In these trying times most of us have started online shopping in the hope of receiving a home delivery of much needed items.

I have left the logistics of this in the capable hands of MRS B as she has updated our delivery slot every night for the past two weeks.

I have left this in her hands due to our dietary differences, I am quite happy to chow down on hard tack and beer for months on end without a lettuce leaf in site.

Any way I must admit that i had been a little concerned when she started to mention the cost of said shop (almost 4 times our normal weekly shop) and I was getting a little nervous each time a Chinook flew close fearing that it may be our delivery.

Well I was not fucking wrong was I, like all of you I have a fridge freezer (not to be confused with a tardis) and when the knock on the door came even I was surprised at the volume of food piled up on the door step by the poor delivery bloke.

One of the first things to cross my mind was how the fuck are we going to store that lot, remember veg is low cost and high bulk and we could now very easily open our own street stall with the amount of veg we have should we want too.

The next problem was where to put the stuff, repurposing the hall way cupboard as a root veg cellar and piling dry goods on top of cupboards (at the same time examining some of the old stuff, Pineapple chunks, an impulse buy from a few years a go that have probably followed us through 3 house moves).

To be honest the flat looks like Del Trotter’s place I have no idea what to do.

Fuck on line shopping.

Nominated by Lord Benny

A cunting for this slippery, choirboy adoring, catholic clergyman.

This humble man of God, an advisor to the pope, has had his conviction for paedophilia overturned by High Court Australian judges.

A full bench of seven judges ruled unanimously in Cardinal Pell’s favour, finding the jury had not properly considered all the evidence presented at the trial.

Let’s ignore the evidence of the alleged victims, and the jury’s verdict because clearly everyone has been misled in this case, and only the judges can be right.

The funny hand shake consortium strikes again.

Nominated by Duke of Cuntshire

What a cunt this is. Thanks again, China. I’m scared of my own fucking skin now.

Yes, I find not touching my face almost impossible. I get ‘sleep’ (eye bogies) in my eyes. Proper crusty irritating ones. Especially when I wake up, but they can grow during the day. I get an itchy nose, cheek or forehead quite often. I’m not riddled with scabies I just get little itches.

Yes, thanks again China, I have to run away from my own fucking face now or wash my hands frantically every time I forget the ‘rules’ and scratch my conk. Does it affect your nob in the same way?

Asking for a friend.

Nominated by Cuntybollocks

May I please nominate that purile arse irritant Piers Morgan ! The Clown Gobshite know all about fuck all, who indulges his mouthwash each and every fucking morning on that horrific cunt of a programme watched by fucking wimmin!
Piers must be the ultimate hippocritical fifty faced twat, and it is that kind of cunt that I would like to take a bat to!

During the current crisis, this twat has bellowed enormous amounts of know all fuck all shite across our breakfast tables, and caused much annoyance to my pet budgie!

The sooner this goon gets a dose of something quite horrid the better, and his passage into history will mirror the passage of a mammoth turd en-route via the shit pipe to the sea!

Morgan, yer a cunt !

Nominated by Asimplearsehole

A lights-camera-action-where’s-Philip-Schofields-handbag?-duckie cunting please for man about the make-up mirror Morgan. At one time content to be a newspaper editor doctoring photographs to tie in with his view of things, these days the great man spends his time slagging off Alan Sugar and other minor TV stars, but today he has set his sights higher on politics:

Yes this flabby faced arsewipe wants a Conservative government to employ another flabby faced Labour arsewipe – the man who “put an end to boom and bust” and went over like the coward he was to tie us more firmly to the EU “after hours” when PM, to “help” the country. Broon meddling in government would be as advisable as having Jimmy Savile run a youth club.

Nominated by W.C.Boggs

A publicly funded cunting for the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. Laura has a little rant introducing a piece about Covid. She doesn’t like the language used, she doesn’t accept that the virus doesn’t discriminate, the virus hits the poor harder says Laura.

Life is a shit sandwich Laura, the more bread you have the less shit you have to taste.

I totally fail to understand how Laura can champion the poor on a salary of 250k that is financed by taking 157 quid or 13 quid a month away from families no matter there ability to pay.

Does Laura think someone dying from this virus suffers less if they have a few quid. Does Laura think people who worked hard all their lives because they were determined not to be poor, not to bring kids into a life of poverty should suffer more.

The fucking BBC has been nipping at the government since day one of this crises. Laura is like a movie critic, she can sit on her arse chomping popcorn commentating on the actions of others with impunity.

Some rich people are cunts Laura but here’s some breaking news for you woman. Many poor people make zero effort to improve their own lot, you and your ilk compound this problem by encouraging people to believe that they should sit on their fat arses do nothing, produce kids they can’t afford and it’s someone else’s fault.

This is a world crises and your Islington wine bar politics don’t belong in news reporting.

Fuck off Laura, you cunt

Nominated by Sixdog Vomit