The 21st Century Postmodern Spiv

The 21st Century Post Modern Spiv…perpetual bullshitter, LinkedIn fuckwit and lying shite…


“A man, typically a flashy dresser, who makes a living by disreputable dealings.”

Once upon a time, there was a period in British history where spivs were harmless wide boys and if you wanted petrol, nylons and other black market goods which were rationed or not available (and had the sovs to pay) these gentlemen would see you right.

Del Boy was a kind of spiv I suppose, Arthur Daley too. More classic studies being Cubitt from “Brighton Rock” (Nigel Stock) and Private Walker (Stanley Beck) from “Dad’s Army” fame. All slightly or totally comical figures, trying to get on, turn a dishonest buck and keep one step ahead of the law. Let’s not forget Flash Harry from the marvellous St.Trinians films either.

Everybody knew what they were, what they did and Caveat Emptor certainly applied. These types certainly still exist and if you not really worried where it came from then fill your boots.

But now I present for you, the 21st century post-modern spiv…

These total wafflecunts exist mainly on the internet and LinkedIn… They class themselves with titles such as ‘Brand Expert’, ‘Influencer’, ‘Visionary’, ‘Entrepreneur’, ‘Trendsetter’ blah blah waffle waffle cunt cunt cunt…….

With their £100 Burtons/Next shiny tight suit they bought off the dummy in the shop, iPhone/smartphone/cuntphone, bumfluff stubble and over-inflated ego these perpetual wank-chimps are always bullshitting, ‘closing on a deal’, starting a new start up (for the 4896 time) and proclaiming on social media utter shit to decent hard working folk.

What they don’t tell you is that everything they touch turns to shit, they have a lifestyle that they can’t afford, they haven’t the balls to actually get a real job and they are in fact just a fucking loser.

These utter trumpet-cunts I have noticed are men between 20 – 45 and across all races and ethnicities. Take one of these cunts and look into their background and you find a trail of started, failed, closed businesses, lies, bullshit and utter cuntery.

I’d much rather be a shit house cleaner than one of these cunts…

Nominated by: Dandy Desmond 

…and on the subject of trust, here’s one from Uncle Monk

Is it me or does it merely appear that you really can’t trust anyone nowadays.

Now I’m a fairly trusting person and I try to see the best in people but it just seems everyone is trying to rip you off or con you.

There isn’t a day goes by when I don’t get a phone call/email/text trying to part me from my hard earned money.

It has got to a point where I don’t trust anyone anymore. Whenever anyone tries to get me to pry open my wallet I’m always trying to second guess them, trying to work out their angle, how they are duping me.

It really makes me sad that we now live in a world like this.

41 thoughts on “The 21st Century Postmodern Spiv

  1. Estate agents
    Used car salesman

    All fucking grifters and “spivs”, as far as this cunter is concerned.

    Bottom feeding pond life scum👎

    • Bang!

      I was going to scroll down and add my tuppence worth by mentioning estate agents and you have the cunts at the top of the list CG. They are all shiny-suited wide boys.

      • I fucking hate the cunts, HBC-they are the worst cunts to deal with👎
        I actually feel compelled to wash my hands after talking to them on the phone☹️
        This from a man who will happily skin a Row Deer, then hi in for dinner.

    • You forgot people in Marketing, especially young twats with over-sized glasses doing analytics and spends their days talking about ABCDE groups and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Total BS and not worth one jot to society or of any benefit to anyone. They are new age SPIV’s as they don’t don the traditional garb. I mean you get millions to con a bank to use an Egg in their advertising campaign.

  2. Good nom. The spiv has indeed morphed into a social media “influencer”. Whether it be cars, clothes, expensive consumer goods, flash watches, these fakes infest social media where they are good at convincing gullible twats that they know what their talking about. Soon they get a following, corporate sponsorship and freebies.
    Cunt trumpets.

  3. You can’t really beat the modern politician when it comes to bare faced spivery. Lying, thieving, back stabbing, cheating. self serving, expenses fiddling, two faced fucking untrustworthy cunts. Blair, of course, being the Daddy and the model to follow.

    • Very true Freddie, Call Me Dave’s recent Greensill woes prove what a rank fucking amateur he is. Blair helped start two Middle East wars and came out a multi millionaire.

  4. I’ve become a right tight bastard in recent years. Probably due to years of cunts trying to grab my hard earned.

    Now, I just say to ‘charidee’ cunts who stop me I’m the street, “Listen. I am the tightest bastard the world has ever seen. To even think about giving you a penny, I’d need to see your company’s profit and loss accounts and the bank statements of all your board members. Even then, if it’s all good ) unlikely of course) I’d donate about 5p a year tops, and you’d have to come to my house to collect it. Why are you running away from me? I haven’t finished lecturing you yet. There’s no need for the police here..”

  5. The modern spiv likes tight trousers and winklepicker shoes.
    They want the footballer dream-flash car, flash watch, fancy suits etc
    But not willing to work for it.
    All image no substance.
    Not to be believed not to be trusted.

  6. Trusting people you dont actually know is for twats. Trusting people you actually do know isnt a very good idea either. You should have a maximum of three people who you trust. Everything after that is a gamble.

    • Being a cynical bastard, I agree with you. I trust two people in the world, both are female, one’s a cousin. Not that being family has anything to do with it, the opposite is usually the case.

    • Smugcunt@ I have one and one only. His name is Basil. He’s my Cocker Spaniel.

      He can be a bit of a cunt sometimes (but so can I) but he loves me as I love him and he’s the only cunt in the world I trust implicitly.

  7. “Reach out to the identified target demographic, establish patterns and uplift potential, have fuck all sales or business skills and cover it up with a layer of social media faux likes – otherwise the Emperor will never buy these somewhat draughty, er, vented for your wearing experience, new clothes”.
    I buy and sell things, learned my trade from the school of hard knocks and checking gift horses teeth.
    If there’s a profit buy it, if not – don’t.
    Treat customers with respect and courtesy, offer them a good deal and you have a customer (and usually friend) for life.
    No need for smoke, mirrors, froth and nonsense.
    I leave that to Apple.

  8. Add solicitors to the list absolute scum bags, & robbers .AKA modern day Dick Turpin 👎👎

  9. I think the traditional spivs now work in banking and insurance as traders or ppi and injury claims. Estate agents is another good call.
    All cunts not producing or adding anything other than money into their bank accounts.

  10. The worst sort are employment “agents”. Absolute cunts to a man/woman. The only thing that leaves their moves is shite.

      • Back when I was doing my undergraduate and looking for work one summer some of these cunts offered to help find me work when I came to them – never received so much as a courtesy call back.

  11. Spivs used to wear big suits with a wide chalk stripe. Kipper ties were all the rage. Everyone knew who they were, living on the fringes of decent society. They survived on their wits and rubbed along with more conventional types. They hung around street markets and race tracks. They were part of the human blend that constituted genuine communities.

    Even real criminals, as opposed to dodgy geezers, had a bit of class. Raffles was a proper gent. Even the worst of gangsters loved their mums. Everyone knew where they stood. The hierarchy was well defined.

    Nowadays the criminal classes are cunts, plain and simple. Either trackie wearing, arseless, druggie, stabbie scum, or policemen. Without any code or saving graces. Like everything else, criminality has lost its way. This country is fucked.

    • Funny that you mentioned Raffles.
      Am I alone in wanting to see the Viz character “Raffles the Gentleman Thug” having his head kicked in? Can’t stand the cunt.

    • Most of you know im beyond reproach.
      Trustworthy like.
      Not flash, look like a dosser to be honest,
      But im offering strongboxes to fellow ISACs for protecting their valuables.
      All your items will be collected discreetly and stored in our secure location.
      Absolutely bombproof.
      Reasonable price of £25 a month (help you set up the direct debit)
      Think on it……

      • Count me in, sounds like a plan. I’ve been wondering what to do with all that dosh from my Nigerian friend which should arrive very soon

      • Sounds good MNC. Can you store my mother-in law?

  12. My favourite spiv was Sid James whether he was organising a Beauty contest or trying to get his leg over Cleopatra. Even when he was high in command in India he still cackled like he was on the make while having his tiffin.

    A 21st-century Sid James would probably be filming porn in his bedroom flat or flogging drugs daaan the boozer.

    Sid: Alright ladies, ‘oo wants a few Jack ‘n’ jills, eh?
    Charles Hawtry: I’m not a real lady, you know. I haven’t had it chopped off yet, hee hee.
    Sid: Cor, luvva a duck.
    Kenneth Williams: I identify as a duckie.

    • Hattie Jacques : “I’m a fat positivity activist and review pizza toppings in an online podcast from my girlfriends spare room.

  13. I’d also add knee-grows, particularly pimp daddies, drug dealers, rappers and drillers, with their garish bling and loud clothes to the list.

    Also, ambulance-chasing lawyers, such as the cunts who phone you regarding your recent accident and PPI.

    Plus Indians phoning and emailing me asking if they can build me a website. Bunch of useless cunts.

  14. 99% of mainstream TV news and current affairs are spivs-trying to flog “narratives”.

  15. The spiv was a likeable character. Whether or not they existed in real life in the way they are portrayed on TV and in films remains to be seen.

    Estate Agents, Mortgage Lenders, Solicitors and Employment Agencies are, in general, shite bags and lower than the Nobel breed of inter-war year and post war spivs.

    p.s. It was James Beck who played Private Walker in Dad’s Army, not Stanley Beck.

  16. Sirs:

    I often run into people who have extremely vague jobs that seem to require, first and foremost, an Apple laptop and an office that has no furniture.

    Unless they operate out of a coffee shop.

    They play on the computer and talk about “monetizing” this or “branding” that.

    But they don’t actually do anything. Yet, somehow, they seem to get paid.

    I’m not bitching about it. On the contrary. What I want to know is:

    How can I get in on this racket?

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