As the old crimper’s gag goes:

“ ‘Ere now I gotta wear a pair of knickers on me barnet”
“Why?”
“You’ve cut it like a cunt”

Thus hairstyle maketh the man. Point is this cozening cunt deliberately scruffs up his barnet for the camera. Must think it makes him look like a man orf the people, not the over privileged spawn orf Eton that he in fact is. However nothing can mask the beaky nose and the greedy rapacious eyes. “Me me first” Boris.

Blighty has a Foreign Secretary that looks like a shambling pervert and a demented hunch back Prime Minister from the Brothers Grimm, the Downing Street House of Horrors. Write your own cast list. Who needs Gun Boats when we have Boris to frighten the natives. Trouble is these days the natives just tell the dosser cunt to fuck off and do your flies up. As a diplomat (first requirement on the job description) he is a disaster and is rightly regarded as an international joke.

Recall those heady days after Cameron fucked himself for the leadership and Johnson and Gove knifed each other in the back to let May through. Much talk orf Johnson’s debating skills and speech making prowess. Transpires the cunt literally sounds like he is talking out of his arse – “Pop pop flubber flubber fluster oh shit yahoo raspberry”.

Puffing posturing cunt courts the media until one orf his regular cock-ups obliges him to hide his cowardly arse. Then he allegedly indulges in “extramarital adulterous liaisons”(quote courtesy the Appeal Court), love child ect ect until the all clear sounds. Perfect credentials to hold one orf the highest offices of state.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

I would like to nominate John Cleese for a cunting. It saddens me to have to do this, because like a lot of people, I’m a big fan of Monty Python. However, it seems that age has turned a once funny man, into a petulant little twat. Prior to the vote on the amendment to the Data Protection Bill, Cleese tweeted that if the vote was lost, and the free press not shackled (he didn’t use those exact words), he would quit the UK, because he didn’t want to live in an England where “people live in fear of the Daily Mail”. Aww diddums. The fact is, the only people who really have anything to fear, from the Daily Mail or any other newspaper, are those who are doing something they shouldn’t. To grandly announce that you’ll quit the UK if the press isn’t subjected to ludicrously tighter controls, is a sure sign that you’re a cunt.

It remains to be seen whether Cleese will make good on his promise. Personally, I think he’ll do the same thing that all those US celebrities did, after threatening to leave the US if Donald Trump was elected President, nothing. Naturally, now the amendment has been voted out, people are starting to take the piss out of Cleese. And I’m afraid the only way he can avoid looking like the cunt he is, is to make good on his threat and fuck off. I suggest you try China, John, they hate the press over their. And Tai Chi is very good for people your age.

On a lighter note, I’m currently enjoying a glass of whiskey and a cigar, the thought of press hating cunts like Gary Lineker, Hugh Grant, Steve Coogan, Tom Watson, Ed Miliband, Max Moseley, etc, all frothing at the mouth because they have once again failed to have Sovietesque restraints placed on the press. Long may it continue. Incidentally, I forgot to add this in my Tom Watson/Ed Miliband nomination, but prior to the vote, Miliband disingenuously claimed in an interview that journalists had posed as medical staff in order to get information after the Manchester Arena attack. These allegations were investigated a while ago, and not a shred of evidence was found to support them. So fuck you Ed, you donkey toothed cunt.

Nominated by, Quick Draw McGraw

Well it’s finally happened, you can’t have women in bikinis in a beauty contest because it objectifies them. Can you fucking well believe the hypocrisy?

We all know where this is headed, next year it will be the hijab and the year after it will be the full yashmak.

Then we”ll get the blubbermensch,the trannies and the disfigured and before too long you’ll have the ultimate inclusive pageant.

That brings up the old joke :
Question : Did you see who won the “Miss Serbia” beauty contest last night?
Answer: Nobody, there wasn’t even a runner up

Nominated by Paul Ya Plonker

Tourists

Not every tourist is a cunt. When I go on holiday, I’m a bloody tourist. Whether the locals think I’m a cunt is up to them; I’m not too bothered. I go on holiday to sit on a beach with the hope of looking like a sun-dried tomato when I return home. I don’t go on holiday to make people’s lives a misery with my obnoxious behaviour, oversized backpack and wank selfie stick. However, as I mentioned before, not all tourists are cunts; just a vast majority of them.

First of all we have the boozy Brit cunts. I’m ashamed to be from the same island as these fuckers. A mix of obese beer-bellied arses, randy used-up old slappers and arrogant jacked-up Danny Dyer wannabe pricks. All from rough council estates and on benefits. The locals must despair of them.

Then we have the stereotypical Yank tossers with their straw hats, binoculars round their necks, distasteful Hawaiian shirts, cargo shorts and not forgetting the socks with sandals combo. A whole gang of them clustered round Leicester Square or outside Fuckingham Palace. Huge Canon cameras and oversized maps to hand, obviously.

The worst of all are the fucking Chinks and Jap bastards. Endless groups of them and they are fucking everywhere. Taking pictures of everything from a pavement pizza outside the local pub to a homeless bloke who’s just overdosed on smack and is mid-seizure. This country is plagued with foreigners. Everywhere you look there is at least one. Sometimes I go out thinking I’m in a different country altogether. Fuck off.

Nominated by, Jayniño