… Now they decided I’m the problem for using a “triggering language.”

Nominated by : Cuntis_Cuntis

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s climate correspondent Ron Knee reporting to you from the roof of IsAC House, where the temperature is a scorching 20 degrees. I’m joined by IsAC’s weather girl Janice Tittyss, who has a special message to pass on to you all. Welcome Janice, and may I say that you’ve got a splendid warm front on display today”.

*Giggle, slaps arm* “Oh you are a cheeky boy! Yes, I have a special message and some tips to pass on. It could be particularly hot over the next few days as a couple of high pressure points appear, so everyone should take particular care. Keep your house cool by closing your curtains. When you go outside, cover up, wear a high factor sun screen and look for shade. Drink plenty of water throughout the day”.

“Mmm… well intended advice I’m sure my dear, but a bit nannying, don’t you think?. I mean, anyone with a grain of sense knows to do these things anyway. Anybody with no sense won’t pay attention no matter how often they’re told. A bit of a pointless waste of time in effect”.

“I know Ron, but it’s all part of the job. Keeps me in those tight tops and miniskirts you admire so much *snigger* “.

“True my dear, very true. I’m sure that our followers will take your points to heart. And speaking on that subject, I suggest that we retire to the basement, where I can examine those high pressure points of yours at my leisure…”.

“Oh you are a one *giggle* “. Mumsy made me promise always to be good. Am I?”.

“Certainly my dear *lecherous sneer* you’re always very good indeed. Erm, this is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you very quickly to the studio”.

express

Nominated by Ron Knee.

A reminder that people who leave kids and dogs in cars on hot days are cunts.

I’ve never read a report so tragic.
How the fuck do you “forget” your kiddie in the car seat?

Daily Fail

Also, “nipping into the shop” can have similar results, when it’s hot. Would you pop your dog/baby/toddler into a hot oven for a “nip into the loo”?

Of course not.

Death penalty, obviously.

Nominated by Jeezum Priest, brief follow up from Barry zuckercunt below.

Been in their care for two months, probably got bored of her.
If you read the story, house like a zoo, always doing something else..

Lock them in a furnace for a couple of hours..

Daily Fail 2