I’m sick and tired of the insincere phoney friendliness of huge companies.

I’ve noticed this trend for a few years and it makes me want to vomit. You must have noticed it? Companies with whom we used to conduct impersonal and arms-length transactions are suddenly our best friends, filled with concern about how we are feeling.

They want to emote and emphasise with us. Large, greedy banks are one of the worse offenders. I now have a bank “relationship manager” whose always chasing me up and seeking to “reach out to me”. I told him the only person I have a relationship with is my wife. Ask for a loan and then you will see how far this faux-concern extends.

Insurance companies, retail outlets are all at it. Mark’s and Spencer’s now tell us that they are “your M&S”, a phrase I find sickening and condescending. M&S exist to make a profit for their shareholders and the customers are a means to an end. It’s insincere to pretend otherwise.

They are always apologising for causing distress. I don’t mind appropriate apologising but for the most part apologising has become an excuse for poor service. ‘We’re sorry to keep you waiting. Please be assured your custom is valuable to us”. Just shut up and answer the phone more quickly.

I don’t want to be mates with a bank or an insurance company. I just want them to be efficient, deliver the service I have paid for and stop asking me about my emotional state or wishing me a “nice day”.

Stupid cunts.

Nominated by: Marvellous Mechanical Cunting Machinery

The 21st Century Post Modern Spiv…perpetual bullshitter, LinkedIn fuckwit and lying shite…

Spiv:

“A man, typically a flashy dresser, who makes a living by disreputable dealings.”

Once upon a time, there was a period in British history where spivs were harmless wide boys and if you wanted petrol, nylons and other black market goods which were rationed or not available (and had the sovs to pay) these gentlemen would see you right.

Del Boy was a kind of spiv I suppose, Arthur Daley too. More classic studies being Cubitt from “Brighton Rock” (Nigel Stock) and Private Walker (Stanley Beck) from “Dad’s Army” fame. All slightly or totally comical figures, trying to get on, turn a dishonest buck and keep one step ahead of the law. Let’s not forget Flash Harry from the marvellous St.Trinians films either.

Everybody knew what they were, what they did and Caveat Emptor certainly applied. These types certainly still exist and if you not really worried where it came from then fill your boots.

But now I present for you, the 21st century post-modern spiv…

These total wafflecunts exist mainly on the internet and LinkedIn… They class themselves with titles such as ‘Brand Expert’, ‘Influencer’, ‘Visionary’, ‘Entrepreneur’, ‘Trendsetter’ blah blah waffle waffle cunt cunt cunt…….

With their £100 Burtons/Next shiny tight suit they bought off the dummy in the shop, iPhone/smartphone/cuntphone, bumfluff stubble and over-inflated ego these perpetual wank-chimps are always bullshitting, ‘closing on a deal’, starting a new start up (for the 4896 time) and proclaiming on social media utter shit to decent hard working folk.

What they don’t tell you is that everything they touch turns to shit, they have a lifestyle that they can’t afford, they haven’t the balls to actually get a real job and they are in fact just a fucking loser.

These utter trumpet-cunts I have noticed are men between 20 – 45 and across all races and ethnicities. Take one of these cunts and look into their background and you find a trail of started, failed, closed businesses, lies, bullshit and utter cuntery.

I’d much rather be a shit house cleaner than one of these cunts…

Nominated by: Dandy Desmond 

…and on the subject of trust, here’s one from Uncle Monk

Is it me or does it merely appear that you really can’t trust anyone nowadays.

Now I’m a fairly trusting person and I try to see the best in people but it just seems everyone is trying to rip you off or con you.

There isn’t a day goes by when I don’t get a phone call/email/text trying to part me from my hard earned money.

It has got to a point where I don’t trust anyone anymore. Whenever anyone tries to get me to pry open my wallet I’m always trying to second guess them, trying to work out their angle, how they are duping me.

It really makes me sad that we now live in a world like this.

Box ticking lefty woke TV adverts.

Fuck me. Every bastard advert on TV is riddled with some right-on LGBTQ message or even worse BLM propaganda.
Diversity to the fuckin extreme.

A group of millenials order a pizza… and the cast includes.

Non binary boy/girl
Heavily pierced overweight “thing”
White hipster with eyelinered boyfriend.
Single parent lesbian.
Wheelchair bestie!

and even a MIDGET!

Ok…. be honest.
How many of you have midget mates?

* Disclaimer. I have nothing against migetism*

Nominated by: Kendo Nagasaki 

and seconded by: Hard Brexit Cunt

I’ll second Kendo Nagasaki’s cunting of woke TV adverts.

The one that really gets on my tits is the GoDaddy advert which ticks the following woke boxes:
– presented by a dark key
– the business is VEGAN (yuck!) pies
– endorsed by an Indian
– and the pièce de resistance – it has another endorsement by a (male-to-female) tranny called Miranda

You can’t beat the adverts from the 1970s – this one in the middle of the Kenny Everett Show (12′ 18″) features an Indian but take note of his name – definitely not woke!

https://youtu.be/lXtXkf4ObP4?t=738

And here is a link to that fucking annoying GoDaddy advert for vegan pies with the tranny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISMXYT961CU

A toffee-nosed, patronising, ‘Head Girl’, ‘you’re so immature’ cunting for the famous hypocrite and bore off the telly, Victoria Coren-Mitchell.

After having seen her act offended by the hijinks of Godfrey Bloom when she hosted Have I Got News For Chimps, I heard her being interviewed by comedian chum Richard Herring and she confirmed my impressions of her being a snooty, boring, feminist hypocrite.

Another one at the BBC doing well off the family name (daddy was Alan Coren) she goes straight into the dustbin marked ‘uppity, public school girl, feminist and broadcaster’, along with the Aristos Pheobe Waller-Minge and Miranda ‘Norris-Thing’ Hart.

As Camille Paglia might say, far from being an empowered modern woman, she’s one of the spoiled liberal sheltered middle-class women who act like fainting ladies of the 18th century at any transgressive opinions. her type who can’t stand men and male behaviour and write stupid columns about banning sports to be read by no one.

Always sold as a bit of ‘thinking man’s crumpet’ she has never said anything requiring much thought. Most her schtick is just ‘ugh, men!’ and crap anecdotes on QI and Radio 4.

I know the sort of crowd the BBC producers want to pull in; Douglas Adams/Terry Pratchett fans. Twee little blokes who quote Monty Python and say ‘M’lady’ and ‘Actually..’ before they correct you on some trivial matter and some of them fll for it. Men who sneer at sports because they know they’re neither strong or fast enough to play.
It’s her, Sue Perkins and Alice Roberts wanked over by autists who think being a vocal atheist is still fashionable.

You know David Mitchell is constantly henpecked by that bossy mare, the poor little fucker. I don’t mind a bit of a bossy streak and haughtiness but when done so primly and tiresomely by the likes of strident, overly earnest humourless femstapo bints like her it’s very boring.

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

On Sunday me, mrs miserable, the dog were on our way out to a pub in the peaks.
Walk the dog, sunday dinner, and a few pints at the start of the Pennine way.
Lovely.
Missus is driving, and Infront of us is a pickup,
Hes got a half ton bag of gravel in the bed of the pickup and is swaying all over the fuckin place.
I told the missus to hang back a bit as he was obviously a knobhead.
Anyway he nearly hits a parked car swerves onto the other side of the road and smashes into a incoming car, and carries on driving!!
I tried all evening to phone the police as I had the cunts registration.
Left a voice mail, (never contacted me back)
At one point I got through but the cunt transferred me to a recorded message.
Its a waste of time!
101 is fuckin useless.
In the end I popped in a police station, they weren’t interested.
Should of said he was driving in a homophobic manner?

Nominated by: Miserable Northern Cunt