A heartfelt Cunting for Advocaat (the drink not the football manager)

This dreadful, mucus-like slime is only ever seen at Christmas when some senile old Great-Aunt drinks it before farting and frightening the dog (one of my happy childhood memories),

Seeing it for sale is truly the harbinger of the dreaded Christmas festivities. It’s not fucking Christmas trees, or Christmas fucking songs (I understand that Dio and Chas are making a shameless, but probably successful, attempt to usurp Slade as the voice of Christmas awfulness), or begging adverts about the homeless that lets me know that “the most wonderful time of the year” is upon us again,it’s the sight of that vile concoction being sold.

I’d have assumed that as the old fuckers died off,the demand for Advocaat would have dwindled…not a bit of it. The shelves are stuffed with it. Who the fuck is buying it – and why? If any Cunter has recently bought a bottle,I demand that you explain yourself.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

In the spirit of a Merry Christmas,I’d like to Cunt selfish suicide candidates.

I’ve just been reading about some arsehole holding traffic up for hours on the M5 yesterday. It’s like the ones who chose to throw themselves under a train without any consideration for the people who are inconvenienced by their self-centered action.

Now personally I’d never top myself,I’d hate to give people the satisfaction.But if people feel the need to leave their families clearing up their mess,while forced to feel a sense of guilt and responsibility, surely they can find a time,place and method which doesn’t impact on hundreds of people who will feel no sympathy,just a sense of “What a Cunt.”
A lot of these Cunts who make a big song and dance about it never go through with it anyhow. If anyone had held me up for 4 hours on my way home,I’d be chucking stones at the Cunt in the hope that he fell off the bridge anyhow. The police shouldn’t pander to them,they should just tell them that if they don’t get down,they’ll get a tranquiliser dart up the hoop,and they’ll be fucking lucky if there’s any crash mats below.

Fuck them.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

Water Aid are complete cunts.
They have an ad that shows some poor cunt walking miles through the bush to fill a grungy plastic container with buffalo piss and liquid sewage because this is the ONLY water available. They point out the water is full of bacteria and, well, shit and kills umpteen little water carriers a day and then some cheerful, well fed, well hydrated Yorkshire cunt asks for three quid to send them a shiny bucket with a tight lid and a tap to keep their poisonous water in WHAT THE FUCK USE IS THAT?????
Any one supporting this nonsense is a cunt, instead you should ask what this kid’s cunt parents are doing and why the cunts don’t move either:

move nearer to the water, bad as it is, or
fuck off and live somewhere better (but not here), or
dig a fucking well at home

it’s not like these dumb cunts haven’t had a few hundred years to think it out

Nominated by Ragarse

If people in years gone by thought that television was sucking the nations intelligence dry, what must they think of the smartphone?

Most people you see these days are walking around in a trance, hypnotised by the the little communication device that no one can apparently look away from for more than a minute. I have one, and it fills the gap a newspaper once did. You know, off for a difficult shit, or something to pass the time until something interesting happened. Not for these cunts. It is their life blood, the very point of being.

I work with a lot of young cunts, who are nice, but mostly useless as a work force. There is very little focus with them, until it comes to the fucking mobile, which must be checked every few minutes. Of course, one of their fellow mongs has updated their status, probably something world shattering like “just chillin” or “bored. Need Xbox”, which needs replying to immediately. Facebook, instagram, Snapchat, all filling their lives with fuck all worthwhile. You go somewhere like a beach or a gig or to the cinema, and it is populated by zombies glued to the little soul crusher in their hands.

The worst part of this is that these vacuous cunts think that it’s ok to do this while driving. I really don’t care if they kill themselves, far from it, however it’s the poor fucker minding their own business that gets caught up in the accidents they cause that have my sympathy.

Nominated by Gutstick Japseye

Sergeant Cunter’s Lonely Dead Dudes Band

Well we did nap some orf ’em – at least Shauno did – but not a good year in me humble. Cunts seem to be learning a trick or two, croaking orn the quiet, sod ’em.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke