Corporate friendliness

I’m sick and tired of the insincere phoney friendliness of huge companies.

I’ve noticed this trend for a few years and it makes me want to vomit. You must have noticed it? Companies with whom we used to conduct impersonal and arms-length transactions are suddenly our best friends, filled with concern about how we are feeling.

They want to emote and emphasise with us. Large, greedy banks are one of the worse offenders. I now have a bank “relationship manager” whose always chasing me up and seeking to “reach out to me”. I told him the only person I have a relationship with is my wife. Ask for a loan and then you will see how far this faux-concern extends.

Insurance companies, retail outlets are all at it. Mark’s and Spencer’s now tell us that they are “your M&S”, a phrase I find sickening and condescending. M&S exist to make a profit for their shareholders and the customers are a means to an end. It’s insincere to pretend otherwise.

They are always apologising for causing distress. I don’t mind appropriate apologising but for the most part apologising has become an excuse for poor service. ‘We’re sorry to keep you waiting. Please be assured your custom is valuable to us”. Just shut up and answer the phone more quickly.

I don’t want to be mates with a bank or an insurance company. I just want them to be efficient, deliver the service I have paid for and stop asking me about my emotional state or wishing me a “nice day”.

Stupid cunts.

Nominated by: Marvellous Mechanical Cunting Machinery

59 thoughts on “Corporate friendliness

  1. Hughie Green was always very sincere. He was ahead of his time.

  2. And what about changing the whole corporate advertising strategy to make sure they don’t exclude the 3 ‘people’ they offended with the last advert. Never mind that they are going to alienate the 99.9% that couldn’t give a shit about being woke.

    • It’s about time our country stopped taking the knee to retarded little tranny fuck-sticks like this. Pathetic.

    • It’s getting more and more like San Angeles in Demolition Man every day. Every cunt HAS to be included regardless of how demented and abnormal they are.

    • It’s a shame there wasn’t a 3rd Rail handy. If the complainant is binary, why does it self-identity as Laurence. Last time I looked (ooh-er!!), Laurence was a bloke’s name.
      Evelyn or Pip could be suitably bi?

    • I know someone who works on the West coast Mainline. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ for the onboard announcement was stopped over a year ago. Trouble is that it’s not BR anymore, run privately and one of the biggest employers of ring-pushers and minge-biters. It’s not just customers causing change but union members of staff.

  3. Is it just me or does “Laurence” look like he’s got a touch of the tar brush to you? Apparently he lives in Tooting which resembles downtown Islamabad these days. I do hope he’s not a Peaceful. 😁 Those people don’t take too kindly to our differently gendered citizens.

    • He’s certainly got a touch of something. Gonorrhoea and autism, perhaps.

  4. Jarley sounds like a right pipsqueaky cunt.

    Morning, RTC. Good morning everyone.

  5. Some company slogans that exude that caring feeling:

    Tesco – “Every Little Helps” (Whilst systematically ripping off suppliers and customers – allegedly).

    Nike – “Just Do It” (said the sweatshop manager to the ten year old slave worker – allegedly).

    L’Oreal – “Because You’re Worth It” (You don’t have the sense you were born with if you think plastering you face with anything we sell will make you look better – yep, another allegedly – DA).

    • One of the best corporate slogans ever was for a US company called Sunglass Shack – “ sitting on faces since 2001”. At least it’s not mock-matey, unlike the ones you list above.

    • At our local Tesco staff wear t shirts with “we’re all in this together” on them.
      Apart from the disturbing collectivist implications, it’s an unpleasant reminder of the chinless pig shagging former PM.
      The cunt ..

    • The company my sister worked for pinched the Nike slogan and had a small variation for their own JFDI.

  6. As well as at the corporate level, I find this familiarism as annoying with tradesmen, smaller businesses etc.
    The first job MNC did for me, I opened my door to be greeted by “Hello mate, how are you doing?”
    I had to inform him in no uncertain manner that I was not his ‘mate.’
    I was employing him and he should address me as Sir.
    To which he replied “alright me old mucker, have it your way.”

    • I hope you kept an eye on cash and valuables, these northerners are right thieving cunts.

    • Well if we’re talking plainly Bertie I felt uncomfortable with you answering the door in just a smoking jacket and underpants.
      Especially as it said ‘kapow!!!’
      On the front.

      • Yes, I suppose it did cut a strange sight, carrying me out to the van dressed like that on my favourite chaise longue

      • Morning Bertie, I had a good laugh at your magistrate comment the other day, I fucking well would too!

        In fact offenders of my pet hate of littering and fly tipping would be horse whipped through the streets as entertainment before ‘Ye Olde Turnip Fayre’, like a Lincolnshire version of The Wicker Man only with veg.

      • Morning Libs.
        I’ve not been to Lincs. for some time but I used to spend many happy times there.
        Surely we can make a start on reclaiming the area by sending in an IsAC troubleshooting team of magistrates to clean up the area?

      • The Texas Rangers would have nothing on us, Bertie. Of course like any public servant, I am open to abusing my position for favours and bribes, I got Fiddler off a charge of outraging public decency following a unspeakable act committed in ‘the other pubs’ beer garden.

    • Are you actually a Sir, because that’s fine if you are? If your not knighted I refuse to call people Sir as it demeans the title. Although the cash for honours system is doing a fine job of that anyway. However, I do address people as they wish. Usually Mr Surname.

      • I actually do call old fellas sir.
        No harm in it, bit of respect like.
        I wouldn’t call a actual sir, sir.
        As chances are hes a bona fide cunt.

      • I have respect for older people anyway, sir or mr means no difference other than the sir has listened more.

      • Having a knighthood is the sure-fire mark of a CUNT…. with one or two honourable exceptions.

  7. Oh and if yoy buy anything online you get a fucking email back asking “How we did we do?” Or “Tell us about your shopping experience”.
    What a crock of shite. 😠

    • Or the websites that, the moment you go on it, give you a popup asking you ‘Did you manage to do everything you wanted to do here today?’. Well, no, since I’ve only been on the website for 3 seconds.

    • I had a customer satisfaction survey arrived before the end of a complicated transaction and for some reason it insisted I complete it bbefore I had finished the actual purchase.

      • I had one this morning for a click and collect from Dunelm yesterday. I simply wrote “Walked in, collected item, walked out.” If they want more they can give me a discount.

      • That fookin place is like Hampton Court maze, I’m surprised you’re not still trying to find your way out.

  8. I had all this again when I called my bank yesterday to arrange a payment. ‘ Did you have a nice weekend? What did you do?” So I guess it ok if I call back later and discuss my hang ups and have a nice long chat about the price of fish “seeing as we’re mates and all”.

  9. “The Bank that likes to say yes.”

    Until they started closing branches and making people redundant. Then they said “fuck off.”

  10. I don’t know about you lot, but every time some cunt tells me to ‘stay safe’ I just want to punch them in the fuckimg face.

    • I fucking loathe that ‘Stay safe’ bollocks. If you cunts didn’t keep calling us, we’d have a better fucking chance.

    • Usually whilst you’re in the thick of it and they are hiding under their mattress on 80% pay. Good work if you can get it.

  11. Corporate friendliness works best when the message is coming from a fit looking bit of totty, regardless of the message if it’s derived by a darkie, shirt lifter or Stanley they can fuck right off. 😂

      • Hello RTC

        In 1973 I was doing a business studies HNC at the Regent Street Poly (now University of Westminster) we studied that ad as part of a marketing course. Apparently Strand went bust because you were a sad lonely git if you smoked Strand.
        Was that Russell Hunter, who played Lonely in ‘Callan’?

      • Afternoon Wanksock.

        I remember my mum telling me how badly that advert backfired for Strand. I hope Cuntbubble didn’t take my well meaning suggestion the wrong way…. 😂

  12. They are conniving cunts I’ll give them that.
    Cold corporate edifices now gone all soft and fluffy?
    My arse.
    Just Fuck Off.

  13. Corporate friendliness is equivalent to being stuck in prison with a 6ft8 300lb cellmate. All that amicable concern is just him buttering up your cornhole ready for the insertion.

  14. If I dealing with a bank or mobile phone provider and someone whom I gave never met, Callum me by my Christian name, I usually say something like:

    “Have we met? No? In which case you can refer to me as Mr (surname), as I do not feel comfortable being over familiar with a stranger.”

    I may be a cunt-but at least I am an “old school” cunt.

    • tim roth in rob roy “i gave yoy no leave to address me familiar”

  15. Calls me*

    Callum? 🍎 you have fucking excelled yourselves.

  16. Good nom this. I fucking hate it when some cunt phones me, I answer it, the fucker calls me by my first name followed by ‘How are you today’ or some other inane insincere bollocks. I usually slam the phone right down but if by some miracle I’m in one of my rarer lighter moods they will get a cheery ‘Fuck off!’ followed by the disconnected tone. And talking of childish and pathetic corporate slogans, during the chinky flu ‘pandemic’ I would get an e-mail from the cunt CEO at Tesco’s which ended with the vomit inducing ‘Together, we can do this’. Needless to say, I don’t shop there any more.

  17. Excellent cunting MMCM-I despise faux concern and insincerity’.

    I really am old fashioned, in that I believe good manners “maketh” man.
    Sir, madam, Mr, Ms, Miss-appropriate handles when addressing a stranger.
    Presuming to use their Christian name, without permission shows a lack of respect.
    A small matter perhaps, respect is a cornerstone of a civilised society.

    • Callers always ask if they can call me by my first name because ‘I can’t pronounce your surname’. I always say ‘that’s fine’ then take pleasure in telling them ‘you can’t pronounce my first name either’.

  18. All you have to do to get rid of your “capitalist bastard” moniker is give a couple of mill to blm. Its the perfect get out along with endless virtue signalling on twatter . BP ect spending billions on useless “altenative” “green” energy and electric cars is another. Its all going to cost a lot more and the same cunts make billions out of mugs.

  19. I have worked in corporate.
    I used to really enjoy the endless meetings exhorting everyone to engage in sugary sweet pretend friendliness while psychologically twisting them to screw even more money from them.
    I am polite but a little cold when forced to engage with corporate – and woe betide anyone who starts acting like they are my friend and using my first name (being pedantic my official title is Laird of Glencoe).
    Impertinent, these working class oiks are!

  20. Well I have found that Loyds bank didn’t give a fuck then and don’t give a fuck now, they were always cunts and still are…

  21. The Halifax grinds my gears with “it’s a people thing”. It wasn’t when I was selling my old house and needed them to verify my identity. No, it was “we don’t do that for customers”. So it’s a cunt thing then? Cunts. Great nom.

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