All I ask and expect from Royal Mail is that they deliver my post with due dispatch.

As is the way of things, some days I receive mail, sometimes not. Invariably however, what Postman Prat does deliver through my letterbox is a pile of unwanted crud from advertisers trying to peddle their products.

Of course, there is one reason, and one only, why the Mail persists with this environmentally unfriendly practice on an industrial scale. This now privatised cuntpany sees the dollar signs rotating; advertising means more income, more income means bigger profits, bigger profits mean bigger dividends for shareholders and bigger bonuses for the greedy, overpaid fat cat cunts at the top.

To add insult to injury, the fuckers then expect the recipients of this unasked for cack to dispose of it for them. If you are similarly pissed, I recommend this simple solution which works on the principle that the polluter is responsible for clearing up his own mess. Just collect all this bumwad up until you have a stack about a foot thick, and stick it in your nearest post box. See how they like it up ’em, the cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Have navigated me old arse orn countless occasions acrorss the world and have heard tell orf the phenomena from time to time. Moonshine you may say. Fakery and fuckery say others. Stop smoking in bed say the quacks. Well all I have to say is every so orten it appears that some cunt bursts into flames for reasons unknown. A random old mare (happens more often to mares apparently) is sitting orn the crapper and next second she is pile of blackened crisps and a pair orf surprisingly untouched comfy slippers. Unlikely to be a jihadi but these days you never know.

Was all the rage in the ‘60s and ‘70s, standard media story then and Arthur Brown nearly achieved it a few times but not by intention (Google the cunt). Amazing the crazy cunt is still alive (have got the cunt in The Pool cunts). Now that brings YT to me intention orf me little homily, a certain Fuck Puppet that steals me noms using a collection orf snide accounts to do so. Making me complaint the army way, no names but cunt, you know who you are.

A chap’s noms are special to him and represent to us senior cunters many years orf selection and nurturing waiting to come up orn the Cunt Grand National. Many fallers but only one who makes it over the final fence. Thus Yours Truly is outraged, enraged and incandescent with rage over this cunt with no name. Spontaneous Human Combustion? Is that me old arse smoking?

Nominated by Sir limply Stoke

I’m cunting the Cunt that Ubered me last night and couldn’t speak English. I was desperate for a piece of cake, some ice-cream and a bottle of booze. So I get an Uber down to Safeway as I’m old enough to know when I shouldn’t be driving.

I’d had three beers. At this stage, let others do the driving for me.
This cunt pulls up in a twenty year old Honda. Yammers all the way in down in pidgin to the Supermarket and then he fucking bails on me outside the trolley park. I told him I’d give him a tip if he waited and he drives the fuck off.

Guess which country he was from?
Afghanistan,
The cunt.

Nominated by CaliAngel

A cunting please for the people who have misappropriated the rainbow and fine English words.

I wrote recently about a visit to a local hospital, there was a rainbow flag flying from the flagpole, which I found annoying. What’s wrong with the English flag or the Union Jack ?

Yesterday I was stood in the queue at the local branch of Santander, idly watching the information screen whilst awaiting my turn, when lo and behold !! a rainbow appears on screen with the words “Santander supports Pride “. This really fucks me off. Deviants are taking over words and symbols for their own sick ends. There’s nothing nicer in nature than a rainbow, saw one the other day, marvellous, but now it’s been taken and used as a symbol for bumfuckery.

It’s the same with words, take the word gay, years ago, if you said you’d had a gay time there was nothing sleazy about it, it just meant that you’d had a great time at a picnic or a party etc. now, people take it to mean that you’ve been indulging in aforementioned bumfuckery, the result is a perfectly good word stolen. The same thing is happening to the word “pride “,a fine word, but again, one that is being stolen by the homosexuals for their own use. Where’s the fucking pride in having a bloke up your arse ?

So fuck off you homosexual cunts and use proper words and symbols for your practices.

Nominated by Jack the Cunter

With the changing of the seasons comes the latest incarnation shitshow, one of the founding members of the accursed reality TV movement. Like some kind of hideous fucking zombie, almost light years past its sell-by date, this abomination keeps being resurrected to cater for the absolute detritis of society. Avid viewers and cuntestants alike are amongst the most extreme examples of look-at-me fame-hungry shitcunts you will ever see.

The accompanying post-goatfuck analysis show (BB/CBBotS) is fronted by ubiquitous shirtlifter celebrity-worshipper in-chief, Rylan ‘2 by 4 Veneers’ Clark-Neal, who as a fame whore and former winner, neatly encapsulates the utterly appalling vacuity and superficial idiocy which has gripped the West in a seemingly never-ending radioactive cunt-fallout, caused by the colliding nuclear warheads of both Reality TV and Social Media. The resulting barren, post-apocalyptic cunt landscape is now filled with people who believe they are 24/7 on some personal audition for Big fucking Brother.

Only Channel 5 could so enthusiastically get behind a played-out, asanine bag of fermenting excrement such as this. Even amongst the infinite, nightmarish expanse of such bollocks television, BB/CBB stands out as being probably the most cancerously vapid example. And all this without even mentioning the fucking monumental wankstain who has spent the last 18 years embelishing his Geordie accent on the programme’s voiceovers.

One of my all time fantasies involves a BB ‘challenge’ where a Siberian Tiger, suffering from both malnutrition and advanced stages of Rabies, is let loose in the house to gorge, maul and maim the fucking simpletons inside. Perchance to fucking dream, friends…

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back