The use of the word “Artisan” when referring to food or crafts.

It seems that not a day goes by without some wannabe, oh-so-hip and trendy, faux nerd hipster using the word “artisan” when referring to a café, restaurant or some sort of arts and crafts.

I don’t really watch television much on account of it being a load of consumerist, propagandist bollocks, but anyway, I distinctly remember flicking through the channels one night to some programme in ‘Murica where some pretentious hipster cunt had opened an “artisan vegan gelato parlour”. Not really sure how you can get vegan ice-cream unless they use coconut milk or soy milk (bleurgh).

Ever since then, all I keep seeing about the place is “artisan baker”, “artisan crafts”, “artisan” everything. I don’t know if it’s a case of because I’ve seen it I’m primed to keep seeing it everywhere, or whether it is actually everywhere.

It seems that when the word “artisan” is used, it means you can add £££ to the price of everything. To add to my argument please see link below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=XUv7NQelex0&feature=emb_logo

I’m not sure if this is a piss take or deadly serious.

So here you go – have an “artisan” crafted cunting from me. That’ll be £15.50 please! (only joking)

Nominated by Harold Steptoe

A great big ho-ho-ho humbug of a cunting for ‘The Giving Tree’…

Just when you thought the retail festival known as Christmas couldn’t get more commercialised and cynical, there comes a new idea to prove you wrong – and just such an idea is the giving tree.

Kids hang tags on the tree saying what presents they would really like for Christmas, gullible twats take a tag and go into the shops and buy it. No OK, it goes to ‘cherity. mate’ but it’s basically still just a con to get you to part with your hard earned dosh.

Walk this way, sir, give us yer fuckin’ money…

Bah! Humbug! Cunts…

Nominated by Dioclese

UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY STUDENTS CHARITY CALENDAR 2016. FEATURING SOME CHICKENS AND A FEW COCKS….

It’s about time for every boring “Oooh,look at us,aren’t we wacky?” group of “fundraising” narcissists to start flogging their tired shite.

In the Age of Freely Available Porn, I don’t want to see a bunch of students covering their bits with handy potted plants and I most certainly don’t want to see a bunch of wrinkly, old, coffin-dodging bags dangling their kneecap-scraping dugs while leering like Prince Andrew at a school Nativity play when the Virgin Mary comes on stage.

Think of some original way to satisfy your vanity and shove yer charity up yer arse while you’re at it.

Fuck Off.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

Hugh Grant is a cunt, isn’t he?

Every once in a while this aloof cunt sticks his head out of his Kensington mansion to poke his nose into politics and wag a priggish finger at the Hoi Polloi. It’s all a pretence however, as in reality he’s advertising a new dreary film about an upper class berk mumbling and bumbling like it’s 1927.

Aside from making anachronistically clichéd films, there’s nothing Grant enjoys more than being all righteous about some superior crap. Well, that and being sucked off by cheap whores in Hollywood.

This time he’s been mouthing off about Brexit, despite it being over three years since the biggest electoral victory in British history. He’s been promoting tactical voting to prevent leaving the Fourth Reich. Standing next to Labour’s/Change UK’s/Liberal Undemocrats’ (delete as appropriate) Chukka umWobbler, he said, “I have never been involved in a general election campaign before. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but you could argue that it is my job, but I really do think we are facing a national emergency.”

No Grant, your job is to be a third-rate character actor, perpetually flogging a dead stereotype as you did in the sentimental vomit that was “Four Weddings and a Funeral”.

Grant, who was in the intensely-political Paddington 2 (cunted by yours truly), has mouthed off about Brexit before, bizarrely throwing his support behind the old spinster, Dominic Grieve (!?).

Perhaps Grant sees himself as a late-blooming political man of the people. He has, after all, made such deeply poignant films as “Love, Actually”, “Notting fucking Hill”, “Bridget Jones 1”, “Bridget Jones 2”, and “Red fucking Nose Day”.

Hugh Grant: Cunt, Actually.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Unappealing French film actress Juliette Binoche is so much of a politically correct shithead that she wants to apologise to Brazilians who may have been descended from (wait for it) her great, great, great grandfather. Apparently, her ancestor had a relationship with a black slave in Brazil in 1820 from which children were born. M. Binoche then returned to France and took his family with him.

Now Binoche, in an interview with a Sao Paulo newspaper, jumps to the conclusion that dear old great, great, great grandfather raped the girl, although she has no evidence whatsoever to justify this. It never occurs to her that bringing the family back home shows that her ancestor may have had a stable relationship. Otherwise, he would just have dumped them.

So big hearted Binoche wants to find out if there are any Brazilian Binoches around so she can say she´s sorry for what great, great, great grandfather did nearly 200 years ago. Even if she finds these people, has it not occurred to her that her apology will not only be patronising but imply that these people should not even exist? Quelle chatte!

BTW, if you want to see how bad an actress she is check out the laughable film “Damage” with Jeremy Irons and a ludicrous sex scene in which they wrestle on the floor to the creaking of her skeleton-like body.

Nominated by Mr Polly