Last week I organised a large beech tree dismantle and removal for a couple who have recently bought a house in the local area. It was a complicated job involving experienced climbers and a fair bit of machinery. It went well,as it should considering the price that the householders had agreed to pay.

Originally they had said that they wanted to keep the wood for firewood,but when they saw the sheer amount decided that they didn’t have room for it all and asked me if I could arrange for some of the larger bits of the stem to be led away. It was too gnarly for firewood so I rang a neighbour of mine and asked him if he would bring his Manitou loader and trailer down and take it back to my place where I was just going to dump in some quiet corner.

I told the householders that my neighbour wanted £150 to come down,load it and take it back to mine. They went fucking light accusing my neighbour of “trying to rip them off because they could afford to buy the house. Did all of us local-yokels think that they were made of money just because they’d moved from down south where he’d been a senior buyer for a large multi-national retailer?” etc.

I took great delight in explaining to them that my neighbour actually owns two farms and several cottages in the surrounding village and could undoubtedly buy and sell a “senior buyer for a large multi-national retailer” a dozen times over without bothering to go to the bank. That silenced them, I added the £150 to their bill and then told my neighbour not to bother going to remove the wood for a couple of months,that should get the Cunts frothing.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

I have recently been working from home so have inevitably been roped into the daily horror show shitfest of the school run. I have identified the prime vomit inducing cause of this evil phenomena and that is the School Run Mum.

To help you identify if you fall into this cuntish category answer these questions –

1. Do you drive a vehicle of such epic proportions that you find it impossible to perform simple manoeuvres? If yes then you are a cunt and possibly a School Run Mum.

2. If all that someone can see of you while you sit in your road going version of an M1A1 Abrams is a pair of eyes straining to see over the steering wheel and possibly a bobble hat thrown in for good measure? If yes then you are a cunt and possibly a School Run Mum.

3. Do you constantly talk drivel on the phone while you ferry your precious Darlings to the school gate? If yes then you are a cunt and possibly a School Run Mum.

4. Do you limit your focus to the two feet of road immediately in front of your car and frequently find yourself the cause of blocking the entire fucking road? If yes then you are a cunt and possibly a School Run Mum.

5. Are you a woman with school age kids? You are certainly a cunt and a school run mum.
If you have scored any more than 2 on this test then you are a monumental cunt, for the good of society as a whole, should prepare a bottle of whiskey and loaded revolver and do the right thing.

Nominated by Proper Cunt

Barry Scott is a cunt.

You know the weird cunt from the Cillit Bang adverts. What a cunt. Apparently Cillit Bang is the best ever, so all the previous ‘best ever’ Cillit Bangs were shit? I don’t buy the overrated shite anyways but the fact they employ this creepy cunt is enough to put me off. Someone shoot the cunt…

Bang and the cunt is gone.

Nominated by Black & White Cunt

I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing boxers and MMA fighters thanking God after a contest. Why do they always have to bring God into it?

“Yeah it was God who made it possible for me to kick fuck out of him. He’ll be pissing blood for a week and I couldn’t have done it without God’s help.”

I notice they never mention God when they’ve lost.

Nominated by Allan.

The Tank designed not to be used. Remember the poor sods in there.

This useless but highly expensive bastard has been around since the 1970s and is a mainstay of NATO forces. It is part of the immense German armaments industry (who knew they still had one ‘eh?) and at £4 million a pop supposed to be the last thing in such motors. Well they are so long as they remain oit orf combat. Talking about last things, the last thing the poor cunts crewing the bastards actually hear is indeed a pop followed by a sizzle then good night Vienna.
Have come to recent prominence because some dumb cunts ie the Turks have actually started to use them. Against fearsome opponents with state orf the art weaponry? Well a few clapped oit Toyota pick-ups with pipe mortars mounted in the back but supported by Blighty with whatever obsolete shite we can scrape together.

Thing is the Curds are blowing the shite oit orf ’em and that is not supposed to happen. £4 mill worth of armour plating reinforced with tungsten and depleted uranium. Twin diesels with a max orf 42mph (nippy for a tank). Very embarrassing. These dodgy motors are the mainstay orf NATO defence against the Russkies (and Comrade Ivan knows their capability). Very lethal. (Stop laughing Ivan)

Usual Kraut marketing, false performance figures coupled with brute force and bribery (Shurely not from the nation orf VW and BMW).

Not surprisingly there are rather a number of used Leopard II s aroinde for sale – not ex-battle field (scrap merchants only) but more ex-display models (Italian Forces ect ect). Indeed our Nato allies cannot get rid fast enough. Now hearing that the MOD is looking to replace our aging Challenger Tanks (a good tank despite faults, many orf which now ironed oit) the helpful Krauts have jack booted in and offered their own second hand rejects at a bargain price, £2 mill per pop. Response from the chinless cunts at the MOD? Fuck orf Krauty, not even if you chuck in an extra tank orf petrol? Not a bit orf it. Creaming their knickers at the prospect. Extra lubrication won’t make the bastards work better or safer though.

What the Krauts really want to do is get their mitts on the maintenance and spares contracts. Always lucrative in the military sphere particularly for a tank that gets blown up or stuck in a ditch whenever you use it. Bugger me though, Blighty has a tendency to use her tanks. A minor problem.

Clincher though is the role orf Brexit. Main Kraut bargaining chip. Pour your British pounds down our Euro sink hole and we well be minded to support you just an infinitesimally bit more in the negotiations. Sieg Heil! (Ja, das ist die neue Euro-Hymne)

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke