TV comedian double-acts are cunts. Well almost all of them.

Mike and Bernie Winters – one acting like a special needs mong with a mental age of 5, and the other his nasty paedophile uncle on the edge of the snuff scene.

Morecambe and Wise – pitiful formulaic low-brow Ground-hog day unfunny cheap cat vomit (with a big prop budget).

Little and Large – get to fuck you pathetic sad cunts.

Cannon and Ball – brain-dead comedy of the lowest order to bore alzheimer vegetables into swallowing their own tongues to make it stop.

Reeves and Mortimer – alcoholic fuckmupery for the faux-hippy media studies polytechnic set.

The krankies – rare and strange sexual deviance fuelled with drugs, presented to frightened and bewildered children.

Ant & Dec – genetically modified shit bags that have one idea that is rammed down people’s throats as if they are foie gras ducks.

Nominated by: Sandle Seven

Window cleaners are cunts…

Years ago we had one window cleaner, a nice bloke called Brian… And he went everywhere on his bike and he grafted… He cleaned all the windows on every house in the street and he charged a fair price for it… Brian finally retired around 1996…

Fast forward to 2016… The modern window cleaner travels around in a van and has two or three goons ‘helping’ him to do the windows… Except they do fuck all… These twats will do the front (lounge and bedroom) windows if somebody is in to see/watch them… But most of the time they don’t bother… They hardly ever do the side windows and they never do the upstairs back windows… I have words with this cunt several times and now our esteemed window cleaner now wants 5.50 (five pounds fucking fifty!) every two weeks for cleaning three front windows… Well, I am going to tell him to fuck off when he turns up tomorrow…

This cunt also does his ’rounds’ when it is pissing down and expects to be paid for cleaning your windows when it is raining… Thieving cunt…

Nominated by: Norman

Interesting little titbit doin’ the roindes from me neck orf the woods doine Forest orf Dean way, namely one decrepit old cunt name orf Roy Maggs who claims to be 49 (not even yours truly would try to pull that one) is claiming a refund for having been given the bum’s rush at a swingers party organised by some oitfit calls itself Swingfields. Apparently old flaky cock was required to show references before he was allowed to take his mack orf. Indeed got hacked orf because he had paid £127.85 online and had not seen any requirement for same. Felt his professional standing as an accountant (now who do we know was one orf those, must ask Dioclese) was reference enough. Anyway organisers would not let him in or give him his money back so took it to m’Learned Friends. Would have loved to have been at the Citizens Advice when the cunt came in.

Upshot is m’Lud has found against Mr Maggs so no refund despite the old tosser offering to show m’Lud his references (nudge nudge), an offer m’Lud declined. Bright side is old tosser has not wasted his Vallium and Swingfields will let him in to their next soiree. Ah me, an everyday story orf simple country folk. Bless ’em all, bless ’em all, the old, the fat and the small…

Come on cunters, I know you are all gagging for it and you’re up for some fun…

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Amateur Dramatics deserves a good cunting.

Mrs Boaby’s Sister is a wanna be actor, actress or whatever the PC ‘term’ is these days. Her claim to fame is being an extra in some BBC period drama 12 years ago (I forget the name) which was filmed at Felbrigg Hall in Norfolk. You cannot even see her face and no-where is she credited apart from her own CV.

She is a member of the local ‘amateur dramatics society’ and last night I had to endure their performance of ‘Cat On A Hot Tin Roof’

For fuck sakes, it was fucking dire. The film was bad enough, but a cheap local ‘am-dram’ production made me want to rip my own arsehole out.

Amateur Dramatics, more like Amateur Traumatics

Nominated by: Boaby

Not representing your Country is a cunt,

You know what I mean, cunts like Pietersen who had a English great grandparent who was born in South Africa, Mo Farrah who wasn’t even born here and whilst on the subject of runners all those Africans who end up representing Denmark, or Norway. What the fuck. Then we have the England Rugby Team with Tuilagi who is Samoan and another Samoan playing for Wales. How do you decide one day ‘Oh I’ll play for a country I wasn’t even born in. Then there are cunts like Frank Sinclair who when they realised they weren’t going to play in the World Cup for England decided they would play for Jamaica and deprive someone their place the squad.

It gets a bit difficult (due to this nations mixed past with players like Beckham being part Jewish and Ross Barkley having a Nigerian Grandfather) to say what should qualify you to play for England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland but surely you have to at least be born there, know the culture and ideally have some ancestry in the country?

Anyways I have decided to represent Pluto in the Being a Cunt Cup.

Nominated by: Black & White Cunt