A rather infectious cunting please for what I call Plague Lingo, or the simpering infectious bullshit that we’re served up by big business in the name of Community Spirit.
‘Feeding the nation’ – A phrase chundered out by supermarkets loving the inflated sense of their own importance. No, sunbeam, you’re not. You’re a 36-year-old Dungeons and Dragons player scrubbing the piss-encrusted latrines in Morrisons in Chorlton-cum-Hardy. You aren’t coming round after the Archers omnibus to feed me warm blancmange off a plastic spoon.
‘We’re all in this together’ – We really aren’t. Some of us are living off microwaved pouches of cat food in a one-bedroom bedsit with nothing to do but wank ourselves into oblivion. Others are perfectly happy to spaff away the economy and other people’s mental health indefinitely as long as they never have to take the Thameslink again. Others still are mates or wives of shitbag Tory ministers, so have made a few sov on the back of the bat ‘flu. So no, in it together we ain’t.
‘Together we can do this’ – Again, we’re buying a few tins of sherbet in the supermarket, not skipping hand in hand to a utopia where nobody ever has to cough again and everyone has a shrine to Saint Chris Shitty in the downstairs khazi. And what’s ‘this’? Together we can do what? Capture and castrate Boris Johnson? In fairness it might take a few of us to back that sack of lard into a corner.
‘Let’s stay safe’ – This isn’t an Enid Blyton novel; picture the kind of (probably Lib Dem) milquetoast wanker who, in 2021, turns to someone else and says, wringing their hands, “Darling, let’s stay safe”. “Oh yes dearest, let’s!” Let’s. Fuck off. And as for ‘safe’ – they wouldn’t give a fuck if you tripped over an aubergine, or had a heart attack after finding out the price for Preparation H. Nor did they give a fuck last year if you went into one of their ‘stores’ with the ‘flu. But not any more; let’s stay safe! Let’s! Fucking let’s! Because otherwise you might actually have to spend a few days with the wife.
I know it doesn’t seem like much but this collectivist, faux-concerned bollocks chills me to the bone. If we all care so fucking deeply about each other why the hell are we sending four tins of beans and a wizened mushroom to free school meals kids, or losing hundreds of thousands of potentially dangerous people’s criminal records?
I could go on, but maybe you cunts could take it from here and come up with a few more bits of nauseating bat-flu bollocks? Let’s – fucking let’s again – think of it as Cunts in the Community.
Nominated by: Gloria Stitz
