Leaf blowers

Cunting for leaf blowers and any fucking shitcunt that uses one.

Cunts start the fuckers up at stoopid o clock and proceed to blow leaves and dust from their fucking gardens and driveways out onto the street only for mother nature to blow the same fucking leaves and dust straight back as soon as said cunt with leaf blower turns his fucking back. But thats ok cos the cunts back at the same place and same fucking time a week later to go through the same fucking useless objective all over again.

Get a fucking rake you cunts, rake the fucking shit into a pile put the fucking shit into a bin bag and leave it for the fucking green recycling cunt to take away you fucking lazy bastards.

And the swish of a rake sounds lovely on a still autumn day.

Nominated by flexicunt

55 thoughts on “Leaf blowers

  1. I’d love one of these. Every autumn our garden is full of leaves and we don’t even have any fucking trees! This would blow the bastards back into the neighbouring gardens that DO have trees.

    • And am certain that, with a little ingenuity, an ignition system and a small tank of propane, they could be turned into a well-disguised rubbish “removal” tool…

      • I reckon a simply match would also work, although I reckon all my fences would go up with the leaves.

      • Crapologies !!

        I meant to put “rubbish” removal, rather than the other way round…

        I’s a cunt.

  2. It’s also the fact that people who use them tend to start at around 7.30am. Why?l for fucks sake?

    Having spend quite a few hours raking a huge amount of leaves this winter, I have wished for one on more than one occasion. Then again some asshole spent the whole Saturday next door using one and it was fucking annoying. At least I put all mine away. Can we cunt leaves? What am I talking about. Fuck I have to get up for work 🙁

    • 7:30? My old crusty-cunt neighbour gets her “man” to do this pansy sort of work, and he has no issue with starting the fucker at 21:00. Nice.
      Spare a thought for our grand-kids and the children next door? No fuck’em. Them leaves are going to have to go. As flexicunt says, to just over there in the corner where they can blow back again.

  3. Lazy cunts, these leaf blower wankers… Why can’t they use a rake and a sweeping brush?…

    And Jamie Carragher… A scouser? Spitting? Surely not?….

      • Sack the filthy red shite cunt. Keys and Gray went for having a laugh. This illiterate cunt has just proved what a low life scum bag he really is. Cunt.

      • My late father was a Liverpool through and through but he was ex military and a gentleman liked a beer and a tab and wouldn’t take any shit from anyone. And he abhorred spitting I remember him getting suspended at his job, used to work on the platform for the railway and some arsehole spat at my dad well his answer would be mine and I suspect most of you fellow cunters and that was a big right hand knocked the Cunt flat and when he was suspended because the chicken shit reported him to the old bill the management and other staff rallyed round my dad and the cctv was accidentally erased.
        Now he’d be sacked but he still would have flattened him.
        Spitting scouse cunt carragher should be sacked filthy cunt.

    • Surely a rake is quicker? I could see a small point if it was a vac type sucking up but how much control do you have blowing them about the place.

      None of my neighbours have one so far so can’t be sure but that probably as they all end up in my garden already causing problems with my grass and a hiding place for ticks & cat fleas to wait on my mutt passing by.

      • I don’t have any leaf bearing trees, only conifers so it pisses me off I’m grafting away lifting them thanks to neighbours either side who are busy ordering shit from Amazon.

        Thats the shit parcels the courier guys and the hermes hag bring to my door, they bang me up to take em in for the cunts who have fucked off to the garden centre for more shrubs & trees.

    • Caaaaam down caaaaaam down Norm. It’s not like he’s gone and murdered 39 innocent footie fans is it? Oh wait, the Scouse cunts already did that.

      If this gobshite doesn’t get fired for this, that will only tell us what we already know about Sly Sports.

      • The cunt talks like he’s gargling a mouthful of phlegm all the fuckin’ time.

        Can’t handle a bit of banter.
        Fucking cunt…

      • He obviously has a gob load ready at all times in case a kid asks for his autograph or someone goads him with maybe a scoreline or something similarly overstepping the mark.

  4. We have a Flymo GardenVac. It sucks the leafs into a big bag that we empty into the bin. Actually makes sense.

    What’s the point of a blower other than to (1) annoy the neighbours (2) blow them into your neighbours garden (3) blow them in to my pond where I have to fish them out again with a net.

    Waste of time and effort IMHO. Stupid idea.

    • When i bought my forge i had acre of garden looked like African game reserve, weeds and dry grass and brambles waist high, out with Swan Vesta , feck me that did burn quick all that was missing was leaping antelopes . The locals got a bit jittery but fuck em i hate gardening.

  5. Add strimmers to that, please. And chainsaws. And 50 cc 2-stroke scooters from which their youthful owners have removed the silencer baffles in the wholly mistaked belief that they (a) sound better and (b) go anything other than 5mph slower due to the loss of back pressure in the previously tuned exhaust tract.

    • Strimmers eh?. Whiny nauseating noisy fuckers. Takes forever to run the extension lead, re-route the extension lead around garden furniture ornaments flower-beds, etc, replace the poxy nylon cutter every 5,000 revs. Quicker to do it with shears.

      • I got a free one if those cunts with a shite mower I bought 10 years back, it made so much mess spraying cuttings everywhere. It took near four times longer to clean up than it did to strim n edge and the line feed jammed every two minutes.

        Tried a 2nd time, edging first which was marginally better. It has been hanging in the garage unused since.

        Hand shears win, having control over the cuttings and I couldn’t “accidentally” deal with a neighbour in a rage efficiently with a strimmer either.

  6. A former colleague once told me of an incident using a T shirt Canon. His neighbors 6 dogs frequently crapped in his garden. Gathering about 2 weeks worth of turds in a bucket, he wrapped the turds in quilted tissue paper and fired the lot towards an upstairs bedroom window of their house.he told me that the howls of horror reverberated right around the block for hours. No cunt could work out it out, and he never had any come back.

    • He doesn’t fancy a Eurostar to Brussels with a quick stop off at the city kennels, does he?

  7. We had a recently planted tree dug up and stolen from our garden.

    Fortunately it was spotted by a keen-eyed member of the public after we stapled a photo of the missing tree to a cat…

  8. Soon my semi rural peace will be shattered by the noises generated by hundreds of garden power tools. Instead of lying in bed on a morning listening to the dawn chorus I will lie in bed listening to the mechanical symphony provided by 600 plus cunts who are of the opinion that they live in the middle of a massive prairie so they can make as much fucking noise as they like co,s nearest neighbour is 80 miles away. This ode to garden machinery will carry on throughout daylight hours and into the night if said cunt is pissed or had a row with wife, partner whatever.
    They seem to have a system worked out whereby as one compleats his assault on nature the next begins. Huge petrol mower, petrol strimmer then petrol leaf blower that is the order of the noises generated. The ocean of noise flows around the estate in a clockwise direction for some reason. Then the ad hoc garden party begins and I look forward to shite music, drunken loud arguments interspersed with diabolical chat up lines. This gradually fades out helped by cheap alcohol cannabis and the stun grenade which miraculously appears next to the overturned barbecue which has set a fire to the log store again. At least the screaming is soon over and as the police take best part off two hours to arrive on scene I retire to my bed, safe in the knowledge that a small blow struck by me against a mob of wankers will go unreported and unnoticed in the great scheme of things.

    • If you have a spare stun grenade, I need one for three doors away’s old banger weekend repair service. His idea of repair is to rev the old bangers continuously for hours before deciding that they need something slowly carved from bar stock with a big angle grinder. Even a thunderflash would help.

      • Have you thought about reporting noisy fucker to the council for noise pollution?

        They have to investigate such matters. Just a thought.

        The downside is that if a totally unreasonable cunt may well purposely up his noise out of spite.

      • Very good point raised WS have reported noise, bonfires, barking dogs in the past. Have achieved better results pissing up a rope. Our semi rural idyll basically ignored by council in regards to noise etc as most of the noisy bastards are wealthy middle class solicitors, managers and other ilks. One reason why potholes are fixed extra quick when the government sub comes thru.

      • I think Black Biscuit (below) covers my situation too, WS, thanks to both. Also the cunt is intermittent and unpredictable in his operations. If he reliably destroyed every Sunday, I’d certainly have a go.

      • In view of the maelstrom of shite that would befall your good self if hypothetically you launched an attack on the banger man with MOD equipment and you are held accountable for such a heinous act. May I sugest a visit to a site selling eqpt for paintballing or airsoft. These sites sell a large amount of interesting items; the “stun grenades” and Thunderflashes are all round good examples of such item. The bonus is they are legally availiable but do have to be shipped by courier. I have been told that in the confines of a domestic garage or shed the effect of sound, bright light, smoke etc. can cure constipation.

      • There is a fucking old wanker locally who has vintage cars and the cunt drives the smoky noisy pieces of shit cars at 10mph to test the latest round of expensive pointless bollocks he’s performed on them.
        He has a mark one Range Rover ,surely the biggest Wankerwaggon ever built and this rattle trap wouldn’t even make a good fire .It is the loudest vehicle in history and i want to put his knackers in the fan belt,the cunt.
        Leafblowers are cuntish and electric ones useless and cuntish.Electric rakes no less and just sweep shite under the garden carpet.

      • Your old wanker will be one of my cunt’s customers. They bring their scrappers round to be revved, regularly.

  9. Someone mentioned a cunt using one of these useless things at 7:30 am, if one of my neighbours was doing that I’d stick the thing in his mouth and put it on full power and a kick in the bollocks to make sure the cunt remembers to respect the neighbours. As a Lfc may I say that Mr Carragher is a cunt. Spitting at a girl? What the fuck is wrong with the cunt. They should have had a leaf lower and blew the spit back at the cunt.

  10. Off subject but:
    The so-called BBC this morning reported Cable’s view that leave voters are elderly racists and in the interest of balance had Cable defending his speech.

    • He might be right. I voted leave, I’m only in my 50’s but feel elderly and am, in view of what many coloured cunts in this country get away with, getting increasingly racist although I’m not even close to the level of racism that our coloured brethren display to whites and amongst themselves.

    • I have never made any apologies for being white and racist. I never will. I do love the Royal Blue Passport, and the time in England when people were white. I want to see a culture that respects the country, its values and its history. I want to walk the streets and speak and hear English. I want to see a country that has respect for those who serve in our armed forces, and importantly a country that respects Law and order.
      I don’t give a fuck for multi culturlism. I don,t like carpet kissers, camel shaggers and the like. I despise the creed of Islam and I always prefer Fish and Chips, mushy peas and a dash of vinegar.
      As foe snowflakes. They wouldn’t be allowed to exist in my little England.
      So Yes. Cunt Cable is quite correct. Most people of these wonderful Isles would prefer that way of life too.

      If not. Then FUCK RIGHT OFF!

    • Humphries gave him a hard time, though. Strange to see him going for a remoaner, but I think Cable’s been marked as an unprincipled cunt since he went belly-up in coalition.

      • The great thing about Brexit is that it has brought out right into the open exactly who the traitorous cunts are. Previously they could hide behind their sanctimonious mealy-mouthed words but Brexit has had them foaming at the mouth so we know exactly who they are. I tell them to fuck off back off to Chianti-shire which is where most of them seem to live mentally if not physically.

    • Cable ain’t no spring chicken, arse wipe wanker. Cannot think of one thing the stupid cunt has ever done that has been of benefit to us mugs who pay his fucking wages. Pension the cunt off.

  11. Our garden backs onto a wood so have tons of leaves to pick up. I rake and compost them and use the mower to tidy up. Leaf blowers are fucking useless. I tried one as a leaf vacuum but every time you turn it on the bag blows off.
    And having 2 dogs, if I used a blower there would be shit shrapnel everywhere.

  12. The Sunday Morning Action Man. Every summer Sunday he’s up at the crack of dawn annoying the fuck out of everyone trying to sleep off their hangover. Noisy lawnmowers, strimmers, electric saws and , of course, endlessly hammering nails into random pieces of wood. They are fucking cunts and the only answer is a heavy rainstorm to keep the wankers indoors.

  13. I have weeds in the gravel on my driveway. They mock me. I go out armed with every anti weed mechanism known. It’s Dresden. I have a tooly thing to pull them up by the roots, commercial weedkiller and home made weed killer, and I attack with ferocity. Next day my driveway is free from weeds and do a lap of honour.

    Three days later the cunts ate back.

    • Try some diesel in a watering can. Trust me, you won’t be seeing them pesky weeds again.

    • Commercial-grade Round-up. Not the piss that they sell at the garden centres. It’ll kill just about anything bar Mares-tail.

      • My neighbours both side have that shit and its slowly attacking me from both sides appearing within my 3ft slabs on each boundary. One of them has so much between their slabs peak season it near covers the slabs like a carpet.

        Had the odd spur shoot up in my grass which I just pull them straight up, had ones around 3ft long. Cunts weeds.

      • For weeds in gravel or block drives (I have a large area of both), this is the tool you need. Fucking good fun as you burn the bastards. Copy and paste this into google
        By the way, don’t let the glowing hot end of the wand touch your leg. Like I did, Now have a branded circle on left leg. What a cunt!

      • For added effect emulsify the concentrate with paraffin and Fairy Liquid before diluting to double recommended strength. Goes through waxy leaves like ground elder.

        But if you’ve got Japanese knotweed, consider concrete.

  14. Tip a load of glitter down it’s spout,and then poke it through someone’s letter-box before giving it maximum revs. Hey Presto,they come back to a wonderful,glittery surprise.

    Fuck them.

    • Dick, you don’t look a bit like I expected. Surely some cunt must have substituted your photo with one of Diane Abbot. I always thought you would look more like Vincent Price.

      • Fuck me,SF, I’ve must have been hacked by the frisky mare flaunting her dubious delights.Trying to tempt me into her sticky lair,no doubt. I shall remedy the problem,immediately..

  15. You know its funny your cunting leaf blowers, cause I had gotten rid of mine bout 2 years ago traded it to a m8 who helped me fix my shabby old beater volkswagen.

    I remember using it one day while the neighbors pulled in on their driveway and I was thinking to myself I probably look like a cunt blowing all these leafs away lol haha

  16. I believe that leaf blowers are in fact closeted homosexuals. As with the campaign against clause 28, We must stop the rampant corruption of our society. This is just another of the subtle homoerotic techniques to turn law abiding families from being turned by the non-binaries and equality brigade.

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