I would like to give a cunting to self service checkouts.

I hate using these things and avoid them like the plague wherever possible. However, when I’m in a rush and out of 20 human checkouts, only two are open with half of humanity queueing for them, I cave in.

Oh what joy, as you shuffle your stuff from the basket, scan it and attempt to put it in those paper thin plastic bags. Bing, off goes that woman’s voice telling you there is an unexpected item in the miniscule bagging area. You mean my shopping you silly cunt? Now, I must wait for a real person to unblock the machine before carrying on. Next, the scanner doesn’t read the bar code despite numerous attempts. Argghhhh…and on it goes. Then, ‘Did you bring your own bags?’ No….’How many did you use?’ Eventually when it is time to pay – the only bit they really care about – the machine decides it doesn’t want feeding with my crumpled 20 pound note. Finally, I give up with using the readies and instead insert my flexible friend. Ahhh…finished.

Not only are supermarkets infested with these machines, even McDonald’s has got in on the act. Tap away at a screen to place your order and pay by plastic. Gone are the days of being greeted by “Would you like extra cholesterol with your fries?” or “How about diabetes with your bucket of Coke, sir?” from a human staff member.

Now the machines are taking over Terminator style. Do these businesses give us a discount for doing their work, reducing their wage bill and increasing their profits? Not a chance. They just lengthen the dole queue, laying off humans, for the taxpayer to pick up the tab.

Since, we the customers, have nothing better to do with our time, perhaps they would like us to unload a delivery truck or two on the way in, stack a few shelves as we wander around and tie a broom to our arses and sweep up as we leave.

Every little helps. Have a nice day. You cunts.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.