You’re sitting comfortably, enjoying a film. Perhaps it’s a thriller, and the tension is building. The hero and heroine are on the run through the forest, with the bad guys in hot pursuit. Then it happens. The heroine trips and slides, screaming ‘arrrgh, my ankle!’. Or perhaps they make it to a track, where a conveniently placed car is conveniently open, a key conveniently located behind the sun visor. Our hero desperately tries to start the engine. Cough goes the engine, whirr, whirr, whirr… He pounds the steering wheel, yelling ‘come on! come on!’. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.
Perhaps it’s a western. The piano in the saloon tinkles merrily, and there’s a buzz of noise. The doors swing open, and in swaggers a lean, mean hombre, Lee Van Cleef style. The noise dies and the piano jangles uncertainly to a halt. ‘Whisky’ growls the black hat. Whether he’s given a glass or a bottle, he reaches into his vest pocket and produces a single coin, which he declines to hand to the barkeep; instead he throws it down on the bar. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.
Perhaps it’s a cop drama. Maverick cop is chasing the killer down an alley. The bad lot promptly climbs up the nearest metal fire escape, discharging twenty rounds from a revolver in the process, in order to allow himself to be cornered on the roof of the building. He falls off the roof in the ensuing fight and crashes to his death on the sidewalk, as sirens wail in the distance. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.
Now clichéd scenarios are bad enough, but clichéd dialogue is even worse. Maverick cop; ‘just gimme fordy eight hours, black lootenant!’. Black lootenant; ‘ya got twenny four, now ged outta my office!’. Here are a few other of my ‘favourite’ bits of worn out dialogue;
– None of this makes any sense!
– Get outta town by sundown (could you be more specific? Say by half seven?)
– What is it you want from me?
– Try to get some sleep now
– Everything’s gonna be just fine! (to dying character)
– You set me up! You set me UP!
– We’re done here (spoken exclusively by sharp suited female lawyer)
– I don’t have time for this!
Welcome to the world of the film cliché. Yes folks, you’ve seen and heard these tired, lazy contrivances on many occasions. They’ve done their best to ruin many an otherwise decent film, and the next time you see a fight on a train, you can bet your boots that the protagonists will end up on the roof, leaping from carriage to carriage. They’re the default option for the unimaginative scriptwriter and the plodding director, and they are indeed a cunt. Let’s get outta here.
*Addendum to bad guys in California*
Never, under any circumstances, lock up The A Team in a cluttered garage, on the understanding that you’ll ‘deal with them later’.
Nominated by Ron Knee
