It’s a sunny day. You’re maybe driving along, enjoying the scenery, or relaxing in the the garden with a glass of wine. The radio’s playing, helping to set the mood. Then suddenly, IT comes on, AGAIN.

‘Is this the real life, is this just fantasy…’ Click!!
‘Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…’ Click!!
‘And now, the end is near, and so I face…’ Click!!

Yes, it’s another of those songs that just gets played, recycled, re-recorded by everybody under the fucking sun and re-played endlessly, forever, until yet another airing makes your ears bleed. There are categories and sub categories of the genre eg

Childrens’ songs; ‘grandad, grandad, we love you…’
Novelty songs; ‘wopam gangnam style…’
(and of course) Xmas songs; ‘can you stop the cunting cavalry ya ta ta ta ta ta…’
Jonah Louie deserves a special cunting all on his own for inflicting this steaming horse shite on us every December.

Well I could go cunting on and on and on here, but I think you get the idea without further ado. Please could the powers-that-be throw every copy of such muck into the nearest landfill and bury it under a pile of crap immediately so that mankind is spared further exposure to this pestilence.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Today let’s give a great big religion of peace, culturally enriched fuck off to the cunts that flew two planes into the World Trade Centre in 2001, especially the king cunt, Mohamed Mohamed el-Amir Awad el-Sayed Atta and his illustious leader Usama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Ladin.

I’ve been up the old World Trade Centre. One hell of a building and can’t imagine what it must have been like to be up there when a bloody great jet flew into the floors below you, leaving you stranded with no hope of rescue and with the choice of being burned to death or jumping. At least when it collapsed they were spared the choice.

The picture is one I took in New York earlier this year of the memorial for the dead at Ground Zero. The squares are the exact footprint of the old towers. It brings it home to you just how many people were slaughtered in the name of Islam as you read the names chiselled in the surround.

I was in Santorini on holiday at the time. One of the Americans staying with us had a son whose office was in the first tower hit. It was two days before he managed to get a message through to his parents that he wasn’t in the office that day. Kinda makes it feel more real, doesn’t it?

So fuck you Islam, fuck your so called prophet and fuck all religions everywhere come to that if they can lead people to do things like this. Cunts the lot of you.

Welcome to the 21st century – and you certainly are welcome to it. It’s a fucking shitfest…

Nominated by Dioclese

Smoking, stopping smoking, part time smokers and smokers are all cunts.
Everything to do with smoking embodies the lack of responsibility and selfishness that pisses me off about humanity in general.

Smokers are cunts for not giving a flying fuck about anyone but themselves. They will happily suck their fags like some sort of dummy for adults, then breathe their shit all over everyone else that doesn’t smoke. They litter the whole fucking world with their fag butts, empty fag packets and ash. They happily smoke and then embrace their children. Fuck it, they smoke when they are pregnant. There is some footage of foetuses squirming upon the introduction of smoke into the mothers’ body. Certaintly looks fucking grim.

Smokers are chock full of bullshit excuses:
“I’ve tried, but just can’t do it” liars.
“I’m just not ready” weaklings.
“I’ve too much on my plate right now” again, liars.

Smokers are also lecherous fucking thieves, constantly bumming fags off anyone stupid enough to give in to them, which brings me onto those stopping smoking.

In the bin goes the current packet and all lighters, rizla, filters etc. Then begins the bumming of fags from every other smoker around them – accompanied with the excuse that they don’t have any because they are giving up!!?! What the fuck? There’s even the occassional offer to compensate the idiot giving the cigs away, a bullshit gesture, as no-one’s ever going to take the 50p are they? Those giving up seem to feel the need to tell everyone, as if looking for moral support (selfish) or some sort of congratulatory remark (self orientated cunts). If you reply with the word “good”, they’ll keep at it – searching earnestly for the words “well done”. It’s not well done at all cunt, only having three today is not progress. In so many ways they are worse than smokers themselves.

Then there’s the part time smoker, the weekend smoker, the one who “only smokes when they drink”.

Standing there outside the pub, pondering the mysterious conundrum they face trying to understand why this only happens when they drink. With the fag hanging from their lip, they command the attention of their little circle. It’s like they are asking their peers to grant them full smoker status for the evening. Fucking deluded needy fuckwits. I’m always amused by the cunt who’s too timid to stop the proceedings and demand their fucking lighter back from this arsehole who just won’t get on with it.

Then comes the guffaw and coughing fit and the declaration of how good it truly is. How they’ve missed it.
Convincing. I’m sure. Cunt.

Now then, understand that I’m not cunting the tobacco connoisseur. The pipe smoker or the esteemed cigar smoker (and I am not refering to the shit you buy from the bar). These are past-times that involve savoring a pleasureable thing. No, I am cunting those cunts that insist on using poor quality products and piss poor self discipline to make dicks of themselves and create a burden of patience for others.

The yellow skinned ones that stink of ashtrays.
The chainsmokers who shop at poundstretchers.
The heart attack victims smoking outside hospitals.
The fat cunts grinding out the christmas tree’d butt under their heel before entering the chippy.
The pricks that hold their cigarette inside their fist, sucking it harder than a has-been pornstar as they march towards the betting shop.
The ones who do up the zips on their wolf themed fleece with yellowed fingers.
Those cunts who smoke in the rain.

Of course, there’s also the state to consider.
Constantly pouring cash into adverts pleading with people to stop, advice lines, doctors urging, a never ending river of it’s bad, you must stop.
But no sincerity.

If the government wanted too they could ban it overnight. So shut the fuck up.
The pictures of medical ailments on the packs don’t go far enough in my opinion either.
They should show sobbing victims of ass cancer. In hologram format.
That guy on the american advert brushing his teeth one minute, swabbing the the hole in his neck the next would make a great hologram.
Fuck it, lets see how desperate these people are to carry on smoking and lace each fag with plastic, no – engine oil – as a legal requirement.

Just the other day one of these “weatherbeaten” types held the door open to the shop in one hand, fag in the other, jetted clouds firing downward from her nostrils and waived a family with young children through. Under her arm. As if doing them a favour. Af if breathing out through her sinuses helps in some way. Cunt.
Thats not a tan you wizened old witch, that’s your liver operating at it’s feeble limit.

And now, thanks to the miracle of human ingenuity we have the vaping device.
There was a small consolation that the skanky smoker was killing themselves in a wonderfully sadistic way, but nooooo, now these mentally stunted needy cunts are filling my air with the smell of banana chewits and they are likely to live as long as me! It’s a fucking disgrace. And the new government report is campaigning for their freedom to do this everywhere!
You won’t even be able to get on a train without being blinded by a tornado of apple and cinnamon. It’s as if tobacco has got the gayness.

So now our ant’n’dec loving, iceland shopping, dole poling lovable public can carry on sucking their adult dummies and feel reassured that the guvvermunt is behind them being a fucking pest 100%.

This one thing all on it’s own is going to keep my piss boiling until the day I die.
Cunts.

Nominated by Cuntflap

I would like to nominate anti-smoking bigots.
I neither smoke nor vape but couldn’t give a flying fuck if someone does.
Smokers contribute more to the NHS than they ever get out by dying younger on average. Smoking is a personal choice.

It is banned everywhere, whether reasonable (indoors) or not (parks for fuck’s sake.) The bigots have won so they should shut the fuck up.

There is a seam of spite that runs through holier than thou anti-smoking cunts. A touch of nanny knows best and insufferable superiority.

I would prefer the company of a 50 a day smoker to one of these sanctimonious cunts any day.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

It appears that numerous record companies are remastering and re-releasing crap from the 80s on heavyweight (and coloured) LPs.

OK, the odd gem still resurfaces Manfred Mann’s first four 60s albums have just been reissued on record after many years), but record companies spending money on re-releasing the musical dregs of the 80s: like Five Star, Curiosity Killed The Cunt, The Thompson Twats, and Belinda Carlisle (OK, she was top of the 80s ‘To do’ list, but her music was pap), while great works from the likes of Humble Pie, Free, Jethro Tull, Faces, Blood Sweat and Tears, and Badfinger still remain unavailable on LP ?

It’s ludicrous, but I know who’s to blame… It’s all those coloured haired ripped jeans student cunts, who think that buying LPs is trendy and that all that 80s crap is ‘retro’ and ‘cool old school’…. Fucking cunts…

Nominated by Norman

My son-in-law collects vinyl. He is 35. He has lent me a Half Man Half Biscuit vinyl LP. I have put it on a USB stick because I am not a vinyl cunt. I have done this with all my vinyl so I can play them anywhere. Vinyl collectors seem to be hipster cunts.

80s music – Madness, Squeeze, Dire Straits, the Cars, Men at Work. The rest was forgettable for me.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

I would like to cunt India.

Fed up of hearing and reading how its gonna “overtake the West” with cutting edge IT and massively successful industry.

Utter bollocks. Won’t happen.

This is the same place that still relies on 70 year old ex-British Empire railway infrastructure ; suffers power cuts most summers because too many fuckers are illegally tapping it or have bought aircon units so the power network can’t cope.

Today there’s news of 300 odd drowned in the annual (and thus entirely predictable) monsoons (which is really 500 cos they don’t really give enough of a shit to count the bodies properly). Buildings and bridges fall down with monotonous regularity in a way the Italians would envy!

Hilarious when Guy Martin once visited that truck stop where these 10 Rupees a day old biddies were cutting up trucks to cannibalise and put back on the roads-bald tyres and all- perfectly legally !! Looming over them was this huge mountain of unprocessed, steaming pile of shit!!!

I went there 25yrs ago and said to the missus that it would still be the same shitheap in Year 2100 and I know I was being generous.

99% of the population scrape by hand to mouth ; 1% live the life of Riley on the back of it. Open sewers everywhere; rubble; litter; heat; flies; begging; poverty. The Ganges is a polluted dead river, a blot on the landscape.

Yes, India is a venerable cunt sized, world class dump.

Nominated by Isaac Hunt